The World Turns Cold on my Birthday
It's at the start of the Simbang Gabi where the breeze turns cold for Christmas, and this year, on my birthday it was just a little bit colder. So we us three talked it out, almost a month ago on J's birthday, November 23, and all this time I don't understand. I don't understand their explanations and reasons. They cleared up some stuff, but in the end I don't understand it all.
Our talk cleared up the hurt J and I shared, the fact that they didn't tell us. They said they didn't because they knew how we'd feel and how we'll react, and so chose to wait for the 'right time'. That is, waited so long that eventually I found out first before they got the chance to tell me. Well, they waited till the world knew and it only became a matter time. That's what I don't understand. They only made the bad news exponentially worse, and I don't understand how they couldn't imagine how it hurts to hear it from some stranger instead of straight from your friends.
I couldn't understand the rest of their reasons. Maybe because I was angry, or I couldn't think straight because of the emotion of the moment. With regards to why they did, my best friend said something about her new 'culture' from Europe. You think that's an excuse? I couldn't remember exactly the rest of his reasons but all of it sounded shallow and weak to me.
Come to think of it, he was the one I should have talked to more. But it came down between me and my issues with her. So we talked, and I said all that I wanted to say, that is everything I have up to that point. And like my best friend, I didn't understand her. But it felt good getting all those stuff off my chest. The anger disappeared, but what I was left it was emptiness. Without the anger I finally felt the pain of what they did.
I talked with my parents about this whole story, and they each pointed out a thing I didn't see before. My mom said the couple felt worse than I did. I had to laugh, but she explained that they will never be completely happy together because their guilt will come between them. I had to admit, she may be right, and this is me being bitter; I do hope that's true.
Both of them, she and my best friend, both said this line, in consolation: "We understand how you feel."
You understand how I feel?
Have you loved someone so much that when you said you were willing to wait you were serious?
Have you felt how it is to miss someone that you haven't seen for months, having only the thought of her returning in the future to hold on to?
Do you know how it feels to wait for three years for someone you know is having fun with other guys?
How about to feel led on knowingly by that girl you have waited for years only for her to turn to your best friend who knows how you felt about that girl in the space of a month?
Trusting and baring your heart out to your best friend only for him to step on it as a matter of convenience to get to the one you love?
Looking like a fool to everyone you know because your best friend misled you?
How about feel betrayed and abandoned and stepped on by the two friends that were like your brother and sister?
How about feeling that all that happened because it was all your fault for loving, hanging on, trusting, hoping, in the first place?
No, you will never know how I feel.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The Twist
I guess I should write about this whole affair once and for all. The past two installments of this story I’ve rewritten to practically to forgive and forget about everything. But now the story has taken a weird twist. It’s not really about my best friend getting together with my ex-girlfriend. That by itself is alright with me. But it’s that considering my relationships and history with them, they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. Just shows how much they value me as a friend.
Background of the past 5 months. She came back June, and for that month and July I was glad because she was back and we were hanging out a lot. I escorted her around campus and went out with her to meet old friends, which included my best friend. Soon we three were hanging out, watching movies together. They’d always call me to join them in the mall or at her house after my classes. Then sometime in July I found myself waiting for their invites which never came. I chalked this up to them being busy, since she always is and he is a nurse-in-training. But soon I found out that they still were going out without me. I felt a little left out, but ignored it since they said that they just bump into each other in the mall, not as if they were forgetting about me. This was the month she changed.
Where in the first month she was the one texting me and asking me to help her and stuff, my contact with her suddenly disappeared. She stopped texting, and I didn’t see her for a month. I taught this was just her being engrossed in school, but then I learn that she and my best friend have still been going out during that time. What was I to think? I became angry because I suddenly felt that she was using me. Looking back I saw that all the things that involved me had a reason. She started text convos; she was bored. She asked me to accompany her home, I did. I was her campus guide until she met her blockmates. She was curiously affectionate one night; I learn that it was their monthsary (then Swiss bf). What, I was stand-in bf for the night because she was lonely? I got angry and I talked to my best friend about it. Well like a good best friend he agreed with what I said. He said that he also found it weird that they were hanging out without me, and in this regard he echoed some of my contempt of how she was acting. In this conversation too we talked about how he wanted to court our mutual friend, which we shall call J. J was 2 batches lower and was like a little sister to all of us, which presented the difficulty. J’s parent’s knew of our relationship and I guess disapproved his attempts and wanted them to remain friends. I think J feels the same way, or is just wary of the implications arising from taking their relationship to the next level. Back to my side of the story, later that week I confronted her about how I felt like I existed only if she needed something. In the ensuing drama she explained that I was making a big deal out of it, that it was complicated, that it was just normal, and that she was just really busy and that just because she wasn’t talking to me anymore doesn’t she was ignoring me or forgetting me. I let it go after hearing that from her. I realized there was indeed a reason for her every move on me, I just made the mistake of thinking that it was conscious and intentional.
A month went by where I tried to make it normal again while respecting her busy nature by not imposing too much. But it was becoming apparent that she was avoiding me. She doesn’t receive any of my messages for a week but when she starts and I reply and there’s no problem. Then one night I come home and see them together from one of their mall trips*. She was too busy to talk to me but apparently not busy to go out with my best friend who’s studying nursing? I got pissed off again. Same thought. She, no they, were disregarding me. I came home ranting, and my parents tried to calm me down by, of all things, saying that’s it’s ok. They might have a relationship already. I found the idea preposterous. I told them it’s impossible, I know who my best friend likes (that’ll be J ) and if it indeed it was true, they’re my friends and they would have told me. The idea did come into my mind for a second but I dismissed it immediately. Next day I came home and got a trike ride beside one of the guys me and my best friend used to play with in the local pub who knew me, but who’s name escapes me. We passed by her house and this guy asked me if the girl who lives there is my best friend’s girlfriend, because he saw them together. I told him the same thing I told my parents, but that time I thought that it was indeed true. I still thought that if it was, they would have told me.
Few days later, I met J and she told me if ‘I knew’. Then I knew. They were together indeed. Surprisingly I wasn’t angry, nor was I heartbroken. It was more of indifference. Contempt that they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. J said that both of them didn’t know how to tell both of us because they knew how we would react. They had been a couple going on 3 weeks. That means they were already together went I went to my best friend’s house and talked him about why she texted all of a sudden that night and echoed my irk that she never texts unless she needs something. And that night when I bumped into them after their trip to the mall*. I guess they told J because they knew she would tell me so they wouldn‘t have to do it themselves.
My best friend is one of the few people who knew how I felt. He was one that I was comfortable to open up and tell exactly how I felt about her. I seriously never saw it coming. I thought they were just friends hanging out, and I trusted him to take care of her and I was ok with that. Discounting the notion that as a best friend you don’t get together with the girl your friend has feelings for even though she is his ex-girlfriend as a concept that doesn’t exist in Philippine culture, at least as a friend he would have told me something was happening instead of just riding on whatever I say to him regarding what I thought of her. He was agreeing with me even if something was already going on between them. What the hell.
She knew too how I felt about her. She told me that nothing was wrong, that she wasn’t purposely ignoring me and that both of them weren’t forgetting about me, and that them hanging out without me was just a matter of coincidence and whatever twist of circumstance and that was just normal. She said she was busy and that she didn’t receive my messages. Bare-faced lies.
I’m angry because both of them played me a fool all this months. They strung me along, pretended right to my face. I looked stupid in front them, in front of my friends, in front of my parents, even in front of J‘s parents. I asked her about the whole thing just a while ago. She said it was the complicated thing she told me about I talked to her about having a reason for everything having to do with me. It all makes sense now. There was a reason for avoiding me, and it was my best friend. And this just makes me all the more the fool for not seeing it. I’m angry because I was practically the last to know. I had to learn about this whole affair from a stranger, rather from them. Don’t I deserve to hear it from my ‘friends‘? Apparently not.
I never saw it coming because all this time I knew that my best friend still liked J and that he was intending to move. I know my best friend has a history of moving on girls two at a time or even when he is presently in a relationship. J told me that she was surprised because when he told her how long they’ve been going out, she remembers that during that time my best friend was still making the moves on her. I wonder if my best friend’s new girl friend knows about this.
She being the object of my naïve undying love for the past two years has been known by my friends who I have told my long love story too. And through the course of my numerous story telling I’ve encountered comments about her. “She is just using you”, “she probably had a guy already when she broke up with you”, “maybe she’s collecting boyfriends”. My answer to those were “she’s not like that” or “of course she won’t do that.” Her history speaks for itself - three bfs in a year with little or no time in between them. All these people have told me her less than desirable approach to men and relationships and I kinda knew it too, but I wouldn’t hear it. I even defended her. I put her on a pedestal and I didn’t want to believe these ugly comments, or I refused to see the truth. I can’t believe of all people, I would be one blinded by love.
I wonder if they knew the possible consequences of their actions, or if these consequences even exist, or if they cared. Of course they knew J and I would react in some way, or else they wouldn’t have hesitated, or in my case didn’t at all, to tell us. How I would act they wouldn’t know. Actually, even I don’t know how I will act. These are my closest friends, but I feel betrayed. Do you know how it will feel to be a third wheel to the girl you love and your best friend? It’s painfully awkward. I love them both, but what they did isn’t easily forgivable. In the possible debate of who is right I won’t have any supporters. All my high school friends are friends with both of them, and they’ll side with the couple. I’m tied to my HS friends through them, so if I alienate myself from them, I’ll be burning close to all the ties to my high school friends, save for a few. But, I can’t pretend that everything is alright for me. Frankly I’m tired of acting, and I’m tired of being made the fool. I’ve resolved to cut all my ties with them even if that means destroying our friendships and isolating myself from my high school friends, because to me, those two did it themselves. It’s not like they’ll miss me.
And so begins another melodramatic Christmas season. This is becoming an unholy pattern.
I guess I should write about this whole affair once and for all. The past two installments of this story I’ve rewritten to practically to forgive and forget about everything. But now the story has taken a weird twist. It’s not really about my best friend getting together with my ex-girlfriend. That by itself is alright with me. But it’s that considering my relationships and history with them, they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. Just shows how much they value me as a friend.
