I wonder what will happen if I die?

It was after watching the UAAP finals at MVP, and I was walking around the campus, savoring the satisfaction of our victory when I came across the wake of Gab Doller at the chapel, and it hit me that in the midst of all the cheers and happiness, there exists sadness in this corner of the school. It was sad to think that his death, at least for a moment was overshadowed by the championship, and so in the hallway empty of students who were all celebrating at Araneta I came and stayed in silence to show that at least in a way, people have not forgotten.

You never really think about death, and so when someone close by dies it feels surreal. I wasn't really that close with Gab, and if not for a blogpost that mentioned him being part of World Youth Day and me remembering that a picture of the participants was in the last issue of Guidon, I wouldn't have remembered that he was my French I classmate. I knew the face but the name attached to it only weakly until I saw his picture and put them together.

I came upon his Memorial Board where a tarp was put up for his friends to write their last messages for him. I was touched and saddened by what was written. There were those expressing their shock and mourning his sudden passing. There were happy messages left as if he wasn't gone at all. And there were those remembering his friends' fondest memories of him that they will miss.

Which made me contemplate. If I die and I had a Board like this, what will people write? Will they say my death is a shock? Who will write? How many of my 'friends' will leave even a note? What will they miss of me? Will they mention a thing they remember me for or miss having?

I had this same-yet-different thought when I heard of Tara. She was shot during a robbery and was placed in a coma. The night it happened I already read about it in my friends blogs and within a week benefit concerts for her were already being planned. And i thought, who is she that she is getting this much attention and support, not out of disrespect but out of real wonder, because I didn't really know her. I wondered if something like it happened to me if the school will show the same amount of support or does it all depend on people's 'social capital'?

I have this notion of passing my day-to-day with as little impact on people as possible. Being detached from the world and the people makes me free. Staying in the back, being anonymous, keeping quiet, the guy that does (great) things with taking as little attention as possible. But to think if I die right now no one will remember me, or anything of me sucks. I guess that's the downside of keeping my distance from the world. I'm left to wonder if I left anything to anyone worth remembering.

This is what going mad feels like

I've put off writing this post for 3 months now as I grapple what I really feel. it has gone through several writings and edits about several things, about what I felt during a particular time or about the past months. Let me say everything now, once and let me forget all about it.

I love you. I love you now as much as I had two years ago. I always think about you. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm alone, whenever I don't see you. Always. It's driving me crazy thinking about you and knowing I can't tell you anything when I see you. when all I can say is 'if you only knew.' If you only knew how much I still love you. If you only knew that I'm still waiting. If you only knew how much it hurts me whenever you tell me those things. If you only knew how much it hurts being beside you and pretending everything is ok. If you only knew I don't care about those things as long as I see you happy. If you only knew that i can't get close to another because my hope for you stops me every time.

My hope is pushing me to look for you everyday, to ask you how you are and what are you doing, to make sure that you're ok, and I'm going mad because I have to stop and tell myself that I have to let you go, that you don't care about me anymore. I'm fighting myself and it's tearing me in two. And until now I don't know if I'll still hope and wait or if I have to strength to finally let go and move on. You're making it difficult because you continue to make me hope whenever you hold my hand.

I'm telling myself that I'm too young to feel this way, that I still have my whole life ahead of me. But then I wish that I could be with you and then I'm back to square one.

I wish you didn't come back anymore. I was doing fine without you near. You have become a memory that I cherished. Now your close I find it so hard to stop myself from hoping.

I trying to cut all ties that holds me back to you and your memory. Your kinda helping me by not acknowledging me, and I think you're doing it on purpose. That's good, but I wish you could tell me more directly. I don't know, maybe I'll confront you one last time. Or I will just continue burning bridges and move on and not look back without saying another word.

Either way I take, let me say it again. I love you, always have. With this, let me leave all that I feel right here and forget about it.