Background of the past 5 months. She came back June, and for that month and July I was glad because she was back and we were hanging out a lot. I escorted her around campus and went out with her to meet old friends, which included my best friend. Soon we three were hanging out, watching movies together. They’d always call me to join them in the mall or at her house after my classes. Then sometime in July I found myself waiting for their invites which never came. I chalked this up to them being busy, since she always is and he is a nurse-in-training. But soon I found out that they still were going out without me. I felt a little left out, but ignored it since they said that they just bump into each other in the mall, not as if they were forgetting about me. This was the month she changed.
Where in the first month she was the one texting me and asking me to help her and stuff, my contact with her suddenly disappeared. She stopped texting, and I didn’t see her for a month. I taught this was just her being engrossed in school, but then I learn that she and my best friend have still been going out during that time. What was I to think? I became angry because I suddenly felt that she was using me. Looking back I saw that all the things that involved me had a reason. She started text convos; she was bored. She asked me to accompany her home, I did. I was her campus guide until she met her blockmates. She was curiously affectionate one night; I learn that it was their monthsary (then Swiss bf). What, I was stand-in bf for the night because she was lonely? I got angry and I talked to my best friend about it. Well like a good best friend he agreed with what I said. He said that he also found it weird that they were hanging out without me, and in this regard he echoed some of my contempt of how she was acting. In this conversation too we talked about how he wanted to court our mutual friend, which we shall call J. J was 2 batches lower and was like a little sister to all of us, which presented the difficulty. J’s parent’s knew of our relationship and I guess disapproved his attempts and wanted them to remain friends. I think J feels the same way, or is just wary of the implications arising from taking their relationship to the next level. Back to my side of the story, later that week I confronted her about how I felt like I existed only if she needed something. In the ensuing drama she explained that I was making a big deal out of it, that it was complicated, that it was just normal, and that she was just really busy and that just because she wasn’t talking to me anymore doesn’t she was ignoring me or forgetting me. I let it go after hearing that from her. I realized there was indeed a reason for her every move on me, I just made the mistake of thinking that it was conscious and intentional.
A month went by where I tried to make it normal again while respecting her busy nature by not imposing too much. But it was becoming apparent that she was avoiding me. She doesn’t receive any of my messages for a week but when she starts and I reply and there’s no problem. Then one night I come home and see them together from one of their mall trips*. She was too busy to talk to me but apparently not busy to go out with my best friend who’s studying nursing? I got pissed off again. Same thought. She, no they, were disregarding me. I came home ranting, and my parents tried to calm me down by, of all things, saying that’s it’s ok. They might have a relationship already. I found the idea preposterous. I told them it’s impossible, I know who my best friend likes (that’ll be J ) and if it indeed it was true, they’re my friends and they would have told me. The idea did come into my mind for a second but I dismissed it immediately. Next day I came home and got a trike ride beside one of the guys me and my best friend used to play with in the local pub who knew me, but who’s name escapes me. We passed by her house and this guy asked me if the girl who lives there is my best friend’s girlfriend, because he saw them together. I told him the same thing I told my parents, but that time I thought that it was indeed true. I still thought that if it was, they would have told me.
Few days later, I met J and she told me if ‘I knew’. Then I knew. They were together indeed. Surprisingly I wasn’t angry, nor was I heartbroken. It was more of indifference. Contempt that they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. J said that both of them didn’t know how to tell both of us because they knew how we would react. They had been a couple going on 3 weeks. That means they were already together went I went to my best friend’s house and talked him about why she texted all of a sudden that night and echoed my irk that she never texts unless she needs something. And that night when I bumped into them after their trip to the mall*. I guess they told J because they knew she would tell me so they wouldn‘t have to do it themselves.
My best friend is one of the few people who knew how I felt. He was one that I was comfortable to open up and tell exactly how I felt about her. I seriously never saw it coming. I thought they were just friends hanging out, and I trusted him to take care of her and I was ok with that. Discounting the notion that as a best friend you don’t get together with the girl your friend has feelings for even though she is his ex-girlfriend as a concept that doesn’t exist in Philippine culture, at least as a friend he would have told me something was happening instead of just riding on whatever I say to him regarding what I thought of her. He was agreeing with me even if something was already going on between them. What the hell.
She knew too how I felt about her. She told me that nothing was wrong, that she wasn’t purposely ignoring me and that both of them weren’t forgetting about me, and that them hanging out without me was just a matter of coincidence and whatever twist of circumstance and that was just normal. She said she was busy and that she didn’t receive my messages. Bare-faced lies.
I’m angry because both of them played me a fool all this months. They strung me along, pretended right to my face. I looked stupid in front them, in front of my friends, in front of my parents, even in front of J‘s parents. I asked her about the whole thing just a while ago. She said it was the complicated thing she told me about I talked to her about having a reason for everything having to do with me. It all makes sense now. There was a reason for avoiding me, and it was my best friend. And this just makes me all the more the fool for not seeing it. I’m angry because I was practically the last to know. I had to learn about this whole affair from a stranger, rather from them. Don’t I deserve to hear it from my ‘friends‘? Apparently not.
I never saw it coming because all this time I knew that my best friend still liked J and that he was intending to move. I know my best friend has a history of moving on girls two at a time or even when he is presently in a relationship. J told me that she was surprised because when he told her how long they’ve been going out, she remembers that during that time my best friend was still making the moves on her. I wonder if my best friend’s new girl friend knows about this.
She being the object of my naïve undying love for the past two years has been known by my friends who I have told my long love story too. And through the course of my numerous story telling I’ve encountered comments about her. “She is just using you”, “she probably had a guy already when she broke up with you”, “maybe she’s collecting boyfriends”. My answer to those were “she’s not like that” or “of course she won’t do that.” Her history speaks for itself - three bfs in a year with little or no time in between them. All these people have told me her less than desirable approach to men and relationships and I kinda knew it too, but I wouldn’t hear it. I even defended her. I put her on a pedestal and I didn’t want to believe these ugly comments, or I refused to see the truth. I can’t believe of all people, I would be one blinded by love.
I wonder if they knew the possible consequences of their actions, or if these consequences even exist, or if they cared. Of course they knew J and I would react in some way, or else they wouldn’t have hesitated, or in my case didn’t at all, to tell us. How I would act they wouldn’t know. Actually, even I don’t know how I will act. These are my closest friends, but I feel betrayed. Do you know how it will feel to be a third wheel to the girl you love and your best friend? It’s painfully awkward. I love them both, but what they did isn’t easily forgivable. In the possible debate of who is right I won’t have any supporters. All my high school friends are friends with both of them, and they’ll side with the couple. I’m tied to my HS friends through them, so if I alienate myself from them, I’ll be burning close to all the ties to my high school friends, save for a few. But, I can’t pretend that everything is alright for me. Frankly I’m tired of acting, and I’m tired of being made the fool. I’ve resolved to cut all my ties with them even if that means destroying our friendships and isolating myself from my high school friends, because to me, those two did it themselves. It’s not like they’ll miss me.
And so begins another melodramatic Christmas season. This is becoming an unholy pattern.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
1st Sem of the last half of my College life
This semester has got to be the worst for my academic life. Well, I knew it was going to be 3 weeks in. That early I said to myself, “this sem is screwed up, I’ll just ride it out and change and put all my effort next sem.” And that’s what I did. Finals week became damage control just to prevent the bad grades I’m expecting from becoming worse.
The semester started well actually. Philo seemed fun, Theology under Dacanay was intimidating in a good way, and my DS subjects were interesting, of course.. But then this whole personal problem thing took effect and my whole life got derailed. All these distractions. Include the fact that I got into playing DotA more, which I admit I became an unhealthy habit; given a choice between working on an assignment or studying, or playing a game, I would almost always choose to play then cram on my academics later. Here’s how I messed up this semester.
Like I said Philo seemed fun. My teacher was funny in a way that he explained concepts using stupid stories from the past or layman’s analogies, which made the class lively and understanding easy. However soon the readings became more and more of an headache to read, and as the concepts became more and more abstract my resistance to subject increased with it. With the lessons hitting a brick wall in my head I found my mind slipping in class, which to me is like leaving a computer idle; sooner or later it will power down and hibernate. And that’s what happened. One day I fell asleep in class and for the rest of the semester I spent more time asleep than I was awake and listening. Which is bad because whatever easy-to-understand explanation sir Pasco gave in class was wasted on me. When time came for long tests and papers that involves philosophizing, I lacked the knowledge to explain it save for whatever term I think I heard in my dreams or what I remember getting a glimpse of in the blackboard in the times I am awake to shift to a more comfortable sleeping position. And philo finals was technically my first real orals. I had a week to study all the concepts I slept through the whole semester, which I wasted. I studied 9 thesis statements from scratch 7 hours before the orals. Come orals time I just said all the things I can think off even remotely related to the thesis statement. End grade, C+.
I would say my favorite class this semester would be Theology. Fr. Dacanay kept the class attentive with an unholy mix of fear and entertainment. Who knew a priest could have so many sex jokes be crass with it too. What he taught wasn't just dogmatic Church teaching, but the moral reasoning behind it. Not what just the Church says, but why it says it. He deserves his legendary reputation and i recommend taking him to everyone; everyone who is willing to gamble his/her grades that is. That said my problem for Theo was that my quiz grades were erratic. A 3 this week will turn into an F the next. Part of the reason for that is I didn't study well for the quizzes. I would read the required reading for that test 10 minutes before the class while walking to it. I didn't take any orals. The first chance i skipped because I was still intimidated by the thought. The second chance I missed the sign-up and almost missed the written test because I didn't know the right dates. The finals orals I decided not to take because by then I couldn’t gamble with my grades anymore. My group didn’t help at all. Or I should say they did. Because even though they are a group of little pretentious queen bee wannabes who do things at the last minute, they still manage to do the stuff that’s needed to be done. End grade: D. Yeah I survived.
And since I've put off this post and I'm getting tired of it, let me speed through the rest of the subjects.
DS 102. Slept through it the whole sem, didn't read the readings. C+
DS 112. Only problem is surprise low quiz grades. C+
DS 130. Loved it. Normal effort. Surprised to get a B
OrgMan. Thought it will be easy. But it turns out I didn't put in my side of the effort, and i regret that. Sir is the type of guy who will perfectly mirror the amount of effort you put in. Grade: C. I deserved it.
This semester has got to be the worst for my academic life. Well, I knew it was going to be 3 weeks in. That early I said to myself, “this sem is screwed up, I’ll just ride it out and change and put all my effort next sem.” And that’s what I did. Finals week became damage control just to prevent the bad grades I’m expecting from becoming worse.
The semester started well actually. Philo seemed fun, Theology under Dacanay was intimidating in a good way, and my DS subjects were interesting, of course.. But then this whole personal problem thing took effect and my whole life got derailed. All these distractions. Include the fact that I got into playing DotA more, which I admit I became an unhealthy habit; given a choice between working on an assignment or studying, or playing a game, I would almost always choose to play then cram on my academics later. Here’s how I messed up this semester.
Like I said Philo seemed fun. My teacher was funny in a way that he explained concepts using stupid stories from the past or layman’s analogies, which made the class lively and understanding easy. However soon the readings became more and more of an headache to read, and as the concepts became more and more abstract my resistance to subject increased with it. With the lessons hitting a brick wall in my head I found my mind slipping in class, which to me is like leaving a computer idle; sooner or later it will power down and hibernate. And that’s what happened. One day I fell asleep in class and for the rest of the semester I spent more time asleep than I was awake and listening. Which is bad because whatever easy-to-understand explanation sir Pasco gave in class was wasted on me. When time came for long tests and papers that involves philosophizing, I lacked the knowledge to explain it save for whatever term I think I heard in my dreams or what I remember getting a glimpse of in the blackboard in the times I am awake to shift to a more comfortable sleeping position. And philo finals was technically my first real orals. I had a week to study all the concepts I slept through the whole semester, which I wasted. I studied 9 thesis statements from scratch 7 hours before the orals. Come orals time I just said all the things I can think off even remotely related to the thesis statement. End grade, C+.
I would say my favorite class this semester would be Theology. Fr. Dacanay kept the class attentive with an unholy mix of fear and entertainment. Who knew a priest could have so many sex jokes be crass with it too. What he taught wasn't just dogmatic Church teaching, but the moral reasoning behind it. Not what just the Church says, but why it says it. He deserves his legendary reputation and i recommend taking him to everyone; everyone who is willing to gamble his/her grades that is. That said my problem for Theo was that my quiz grades were erratic. A 3 this week will turn into an F the next. Part of the reason for that is I didn't study well for the quizzes. I would read the required reading for that test 10 minutes before the class while walking to it. I didn't take any orals. The first chance i skipped because I was still intimidated by the thought. The second chance I missed the sign-up and almost missed the written test because I didn't know the right dates. The finals orals I decided not to take because by then I couldn’t gamble with my grades anymore. My group didn’t help at all. Or I should say they did. Because even though they are a group of little pretentious queen bee wannabes who do things at the last minute, they still manage to do the stuff that’s needed to be done. End grade: D. Yeah I survived.
And since I've put off this post and I'm getting tired of it, let me speed through the rest of the subjects.
DS 102. Slept through it the whole sem, didn't read the readings. C+
DS 112. Only problem is surprise low quiz grades. C+
DS 130. Loved it. Normal effort. Surprised to get a B
OrgMan. Thought it will be easy. But it turns out I didn't put in my side of the effort, and i regret that. Sir is the type of guy who will perfectly mirror the amount of effort you put in. Grade: C. I deserved it.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I wonder what will happen if I die?
It was after watching the UAAP finals at MVP, and I was walking around the campus, savoring the satisfaction of our victory when I came across the wake of Gab Doller at the chapel, and it hit me that in the midst of all the cheers and happiness, there exists sadness in this corner of the school. It was sad to think that his death, at least for a moment was overshadowed by the championship, and so in the hallway empty of students who were all celebrating at Araneta I came and stayed in silence to show that at least in a way, people have not forgotten.
You never really think about death, and so when someone close by dies it feels surreal. I wasn't really that close with Gab, and if not for a blogpost that mentioned him being part of World Youth Day and me remembering that a picture of the participants was in the last issue of Guidon, I wouldn't have remembered that he was my French I classmate. I knew the face but the name attached to it only weakly until I saw his picture and put them together.
I came upon his Memorial Board where a tarp was put up for his friends to write their last messages for him. I was touched and saddened by what was written. There were those expressing their shock and mourning his sudden passing. There were happy messages left as if he wasn't gone at all. And there were those remembering his friends' fondest memories of him that they will miss.
Which made me contemplate. If I die and I had a Board like this, what will people write? Will they say my death is a shock? Who will write? How many of my 'friends' will leave even a note? What will they miss of me? Will they mention a thing they remember me for or miss having?
I had this same-yet-different thought when I heard of Tara. She was shot during a robbery and was placed in a coma. The night it happened I already read about it in my friends blogs and within a week benefit concerts for her were already being planned. And i thought, who is she that she is getting this much attention and support, not out of disrespect but out of real wonder, because I didn't really know her. I wondered if something like it happened to me if the school will show the same amount of support or does it all depend on people's 'social capital'?
I have this notion of passing my day-to-day with as little impact on people as possible. Being detached from the world and the people makes me free. Staying in the back, being anonymous, keeping quiet, the guy that does (great) things with taking as little attention as possible. But to think if I die right now no one will remember me, or anything of me sucks. I guess that's the downside of keeping my distance from the world. I'm left to wonder if I left anything to anyone worth remembering.
It was after watching the UAAP finals at MVP, and I was walking around the campus, savoring the satisfaction of our victory when I came across the wake of Gab Doller at the chapel, and it hit me that in the midst of all the cheers and happiness, there exists sadness in this corner of the school. It was sad to think that his death, at least for a moment was overshadowed by the championship, and so in the hallway empty of students who were all celebrating at Araneta I came and stayed in silence to show that at least in a way, people have not forgotten.
You never really think about death, and so when someone close by dies it feels surreal. I wasn't really that close with Gab, and if not for a blogpost that mentioned him being part of World Youth Day and me remembering that a picture of the participants was in the last issue of Guidon, I wouldn't have remembered that he was my French I classmate. I knew the face but the name attached to it only weakly until I saw his picture and put them together.
I came upon his Memorial Board where a tarp was put up for his friends to write their last messages for him. I was touched and saddened by what was written. There were those expressing their shock and mourning his sudden passing. There were happy messages left as if he wasn't gone at all. And there were those remembering his friends' fondest memories of him that they will miss.
Which made me contemplate. If I die and I had a Board like this, what will people write? Will they say my death is a shock? Who will write? How many of my 'friends' will leave even a note? What will they miss of me? Will they mention a thing they remember me for or miss having?
I had this same-yet-different thought when I heard of Tara. She was shot during a robbery and was placed in a coma. The night it happened I already read about it in my friends blogs and within a week benefit concerts for her were already being planned. And i thought, who is she that she is getting this much attention and support, not out of disrespect but out of real wonder, because I didn't really know her. I wondered if something like it happened to me if the school will show the same amount of support or does it all depend on people's 'social capital'?
I have this notion of passing my day-to-day with as little impact on people as possible. Being detached from the world and the people makes me free. Staying in the back, being anonymous, keeping quiet, the guy that does (great) things with taking as little attention as possible. But to think if I die right now no one will remember me, or anything of me sucks. I guess that's the downside of keeping my distance from the world. I'm left to wonder if I left anything to anyone worth remembering.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
This is what going mad feels like
I've put off writing this post for 3 months now as I grapple what I really feel. it has gone through several writings and edits about several things, about what I felt during a particular time or about the past months. Let me say everything now, once and let me forget all about it.
I love you. I love you now as much as I had two years ago. I always think about you. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm alone, whenever I don't see you. Always. It's driving me crazy thinking about you and knowing I can't tell you anything when I see you. when all I can say is 'if you only knew.' If you only knew how much I still love you. If you only knew that I'm still waiting. If you only knew how much it hurts me whenever you tell me those things. If you only knew how much it hurts being beside you and pretending everything is ok. If you only knew I don't care about those things as long as I see you happy. If you only knew that i can't get close to another because my hope for you stops me every time.
My hope is pushing me to look for you everyday, to ask you how you are and what are you doing, to make sure that you're ok, and I'm going mad because I have to stop and tell myself that I have to let you go, that you don't care about me anymore. I'm fighting myself and it's tearing me in two. And until now I don't know if I'll still hope and wait or if I have to strength to finally let go and move on. You're making it difficult because you continue to make me hope whenever you hold my hand.
I'm telling myself that I'm too young to feel this way, that I still have my whole life ahead of me. But then I wish that I could be with you and then I'm back to square one.
I wish you didn't come back anymore. I was doing fine without you near. You have become a memory that I cherished. Now your close I find it so hard to stop myself from hoping.
I trying to cut all ties that holds me back to you and your memory. Your kinda helping me by not acknowledging me, and I think you're doing it on purpose. That's good, but I wish you could tell me more directly. I don't know, maybe I'll confront you one last time. Or I will just continue burning bridges and move on and not look back without saying another word.
Either way I take, let me say it again. I love you, always have. With this, let me leave all that I feel right here and forget about it.
I've put off writing this post for 3 months now as I grapple what I really feel. it has gone through several writings and edits about several things, about what I felt during a particular time or about the past months. Let me say everything now, once and let me forget all about it.
I love you. I love you now as much as I had two years ago. I always think about you. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm alone, whenever I don't see you. Always. It's driving me crazy thinking about you and knowing I can't tell you anything when I see you. when all I can say is 'if you only knew.' If you only knew how much I still love you. If you only knew that I'm still waiting. If you only knew how much it hurts me whenever you tell me those things. If you only knew how much it hurts being beside you and pretending everything is ok. If you only knew I don't care about those things as long as I see you happy. If you only knew that i can't get close to another because my hope for you stops me every time.
My hope is pushing me to look for you everyday, to ask you how you are and what are you doing, to make sure that you're ok, and I'm going mad because I have to stop and tell myself that I have to let you go, that you don't care about me anymore. I'm fighting myself and it's tearing me in two. And until now I don't know if I'll still hope and wait or if I have to strength to finally let go and move on. You're making it difficult because you continue to make me hope whenever you hold my hand.
I'm telling myself that I'm too young to feel this way, that I still have my whole life ahead of me. But then I wish that I could be with you and then I'm back to square one.
I wish you didn't come back anymore. I was doing fine without you near. You have become a memory that I cherished. Now your close I find it so hard to stop myself from hoping.
I trying to cut all ties that holds me back to you and your memory. Your kinda helping me by not acknowledging me, and I think you're doing it on purpose. That's good, but I wish you could tell me more directly. I don't know, maybe I'll confront you one last time. Or I will just continue burning bridges and move on and not look back without saying another word.
Either way I take, let me say it again. I love you, always have. With this, let me leave all that I feel right here and forget about it.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Distraction
Its not all about time management. People say that all you need is proper time management and you can do the stuff you need to do, and make room for stuff you want to do. For me it's not that simple anymore. By it's name it already points out the fact that your time is limited, and it's just that - there isn't enough time anymore to think and do everything. It feels like a crowded room in my head, with a million things pushing and shoving. Simply put, it's information overload.
I started thinking about this after one of my philosophy classes. Sir Pasco gave great insights and challenged us to philosophize on our own. But before I got around to reflecting on the things he said, my mind was already racing to different things: what does poverty as entitlement failure mean - I have to pick up readings for my development management class - father Dacanay will give a quiz tomorrow about conscience/3 - I wonder what items I should use for Medusa (DotA speak). And as I cycled through those different thoughts I realized I lost the insights I had about our philosophy discussion.
And so in the course of my crowded line of thought I came to question why my thoughts were so crowded in the first place and remembered the comment of Sir Pasco. He said that people don't philosophize anymore because information is right there at our fingertips. People choose not to think anymore because information is so accessible.
Convenience has turned us to information sponges instead of hunter/gatherers, and we are bombarded by information through television, the internet, newspapers and radio. It's information overload. I can follow what's happening to the rest of the world so easily - and it's great to be aware, but trying to grapple with the entirety of the global situation while absorbing academic lessons is like a rag trying to absorb some spilled milk while being hosed down by a garden hose. Information is beyond being at our fingertips. It's being shoved down our throats whether we like it or not.
This phenomenon of information overload gives a different dimension to the concept of time management for students. We face multiple subjects and tens (if not hundreds) of pages of readings for each one. After taking to account time spent in the bathroom, eating, sleeping, traveling, and doing schoolwork, there is only so much time you can burn reading in a day, and what will the quality of it be? After reading through polsci, shift to theology, after that a major subject and after that to philosophy. In the process of cramming information into the brain I'll be astounded if no detail was forgotten. And how about those subjects that require more than memorization? Like computers with multiple running programs, our attentions can only be divided so much before our brains start slowing down.
The life of the modern student of course is not confined to academics. We spent a good chunk of our lives in the internet, the information superhighway. The TV too is a distraction. All these things fight for our attention. And what of those books we would like to read?
They accuse our generation of being apathetic. I believe this is partially a product of modern society that demands us embrace the globalization of information accessibility. We have to (or choose to) isolate ourselves from the rest of the world to concentrate on our priorities, whatever they maybe.
I guess this is my crude attempt to philosophize on my own, on the question why I don't have time to philosophize in the first place, which apparently doesn't make for a good essay. It's because I'm distracted by so many things to think about that I don't have time to think about all of them anymore, even if I wanted to.
Its not all about time management. People say that all you need is proper time management and you can do the stuff you need to do, and make room for stuff you want to do. For me it's not that simple anymore. By it's name it already points out the fact that your time is limited, and it's just that - there isn't enough time anymore to think and do everything. It feels like a crowded room in my head, with a million things pushing and shoving. Simply put, it's information overload.
I started thinking about this after one of my philosophy classes. Sir Pasco gave great insights and challenged us to philosophize on our own. But before I got around to reflecting on the things he said, my mind was already racing to different things: what does poverty as entitlement failure mean - I have to pick up readings for my development management class - father Dacanay will give a quiz tomorrow about conscience/3 - I wonder what items I should use for Medusa (DotA speak). And as I cycled through those different thoughts I realized I lost the insights I had about our philosophy discussion.
And so in the course of my crowded line of thought I came to question why my thoughts were so crowded in the first place and remembered the comment of Sir Pasco. He said that people don't philosophize anymore because information is right there at our fingertips. People choose not to think anymore because information is so accessible.
Convenience has turned us to information sponges instead of hunter/gatherers, and we are bombarded by information through television, the internet, newspapers and radio. It's information overload. I can follow what's happening to the rest of the world so easily - and it's great to be aware, but trying to grapple with the entirety of the global situation while absorbing academic lessons is like a rag trying to absorb some spilled milk while being hosed down by a garden hose. Information is beyond being at our fingertips. It's being shoved down our throats whether we like it or not.
This phenomenon of information overload gives a different dimension to the concept of time management for students. We face multiple subjects and tens (if not hundreds) of pages of readings for each one. After taking to account time spent in the bathroom, eating, sleeping, traveling, and doing schoolwork, there is only so much time you can burn reading in a day, and what will the quality of it be? After reading through polsci, shift to theology, after that a major subject and after that to philosophy. In the process of cramming information into the brain I'll be astounded if no detail was forgotten. And how about those subjects that require more than memorization? Like computers with multiple running programs, our attentions can only be divided so much before our brains start slowing down.
The life of the modern student of course is not confined to academics. We spent a good chunk of our lives in the internet, the information superhighway. The TV too is a distraction. All these things fight for our attention. And what of those books we would like to read?
They accuse our generation of being apathetic. I believe this is partially a product of modern society that demands us embrace the globalization of information accessibility. We have to (or choose to) isolate ourselves from the rest of the world to concentrate on our priorities, whatever they maybe.
I guess this is my crude attempt to philosophize on my own, on the question why I don't have time to philosophize in the first place, which apparently doesn't make for a good essay. It's because I'm distracted by so many things to think about that I don't have time to think about all of them anymore, even if I wanted to.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Things I'll leave unsaid, for now...or forever
The girl of my dreams is back, and she's driving me crazy once more. 2 years after she left, I've tried my best to move on, and I did, to a certain degree. I've been living my college life to the fullest I could, and the best analogy I could think of to explain that is that my life has been like my favorite cake, the best, and she is like the icing - I could live without it, but the cake would be incomplete. But here I am, the hopeless romantic, the naive boy who still believes that love conquers all and that the stars will bring you back to each other; kept a persistent hope in the face of relentless doubt that one day we will be together again, a tiny tiny annoying thorn in the back of my head. I tried my best to forget about it, to smother it with practicality and stone cold reality, but it just won't go away. I can say a part of me did move on; time can do that for you. Out of sight, out of mind. But now that she's back, she brought with her all the memories and thoughts and hope I've learned to suppress all this years .
Now the part of me that clung to hope is daring me to hope, fighting against the part of me that accepted reality and moved on, that wants to move on. And there is also the part of me that remembers the promise I made two years ago. I'm being pulled in different directions, and all that it's making me is weary. Confused and weary because I don't really know how I would feel. Do I still hope, or will I turn my back on her and go forward?
I can ignore her, that's easy. I could just live my college life like I did the past two years. We have different schedules, I have responsibilities - it's very easy to lose myself in my work now. But I do want to be with her. i want to keep her company, but also I'm telling her to find her blockmates and stick with them so that she can have new friends to hang out with. ARRGHHH!! I'm just so confused.
And here - the girl of my dreams is ridiculously out of my league. She's rich, I'm not. I've been to Bataan and Batangas, she's been to Berlin and Bern. I haven't left Luzon, she has been to most of Europe. I've wanted to learn how to speak French, she can. She missed her first day at school and yet she still aced the quiz on chemistry. Her parents will allow her current boyfriend to stay at her house during vacation, they're surprised I'm even still in Ateneo (now that one hurts). But it's exactly all these things and everything else that I love about her.
Now she's back, she's filling up my every waking thought again. she's my biggest distraction, and also my inspiration. Whenever I'm with her, it's as if all the world just falls away and all I can feel and think about is her and that I'm happy. Just that. I'm happy. I've never felt like that with someone else.
She doesn't know the power she has over me. I'm willing to go out of my way to do something for her. I was running errands for her here when she was in Europe during Valentines day. I walked her home at midnight and walked home alone in the dark streets alone after that. I'm willing to get up early in the morning just to accompany her in school (if you know me you would know how important sleep to me is). I even kept that promise I made to her before she left. I waited.
She knows that I still love her. She can tell it from the way I look at her. The annoying thing is she acts like...the way she acted when we were together, giving me that look that makes me fall every time. Believe me or not, but I've thought of her every single day for the last two years. But this, along with everything else I'll leave unsaid.
The girl of my dreams is back, and she's driving me crazy once more. 2 years after she left, I've tried my best to move on, and I did, to a certain degree. I've been living my college life to the fullest I could, and the best analogy I could think of to explain that is that my life has been like my favorite cake, the best, and she is like the icing - I could live without it, but the cake would be incomplete. But here I am, the hopeless romantic, the naive boy who still believes that love conquers all and that the stars will bring you back to each other; kept a persistent hope in the face of relentless doubt that one day we will be together again, a tiny tiny annoying thorn in the back of my head. I tried my best to forget about it, to smother it with practicality and stone cold reality, but it just won't go away. I can say a part of me did move on; time can do that for you. Out of sight, out of mind. But now that she's back, she brought with her all the memories and thoughts and hope I've learned to suppress all this years .
Now the part of me that clung to hope is daring me to hope, fighting against the part of me that accepted reality and moved on, that wants to move on. And there is also the part of me that remembers the promise I made two years ago. I'm being pulled in different directions, and all that it's making me is weary. Confused and weary because I don't really know how I would feel. Do I still hope, or will I turn my back on her and go forward?
I can ignore her, that's easy. I could just live my college life like I did the past two years. We have different schedules, I have responsibilities - it's very easy to lose myself in my work now. But I do want to be with her. i want to keep her company, but also I'm telling her to find her blockmates and stick with them so that she can have new friends to hang out with. ARRGHHH!! I'm just so confused.
And here - the girl of my dreams is ridiculously out of my league. She's rich, I'm not. I've been to Bataan and Batangas, she's been to Berlin and Bern. I haven't left Luzon, she has been to most of Europe. I've wanted to learn how to speak French, she can. She missed her first day at school and yet she still aced the quiz on chemistry. Her parents will allow her current boyfriend to stay at her house during vacation, they're surprised I'm even still in Ateneo (now that one hurts). But it's exactly all these things and everything else that I love about her.
Now she's back, she's filling up my every waking thought again. she's my biggest distraction, and also my inspiration. Whenever I'm with her, it's as if all the world just falls away and all I can feel and think about is her and that I'm happy. Just that. I'm happy. I've never felt like that with someone else.
She doesn't know the power she has over me. I'm willing to go out of my way to do something for her. I was running errands for her here when she was in Europe during Valentines day. I walked her home at midnight and walked home alone in the dark streets alone after that. I'm willing to get up early in the morning just to accompany her in school (if you know me you would know how important sleep to me is). I even kept that promise I made to her before she left. I waited.
She knows that I still love her. She can tell it from the way I look at her. The annoying thing is she acts like...the way she acted when we were together, giving me that look that makes me fall every time. Believe me or not, but I've thought of her every single day for the last two years. But this, along with everything else I'll leave unsaid.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
I have become a Republican
Pullman's His Dark Materials affected me, first and partly because of the sad end which I'll admit got to me bad because I was once in the same position as the characters found themselves in, and reading it brought back the same painful emotions. Not to mention it happened to the characters I've come to love, which was sad. It took me a sleepless night and the whole day after to get over that. Leaving the bitterness of the ending and looking back with the eyes my literature teacher trained us with, I've come to see the genius of the work (the sad ending only made the story better), which believe me I could talk about for hours.
But making me realize how amusingly useful my literature class is not what I meant about the story affecting me. It is that I, an admirer of universes conjured up by the imaginations of authors like Tolkien and Lewis, have found something else in Pullman's novels, something beyond the mere wonderful storytelling of a fairytale (which already is fantastic). It is the idea of the Republic of Heaven.
The idea hit me like a truck: it makes sense, plain and simple. I'm a Catholic, and for a time now also have been a vocal critic of the Church. I've come to the point where I'm fully devout, fully questioning the very foundations of the Church teachings. I've settled on the label "Agnostic", but make it clear I'm an Agnostic Catholic, reconciling both sides of my dual belief regarding religion. This is even what drew me to reading His Dark Materials in the first place, because of it's reputation as being Church-critical.
But now I've not only discovered a magnificent work of imagination, but encountered a 'philosophy' I've come to adopt, because like I said, it makes a whole lot of sense, and suddenly it just arranged my confused personal religious views into a coherent idea.
The idea of the Republic of Heaven is quite simple. It says that the Church focuses too much on the afterlife and that we must build our happiness in the here and now. It's not as blasphemous an idea as it sounds. The best way to sum it up is in through this quote which says "they tell the poor people that they must be content with their poverty, and they shall have their heaven hereafter. But why may we not have our heaven here (that is, a comfortable livelihood in the earth) and heaven hereafter too, as well as you?" Isn't that a valid question? my disoriented view on religion has just found it's foundation, and the structure it can build on at the same time.
Pullman's comments, manipulated to reflect my own, can show you what I mean. He says "The kingdom of heaven promised us certain things: it promised us happiness and a sense of purpose and a sense of having a place in the universe, of having a role and a destiny that were noble and splendid; and so we were connected to things. We were not alienated..." (I'm a Christian)"...I don’t think I will continue to live after I’m dead..." (My agnostic view of the afterlife)"...so if I am to achieve these things I must try to bring them about – and encourage other people to bring them about – on earth, in a republic in which we are all free and equal – and responsible – citizens." The end there just pretty much reconciled it together. Like I said, it's not blasphemous. Let me continue that statement:
"Now, what does this involve? It involves all the best qualities of things. We mustn’t shut anything out. If the Church has told us, for example, that forgiving our enemies is good, and if that seems to be a good thing to do, we must do it..." (Yes i agree religions serve as moral compasses) "...If, on the other hand, those who struggled against the Church have shown us that free inquiry and unfettered scientific exploration is good – and I believe that they have – then we must hold this up as a good as well..." (If the church says it's good, adopt it. if it says it's not, take a step back first before you shun it. Take the case of population control for example. A runaway population is clearly not good for the environment, yet the church refuses to reverse it's pro-life stance.)
It talks about making the world a better place. It talks about using all the good virtues to build Heaven here on Earth. Even I think God will like that. I will live my life, I will live it, here and now, and while I'm doing it, I'm striving to do good for the world - I'm a development studies student after all.
It's name even sounds cool. The Republic of Heaven should be built here, because where we are is always the most important place. And that's why now I'm proud to call myself a Republican Catholic, unfortunate it may be that whenever I say it people will always think of the American political party.
Now, the question is, will my new found philosophy that's clearly incredibly humanistic stand up to the most (in)famous theology teacher in Ateneo?
Pullman's His Dark Materials affected me, first and partly because of the sad end which I'll admit got to me bad because I was once in the same position as the characters found themselves in, and reading it brought back the same painful emotions. Not to mention it happened to the characters I've come to love, which was sad. It took me a sleepless night and the whole day after to get over that. Leaving the bitterness of the ending and looking back with the eyes my literature teacher trained us with, I've come to see the genius of the work (the sad ending only made the story better), which believe me I could talk about for hours.
But making me realize how amusingly useful my literature class is not what I meant about the story affecting me. It is that I, an admirer of universes conjured up by the imaginations of authors like Tolkien and Lewis, have found something else in Pullman's novels, something beyond the mere wonderful storytelling of a fairytale (which already is fantastic). It is the idea of the Republic of Heaven.
The idea hit me like a truck: it makes sense, plain and simple. I'm a Catholic, and for a time now also have been a vocal critic of the Church. I've come to the point where I'm fully devout, fully questioning the very foundations of the Church teachings. I've settled on the label "Agnostic", but make it clear I'm an Agnostic Catholic, reconciling both sides of my dual belief regarding religion. This is even what drew me to reading His Dark Materials in the first place, because of it's reputation as being Church-critical.
But now I've not only discovered a magnificent work of imagination, but encountered a 'philosophy' I've come to adopt, because like I said, it makes a whole lot of sense, and suddenly it just arranged my confused personal religious views into a coherent idea.
The idea of the Republic of Heaven is quite simple. It says that the Church focuses too much on the afterlife and that we must build our happiness in the here and now. It's not as blasphemous an idea as it sounds. The best way to sum it up is in through this quote which says "they tell the poor people that they must be content with their poverty, and they shall have their heaven hereafter. But why may we not have our heaven here (that is, a comfortable livelihood in the earth) and heaven hereafter too, as well as you?" Isn't that a valid question? my disoriented view on religion has just found it's foundation, and the structure it can build on at the same time.
Pullman's comments, manipulated to reflect my own, can show you what I mean. He says "The kingdom of heaven promised us certain things: it promised us happiness and a sense of purpose and a sense of having a place in the universe, of having a role and a destiny that were noble and splendid; and so we were connected to things. We were not alienated..." (I'm a Christian)"...I don’t think I will continue to live after I’m dead..." (My agnostic view of the afterlife)"...so if I am to achieve these things I must try to bring them about – and encourage other people to bring them about – on earth, in a republic in which we are all free and equal – and responsible – citizens." The end there just pretty much reconciled it together. Like I said, it's not blasphemous. Let me continue that statement:
"Now, what does this involve? It involves all the best qualities of things. We mustn’t shut anything out. If the Church has told us, for example, that forgiving our enemies is good, and if that seems to be a good thing to do, we must do it..." (Yes i agree religions serve as moral compasses) "...If, on the other hand, those who struggled against the Church have shown us that free inquiry and unfettered scientific exploration is good – and I believe that they have – then we must hold this up as a good as well..." (If the church says it's good, adopt it. if it says it's not, take a step back first before you shun it. Take the case of population control for example. A runaway population is clearly not good for the environment, yet the church refuses to reverse it's pro-life stance.)
It talks about making the world a better place. It talks about using all the good virtues to build Heaven here on Earth. Even I think God will like that. I will live my life, I will live it, here and now, and while I'm doing it, I'm striving to do good for the world - I'm a development studies student after all.
It's name even sounds cool. The Republic of Heaven should be built here, because where we are is always the most important place. And that's why now I'm proud to call myself a Republican Catholic, unfortunate it may be that whenever I say it people will always think of the American political party.
Now, the question is, will my new found philosophy that's clearly incredibly humanistic stand up to the most (in)famous theology teacher in Ateneo?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Worms of the Heart
Who ever knew there's such things as 'heartworms'? Disgusting wiggling parasites floating in the blood and growing in the heart, of all places. They were barely visible to see in the blood sample, but they were there, taunting me with their microscopic wiggling, daring me to hope that what I see is just normal, but it was unmistakable; there was something else moving in the blood. I could stomach intestinal worms, but there they were, wiggling as if their only purpose was to send a shiver down my spine and give me a heartache as I look at them through a microscope. It's confirmed said the doc - they're there, and it was fatal.
She said it as if she was telling a patient he had terminal cancer. 'He won't live long', she says. All we could was wait.
And all I could do was look. I refused to let it sink in, detaching myself as I have done whenever I heard news of a calamity that affected thousands or when there is a death in the family, a coping mechanism I have perfected so well people will think I don't care at all. But I do. A part of me feels everything but I keep it all at arms-length. Succumbing to emotion now would mean an ironic victory for those nasty worms whose job it is to inflict pain in the heart.
What used to be playful encounters with my dog turned to quiet time where I would just scratch his head and he would snuggle in the same manner a cat does. I thought it was just because he has getting old already and I was too grown up to play with him like a kid. But recently he has been growing thinner, so we called the vet. They came, and with one simple blood test confirmed that he was infected with heartworms.
My first thought was "ewww..." Cmon, worms...in the heart. What was more disturbing was if that random sample of blood already contained 3 worms already immediately visible in the microscop, how many do you think is floating around in the bloodstream? The only thing that didn't make my hair stand up on end was the thought of my dog. He was just sitting there, his head bowed low as if he was understanding what we were talking about, as if he knew he was just waiting to die.
While the vet was talking with my mom, I was comforting my dog, if it was all possible. And like so many other times while I was stroking his head he would nuzzle back like a cat, as if he wants to be embraced.The vet said it was fatal. There is treatment; but it was expensive, and it wasn't sure if he would live anyway, because the damage has already been done. So in effect, we were just waiting for him to die.
My dog has been with us for 7-8 years. He's a lively dalmatian-hybrid who's heavy enough to take me down if he jumped at me and has worked how to jump up a 5 foot concrete wall like a cat to get out of the house. He knows strangers because he barks like mad at them and can somehow tell them apart from friends or family who can approach him without fear. He has given my mom a headache for the past years because he digs parts of the garden to make a nice cool patch for himself to lie on. He keeps digging and digging, because when that moist patch of soil dries he digs once more. We have gave up on filling back the hole, so now he has a favorite spot right outside my bedroom window, as if he was there to guard me at night.
Now he's weak and thin, with an expression in his face as if he is tired. He no longer runs to the door when he hears me open it, and he just lies there at his 1-foot hole of dirt, digging even more. He no longer gobbles up his food hungrily. He now moves in a lethargic pace around the house, and his earsplitting bark has become weak and feeble.
All the vet can do is give him some vitamins to get his strength back up.
And all we could do was wait. I thought if only I had the money I would take the chance of getting him treated. But we're not that blessed. And so after the vet left I carried my dog, who didn't like to move anymore like any sick person. He was so thin that I could scoop him in my arms already and carried him back to his favorite place. These nasty, disgusting worms were killing my friend, slowly. I felt a pang in my heart even though all those nasty worms were in him. And a sad thought and a sad smile came to me as I lay him down in his favorite dirthole. He must have known he was sick, and he just lied there, digging to make himself comfortable, and I thought it looked like he was digging his own grave...
Who ever knew there's such things as 'heartworms'? Disgusting wiggling parasites floating in the blood and growing in the heart, of all places. They were barely visible to see in the blood sample, but they were there, taunting me with their microscopic wiggling, daring me to hope that what I see is just normal, but it was unmistakable; there was something else moving in the blood. I could stomach intestinal worms, but there they were, wiggling as if their only purpose was to send a shiver down my spine and give me a heartache as I look at them through a microscope. It's confirmed said the doc - they're there, and it was fatal.
She said it as if she was telling a patient he had terminal cancer. 'He won't live long', she says. All we could was wait.
And all I could do was look. I refused to let it sink in, detaching myself as I have done whenever I heard news of a calamity that affected thousands or when there is a death in the family, a coping mechanism I have perfected so well people will think I don't care at all. But I do. A part of me feels everything but I keep it all at arms-length. Succumbing to emotion now would mean an ironic victory for those nasty worms whose job it is to inflict pain in the heart.
What used to be playful encounters with my dog turned to quiet time where I would just scratch his head and he would snuggle in the same manner a cat does. I thought it was just because he has getting old already and I was too grown up to play with him like a kid. But recently he has been growing thinner, so we called the vet. They came, and with one simple blood test confirmed that he was infected with heartworms.
My first thought was "ewww..." Cmon, worms...in the heart. What was more disturbing was if that random sample of blood already contained 3 worms already immediately visible in the microscop, how many do you think is floating around in the bloodstream? The only thing that didn't make my hair stand up on end was the thought of my dog. He was just sitting there, his head bowed low as if he was understanding what we were talking about, as if he knew he was just waiting to die.
While the vet was talking with my mom, I was comforting my dog, if it was all possible. And like so many other times while I was stroking his head he would nuzzle back like a cat, as if he wants to be embraced.The vet said it was fatal. There is treatment; but it was expensive, and it wasn't sure if he would live anyway, because the damage has already been done. So in effect, we were just waiting for him to die.
My dog has been with us for 7-8 years. He's a lively dalmatian-hybrid who's heavy enough to take me down if he jumped at me and has worked how to jump up a 5 foot concrete wall like a cat to get out of the house. He knows strangers because he barks like mad at them and can somehow tell them apart from friends or family who can approach him without fear. He has given my mom a headache for the past years because he digs parts of the garden to make a nice cool patch for himself to lie on. He keeps digging and digging, because when that moist patch of soil dries he digs once more. We have gave up on filling back the hole, so now he has a favorite spot right outside my bedroom window, as if he was there to guard me at night.
Now he's weak and thin, with an expression in his face as if he is tired. He no longer runs to the door when he hears me open it, and he just lies there at his 1-foot hole of dirt, digging even more. He no longer gobbles up his food hungrily. He now moves in a lethargic pace around the house, and his earsplitting bark has become weak and feeble.
All the vet can do is give him some vitamins to get his strength back up.
And all we could do was wait. I thought if only I had the money I would take the chance of getting him treated. But we're not that blessed. And so after the vet left I carried my dog, who didn't like to move anymore like any sick person. He was so thin that I could scoop him in my arms already and carried him back to his favorite place. These nasty, disgusting worms were killing my friend, slowly. I felt a pang in my heart even though all those nasty worms were in him. And a sad thought and a sad smile came to me as I lay him down in his favorite dirthole. He must have known he was sick, and he just lied there, digging to make himself comfortable, and I thought it looked like he was digging his own grave...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Noisy night and a wedding the morning after
So it was about 1 am in the morning when I heard something in our backyard. Sounded like the muffled thud of an indian mango falling, which is common since we have a mango tree in the yard, unless it falls on the roof and makes a racket louder than a gunshot. It sounded normal until I heard the flowing water. That was weird, and I first thought our dog or that falling mango knocked over a basin. Problem with that is that the sound continued longer than it should have if it was a fallen basin.
Then I thought the creek broke through. See, our backyard wall literally keeps back a creek behind our house, and last year that wall broke and let in flood waters that destroyed our neighbors house. Can't be that, since the creek wasn't swollen from the rains. And yet that gurgling flowing sound continued. I tried shining a flashlight into the backyard but can't see anything. Then the thought crossed my mind that someone could be there.
That was unlikely, because my dog wasn't barking. But since they raised the creek wall almost to the level of our own wall, it's become a danger because it makes our backyard technically accessible, hence why we're paying to put some barbed wire to keep people out, but that's not until tomorrow.
So I got up, grabbed my arnis stick, and went out to check. I put on the lights as I went through the house, then carefully opened the door to the backyard, then I looked around.
And there it was. A faucet burst. And it was gushing water. I went back in woke up my dad and went out the front to put off the water main from there.
Surreal experience to walk out at past 1 am holding a stick to shut off the water main.
Well, that was my night. In the morning we were to go out to my cousin's wedding, which is the Cainta municipal hall. It the first civil wedding I've been to, so the experience is worth sharing. Too bad I didn't bring my camera, I seem to always forget that I own one.
In the solar oven they call an auditorium there were a dozen or couples, with 200 or so relatives. Mayor Mon Ilagan was the presider, much to my amusement. He presided the wedding like how Edu Manzano hosts Game ka na ba, or how a parent hosts a children's party - with oddly placed (and corny) jokes in between the ceremony. The couples did their part, doing things the Mayor can joke about like looking around instead of staring down their partners while saying their vows. While that's happening photographers -i.e family members with cellphones and digicams were swarming the couples, even going in between them to get a closeup.
After a short ceremony, everybody was rejoicing - finally beside they can come out of that hotbox they call a building. And so ended my adventure of the week. Yeo, this is as exciting as it gets during summer in my life.
So it was about 1 am in the morning when I heard something in our backyard. Sounded like the muffled thud of an indian mango falling, which is common since we have a mango tree in the yard, unless it falls on the roof and makes a racket louder than a gunshot. It sounded normal until I heard the flowing water. That was weird, and I first thought our dog or that falling mango knocked over a basin. Problem with that is that the sound continued longer than it should have if it was a fallen basin.
Then I thought the creek broke through. See, our backyard wall literally keeps back a creek behind our house, and last year that wall broke and let in flood waters that destroyed our neighbors house. Can't be that, since the creek wasn't swollen from the rains. And yet that gurgling flowing sound continued. I tried shining a flashlight into the backyard but can't see anything. Then the thought crossed my mind that someone could be there.
That was unlikely, because my dog wasn't barking. But since they raised the creek wall almost to the level of our own wall, it's become a danger because it makes our backyard technically accessible, hence why we're paying to put some barbed wire to keep people out, but that's not until tomorrow.
So I got up, grabbed my arnis stick, and went out to check. I put on the lights as I went through the house, then carefully opened the door to the backyard, then I looked around.
And there it was. A faucet burst. And it was gushing water. I went back in woke up my dad and went out the front to put off the water main from there.
Surreal experience to walk out at past 1 am holding a stick to shut off the water main.
Well, that was my night. In the morning we were to go out to my cousin's wedding, which is the Cainta municipal hall. It the first civil wedding I've been to, so the experience is worth sharing. Too bad I didn't bring my camera, I seem to always forget that I own one.
In the solar oven they call an auditorium there were a dozen or couples, with 200 or so relatives. Mayor Mon Ilagan was the presider, much to my amusement. He presided the wedding like how Edu Manzano hosts Game ka na ba, or how a parent hosts a children's party - with oddly placed (and corny) jokes in between the ceremony. The couples did their part, doing things the Mayor can joke about like looking around instead of staring down their partners while saying their vows. While that's happening photographers -i.e family members with cellphones and digicams were swarming the couples, even going in between them to get a closeup.
After a short ceremony, everybody was rejoicing - finally beside they can come out of that hotbox they call a building. And so ended my adventure of the week. Yeo, this is as exciting as it gets during summer in my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Responsibility
I took the job because first, I wanted to give back to the organization that has become my family, and since no one was inclined to I saw the need for someone to step up to the position and so I did. I also saw it as an opportunity to learn something useful. And I took the job because I wanted to become more responsible.
I'm not a responsible guy, nor am I industrious or have rock solid discipline. I'm almost always late for everything, I put things off if possible, I don't do work if I know it won't kill me if I didn't. I accepted these things of me and even turned it into a lifestyle, the 'stress free-living' student life. I prefer to be the idea man, say something and let someone else do it. Like how my new idol the Street Strategist puts it, I'm a man of 'unlimited imagination but of limited talent'. I've always talked about not wanting to join the corporate world because it's too constricting and I want to live a life free of the drive for money. Well, I really do want not to spend my days working in a 6x8 cubicle, but also because I know I won't survive in the corporate world with all it's deadlines. Same reason why I know now that I won't survive in the Sciences; I just don't have the discipline for it. And that's why i fear taking a position of responsibility. I'm afraid I'd let people down.
And that's why I took the job. Because I know this time, I will be forced to become responsible. I would never want to let my friends down. I saw this as an opportunity to change myself before I enter the real world.
And now I'm here, I think I bit off more than I can chew. I ran for the position knowing nothing about it. I cited experience in my resume - bullshit, that's only 10% true. I did hold positions, but i did nothing in them. I would have loved to, for training and experience, but i never did (not of my own fault or choosing). So I took the job with zero knowledge - and if I only knew what I was getting myself into, I would have thought twice before volunteering. The sheer amount of paperwork and deadline screams the need for discipline and responsibility which I wanted to get doing the job in the first place. I've got myself in my own catch-22.
In fact I have so much non-experience that those people who don't have my job know more about it, including those younger than me (sophomores). I'm dumbfounded about how they know more about my job than me. I think even the assistant I got knows more than me.
I got a headache during plevsem hearing about all the plans, because all those plans means work for me. I'm the most irresponsible guy in the group and I'm holding the job with the most work. I'm amazed how I got myself in this stupid position.
And during that meeting I could feel the pressure piling. every project I hear being planned is another week's worth or more of paperwork, every project a need to get more sponsors. I could already feel the load of it all, taxing my sanity in the incoming year, and I haven't even factored in my academics yet. I was getting overwhelmed of it all that I almost lost it and shouted at the president when she told the group something I didn't know about which I should have. Stress, and peer pressure. I feel like I'm about to get hit by a truck.
Curiously though, even with the anticipated pressure I feel excited with the coming year. It feels like I'm switching from feeling overwhelmed at the amount of effort to make to feeling excited at the good I could do- like a mini manic-depressive cycle. i wonder if this is the rush people who thrive in pressure talk about, you know like doctors.
If it's a lesson in responsibility I wanted to learn, I'll be learning it the hard way. This year's gonna be a crash course in discipline for me. Oh what the hell was I thinking. Here's to a great incoming school year.
I took the job because first, I wanted to give back to the organization that has become my family, and since no one was inclined to I saw the need for someone to step up to the position and so I did. I also saw it as an opportunity to learn something useful. And I took the job because I wanted to become more responsible.
I'm not a responsible guy, nor am I industrious or have rock solid discipline. I'm almost always late for everything, I put things off if possible, I don't do work if I know it won't kill me if I didn't. I accepted these things of me and even turned it into a lifestyle, the 'stress free-living' student life. I prefer to be the idea man, say something and let someone else do it. Like how my new idol the Street Strategist puts it, I'm a man of 'unlimited imagination but of limited talent'. I've always talked about not wanting to join the corporate world because it's too constricting and I want to live a life free of the drive for money. Well, I really do want not to spend my days working in a 6x8 cubicle, but also because I know I won't survive in the corporate world with all it's deadlines. Same reason why I know now that I won't survive in the Sciences; I just don't have the discipline for it. And that's why i fear taking a position of responsibility. I'm afraid I'd let people down.
And that's why I took the job. Because I know this time, I will be forced to become responsible. I would never want to let my friends down. I saw this as an opportunity to change myself before I enter the real world.
And now I'm here, I think I bit off more than I can chew. I ran for the position knowing nothing about it. I cited experience in my resume - bullshit, that's only 10% true. I did hold positions, but i did nothing in them. I would have loved to, for training and experience, but i never did (not of my own fault or choosing). So I took the job with zero knowledge - and if I only knew what I was getting myself into, I would have thought twice before volunteering. The sheer amount of paperwork and deadline screams the need for discipline and responsibility which I wanted to get doing the job in the first place. I've got myself in my own catch-22.
In fact I have so much non-experience that those people who don't have my job know more about it, including those younger than me (sophomores). I'm dumbfounded about how they know more about my job than me. I think even the assistant I got knows more than me.
I got a headache during plevsem hearing about all the plans, because all those plans means work for me. I'm the most irresponsible guy in the group and I'm holding the job with the most work. I'm amazed how I got myself in this stupid position.
And during that meeting I could feel the pressure piling. every project I hear being planned is another week's worth or more of paperwork, every project a need to get more sponsors. I could already feel the load of it all, taxing my sanity in the incoming year, and I haven't even factored in my academics yet. I was getting overwhelmed of it all that I almost lost it and shouted at the president when she told the group something I didn't know about which I should have. Stress, and peer pressure. I feel like I'm about to get hit by a truck.
Curiously though, even with the anticipated pressure I feel excited with the coming year. It feels like I'm switching from feeling overwhelmed at the amount of effort to make to feeling excited at the good I could do- like a mini manic-depressive cycle. i wonder if this is the rush people who thrive in pressure talk about, you know like doctors.
If it's a lesson in responsibility I wanted to learn, I'll be learning it the hard way. This year's gonna be a crash course in discipline for me. Oh what the hell was I thinking. Here's to a great incoming school year.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Summer Vacation Loser
I'm such a loser during summer vacation. Where my friends have been going to places like Rome, Singapore, Hong Kong, the US, Boracay, Puerto, or even just their provinces like Zambales or Batangas, the most exciting (and only, if not my trip to the local mall last monday) place I've been in the past 2 weeks of vacation has been the cemetery.
Sleep can only kill so many hours of the day, and so as not to go insane of boredom in the times where I'm not eating, watching the TV, playing video games or sleeping, I've resorted to reread my DS subject readings. Yes! I'm not joking. I'm shifting through pages of course readings - during summer vacation. At least I'm comforted by the thought of doing something productive. I've reread and finally understood our first ever article which I didn't finish and read another one which I didn't read at all. Well, better late than never. Also trying to read the articles we didn't take up. There's actually some pretty good stuff there. I also have the His Dark Materials Trilogy of novels I've wanted to read since watching the Golden Compass but weirdly I've been putting of reading it. just another in the long list of summer readings I want to accomplish.
While we are in the topic of summer, I've got to watching the new Terminator series on C/S and AXN, and I'm excited to see one of my favorite actresses again on TV. Summer Glau beats Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Terminator any day. Kristanna Loken, eat your heart out.
I'm such a loser during summer vacation. Where my friends have been going to places like Rome, Singapore, Hong Kong, the US, Boracay, Puerto, or even just their provinces like Zambales or Batangas, the most exciting (and only, if not my trip to the local mall last monday) place I've been in the past 2 weeks of vacation has been the cemetery.
Sleep can only kill so many hours of the day, and so as not to go insane of boredom in the times where I'm not eating, watching the TV, playing video games or sleeping, I've resorted to reread my DS subject readings. Yes! I'm not joking. I'm shifting through pages of course readings - during summer vacation. At least I'm comforted by the thought of doing something productive. I've reread and finally understood our first ever article which I didn't finish and read another one which I didn't read at all. Well, better late than never. Also trying to read the articles we didn't take up. There's actually some pretty good stuff there. I also have the His Dark Materials Trilogy of novels I've wanted to read since watching the Golden Compass but weirdly I've been putting of reading it. just another in the long list of summer readings I want to accomplish.
While we are in the topic of summer, I've got to watching the new Terminator series on C/S and AXN, and I'm excited to see one of my favorite actresses again on TV. Summer Glau beats Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Terminator any day. Kristanna Loken, eat your heart out.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Thoughts of an idealistic Development Studies undergrad
Rice shortage crisis, NBN-ZTE controversy, Sumilao land case, extra-judicial killings, political killings, Spratly's dealings, 4 Trillion peso debt, greedy government officials with their own agendas, fertilizer fund scam, convicted plunderer getting pardon, convicted plunderer on-stage an anti-corruption rally, convicted plunderer having a realistic chance of running again as president; motions for impeachment, coup de etat attempts, mutineer getting elected as a senator, actors as politicians; food prices rising, fastfood items cost rising, oil prices rising, transportation fare rising, electricity costs rising, +20% of the population living under $1 a day; overcrowded classrooms, lack of public school teachers, inadequate school supplies, inaccurate textbooks, 67 of 100 primary school students graduate, of that 45 finish high school, 26 enter and 7 students finish college; OVERPOPULATION, overflowing landfills, overfishing, massive deforestation, deadly air pollution, pollution of water sources, disease outbreaks, climate change impacts; Bishops meddling in politics, use of the mass as a political tool, church refusal on population control issue; distrust on the police, police abusing their power, a legal Communist party, a legal communist party with an armed insurgent group, an insurgent problem as old as my dad, unending military conflict in the south; a generally apathetic youth, concerned only in finding a nice job, preferably overseas...
The Philippines is going to hell before I even graduate...
Rice shortage crisis, NBN-ZTE controversy, Sumilao land case, extra-judicial killings, political killings, Spratly's dealings, 4 Trillion peso debt, greedy government officials with their own agendas, fertilizer fund scam, convicted plunderer getting pardon, convicted plunderer on-stage an anti-corruption rally, convicted plunderer having a realistic chance of running again as president; motions for impeachment, coup de etat attempts, mutineer getting elected as a senator, actors as politicians; food prices rising, fastfood items cost rising, oil prices rising, transportation fare rising, electricity costs rising, +20% of the population living under $1 a day; overcrowded classrooms, lack of public school teachers, inadequate school supplies, inaccurate textbooks, 67 of 100 primary school students graduate, of that 45 finish high school, 26 enter and 7 students finish college; OVERPOPULATION, overflowing landfills, overfishing, massive deforestation, deadly air pollution, pollution of water sources, disease outbreaks, climate change impacts; Bishops meddling in politics, use of the mass as a political tool, church refusal on population control issue; distrust on the police, police abusing their power, a legal Communist party, a legal communist party with an armed insurgent group, an insurgent problem as old as my dad, unending military conflict in the south; a generally apathetic youth, concerned only in finding a nice job, preferably overseas...
The Philippines is going to hell before I even graduate...
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Fool's Day
Yep, today is the perfect day for me to resume blogging. It's time to stop being foolish and get my life back on track. You see, for the past 2 months I've been Lazy - capital "L" because it's not the normal kind of laziness. I felt like I was depressed - without the emo-sadness, just the lack of motivation to do anything. I haven't even blogged, and that's not because my life has been uneventful. See that; my last post has been at the start of February about a joke music survey when I've spent Valentines Day alone, did my long-delayed electronic waste drive project, swiped 5-pounds worth of freebie reading materials from World Bank and Asian Development Bank, got showered by ashes watching a fireworks display in San Beda after parading around the Malacanang area for 3 hours, watched the foolishness that is the House of Representatives in person, became bartender for a night, became inducted as the new ESS Finance officer, survived swimming class, hopped through 14 different churches in a single day, finished the second year of my College life and so many more. I didn't write anything down because I lost my driving force, my enthusiasm, my inspiration or whatever you called it. I wanted to express my thoughts, but I couldn't get myself to do it. Pure laziness. I couldn't even care less about school anymore, which was foolish because it left me in a bad situation in some of my classes grade-wise. I have a stack of books I've wanted to read and I haven't touched one yet. My religiosity even waned. All that was in my mind was watching anime and playing DotA. Foolishness I tell you.
Well, that phase ends today. I'm forcing myself to breakout of this foolish Lazy-motivationally-depressed state, and the first step is this: forcing myself to write this new blogpost, and I tell you that took some intense self-talk before I got my butt in front of my computer and start typing. I've got so many things that I want to do, so many things in my mind and so many things I want to say. And it all starts with this post.
Yep, today is the perfect day for me to resume blogging. It's time to stop being foolish and get my life back on track. You see, for the past 2 months I've been Lazy - capital "L" because it's not the normal kind of laziness. I felt like I was depressed - without the emo-sadness, just the lack of motivation to do anything. I haven't even blogged, and that's not because my life has been uneventful. See that; my last post has been at the start of February about a joke music survey when I've spent Valentines Day alone, did my long-delayed electronic waste drive project, swiped 5-pounds worth of freebie reading materials from World Bank and Asian Development Bank, got showered by ashes watching a fireworks display in San Beda after parading around the Malacanang area for 3 hours, watched the foolishness that is the House of Representatives in person, became bartender for a night, became inducted as the new ESS Finance officer, survived swimming class, hopped through 14 different churches in a single day, finished the second year of my College life and so many more. I didn't write anything down because I lost my driving force, my enthusiasm, my inspiration or whatever you called it. I wanted to express my thoughts, but I couldn't get myself to do it. Pure laziness. I couldn't even care less about school anymore, which was foolish because it left me in a bad situation in some of my classes grade-wise. I have a stack of books I've wanted to read and I haven't touched one yet. My religiosity even waned. All that was in my mind was watching anime and playing DotA. Foolishness I tell you.
Well, that phase ends today. I'm forcing myself to breakout of this foolish Lazy-motivationally-depressed state, and the first step is this: forcing myself to write this new blogpost, and I tell you that took some intense self-talk before I got my butt in front of my computer and start typing. I've got so many things that I want to do, so many things in my mind and so many things I want to say. And it all starts with this post.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Ewan - Musings and another Music Survey
I'll take this opportunity to blog since the next thing that I will post will be promotions for my upcoming ESS project and also since I'll probably be swamped by schoolwork for the next week or so. Another academic cycle is starting once more.
Like in economics where there is a business cycle of expansion-recession, academic life (at least, mine) is also marked by a cycle - a cycle of stress and slack(ing off). And it so happens the slacking stage is ending after the stress of our polsci report and 2 long test from my major subjects. The stress stage is coming once more - this time in the form of both acads and extra-curricular activities. I have about 12 pounds worth of readings to go through including a book for our report on Wednesday.Also my long delayed project is finally approved and set for Friday and Saturday. I must promote that vigorously and I don't know how or if there is even much time. Gah I hate being a project head.
Another month has blurred past me again. And now it's February again. Oh how time flies.
And now to the music survey I saw from Jacky's site. I did a different music survey last September (wow, so long ago) that was really funny (http://stargazerspoint.blogspot.com/2007_09_01_archive.html) so I tried this one too to see what the weird, often accurate and funny results will be.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question
1. What does this year have in store for me?
I Could Not Ask For More - Edwin Mccain (This must be a great year. haha)
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
2. What does your love life look like?
Come Around - Rhett Miller (God that so hit the mark. hahaha)
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around
So come around "
3. What do I say when life gets hard?
Sampip (solo)- Parokya ni Edgar (Another good answer. hehe)
"I'll just close my eyes and just go to sleep" <- Perfect me
But a better line will be -
"call me crazy i just don't care
I'll never quit it so you better beware"
4. What do I think of when I get up in the morning?
Martyr Nyebera - Kamikazee (My parents)
"paggising sa umaga
mukha mo ang nakita
wala pang nagawa nakasimangot na"
5. What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin - Kitchie Nadal (Well, the survey is bound to miss sometime.c'mon, you can't dance to this song. hehe)
6. What do you want as a career?
Tulog na - Sugarfree (What's with me and sleeping? )
7. Your favorite saying?
Cruisin' - Gweneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis ( I love this song)
"and if you want it you got it forever"
8. Favorite place?
Broken Sonnet - Hale ( The only good song Hale made IMO)
"Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side"
9. What do you think of your parents?
Chicksilog - Kamikazee (Guess that's another miss)
10. Where would you go on a first date?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol ( Could be - I'm lazy (or broke) to go out. Hehe)
"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world? "
11. Drug of choice?
Ikaw Lamang - Silent Sanctuary (yeah. Perfect answer haha)
"Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta"
12. Describe yourself.
Akin ka na lang - Itchyworms (Well, at least it's consistent with the other music survey - still says I'm jealous. <_< )
13. The song that will be played at your funeral?
Bulong - Kitchie Nadal (I must have left some sad people. Hehe. Also the chorus sounds supernatural since this is supposed to be for my funeral)
"Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot?
Nababalut pa ng poot,
maraming hinanakit sa mundo.
Di alam anong gagawin kundi ubusin ang oras sa gin.
Akala mo'y iya'y may mararating.
Hoy kaibigan ko!
Pakinggan mo ang mga bulong sa ‘yo.
Ito'y di galing sa mundo.
Patungo sa pangakong paraiso."
14. What's your pornstar name?
I wanna be with you - Mandy Moore (I sound like one needy desperate pornstar)
15. What is my state of mind like at the
moment?
It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects (Emo? Meh - sabaw lang sa schoolwork)
16. How will I die?
Para Sayo - Parokya ni Edgar ( Perfect. Well, it almost happened once before [ and no, that wasn't cryptic love life talk]. Ask the ES freshmen. hehe)
17. The song you'll put as the subject?
Ewan - Imago
I'll take this opportunity to blog since the next thing that I will post will be promotions for my upcoming ESS project and also since I'll probably be swamped by schoolwork for the next week or so. Another academic cycle is starting once more.
Like in economics where there is a business cycle of expansion-recession, academic life (at least, mine) is also marked by a cycle - a cycle of stress and slack(ing off). And it so happens the slacking stage is ending after the stress of our polsci report and 2 long test from my major subjects. The stress stage is coming once more - this time in the form of both acads and extra-curricular activities. I have about 12 pounds worth of readings to go through including a book for our report on Wednesday.Also my long delayed project is finally approved and set for Friday and Saturday. I must promote that vigorously and I don't know how or if there is even much time. Gah I hate being a project head.
Another month has blurred past me again. And now it's February again. Oh how time flies.
And now to the music survey I saw from Jacky's site. I did a different music survey last September (wow, so long ago) that was really funny (http://stargazerspoint.blogspot.com/2007_09_01_archive.html) so I tried this one too to see what the weird, often accurate and funny results will be.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question
1. What does this year have in store for me?
I Could Not Ask For More - Edwin Mccain (This must be a great year. haha)
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
2. What does your love life look like?
Come Around - Rhett Miller (God that so hit the mark. hahaha)
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around
So come around "
3. What do I say when life gets hard?
Sampip (solo)- Parokya ni Edgar (Another good answer. hehe)
"I'll just close my eyes and just go to sleep" <- Perfect me
But a better line will be -
"call me crazy i just don't care
I'll never quit it so you better beware"
4. What do I think of when I get up in the morning?
Martyr Nyebera - Kamikazee (My parents)
"paggising sa umaga
mukha mo ang nakita
wala pang nagawa nakasimangot na"
5. What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin - Kitchie Nadal (Well, the survey is bound to miss sometime.c'mon, you can't dance to this song. hehe)
6. What do you want as a career?
Tulog na - Sugarfree (What's with me and sleeping? )
7. Your favorite saying?
Cruisin' - Gweneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis ( I love this song)
"and if you want it you got it forever"
8. Favorite place?
Broken Sonnet - Hale ( The only good song Hale made IMO)
"Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side"
9. What do you think of your parents?
Chicksilog - Kamikazee (Guess that's another miss)
10. Where would you go on a first date?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol ( Could be - I'm lazy (or broke) to go out. Hehe)
"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world? "
11. Drug of choice?
Ikaw Lamang - Silent Sanctuary (yeah. Perfect answer haha)
"Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta"
12. Describe yourself.
Akin ka na lang - Itchyworms (Well, at least it's consistent with the other music survey - still says I'm jealous. <_< )
13. The song that will be played at your funeral?
Bulong - Kitchie Nadal (I must have left some sad people. Hehe. Also the chorus sounds supernatural since this is supposed to be for my funeral)
"Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot?
Nababalut pa ng poot,
maraming hinanakit sa mundo.
Di alam anong gagawin kundi ubusin ang oras sa gin.
Akala mo'y iya'y may mararating.
Hoy kaibigan ko!
Pakinggan mo ang mga bulong sa ‘yo.
Ito'y di galing sa mundo.
Patungo sa pangakong paraiso."
14. What's your pornstar name?
I wanna be with you - Mandy Moore (I sound like one needy desperate pornstar)
15. What is my state of mind like at the
moment?
It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects (Emo? Meh - sabaw lang sa schoolwork)
16. How will I die?
Para Sayo - Parokya ni Edgar ( Perfect. Well, it almost happened once before [ and no, that wasn't cryptic love life talk]. Ask the ES freshmen. hehe)
17. The song you'll put as the subject?
Ewan - Imago
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