The World Turns Cold on my Birthday

It's at the start of the Simbang Gabi where the breeze turns cold for Christmas, and this year, on my birthday it was just a little bit colder. So we us three talked it out, almost a month ago on J's birthday, November 23, and all this time I don't understand. I don't understand their explanations and reasons. They cleared up some stuff, but in the end I don't understand it all.

Our talk cleared up the hurt J and I shared, the fact that they didn't tell us. They said they didn't because they knew how we'd feel and how we'll react, and so chose to wait for the 'right time'. That is, waited so long that eventually I found out first before they got the chance to tell me. Well, they waited till the world knew and it only became a matter time. That's what I don't understand. They only made the bad news exponentially worse, and I don't understand how they couldn't imagine how it hurts to hear it from some stranger instead of straight from your friends.

I couldn't understand the rest of their reasons. Maybe because I was angry, or I couldn't think straight because of the emotion of the moment. With regards to why they did, my best friend said something about her new 'culture' from Europe. You think that's an excuse? I couldn't remember exactly the rest of his reasons but all of it sounded shallow and weak to me.

Come to think of it, he was the one I should have talked to more. But it came down between me and my issues with her. So we talked, and I said all that I wanted to say, that is everything I have up to that point. And like my best friend, I didn't understand her. But it felt good getting all those stuff off my chest. The anger disappeared, but what I was left it was emptiness. Without the anger I finally felt the pain of what they did.

I talked with my parents about this whole story, and they each pointed out a thing I didn't see before. My mom said the couple felt worse than I did. I had to laugh, but she explained that they will never be completely happy together because their guilt will come between them. I had to admit, she may be right, and this is me being bitter; I do hope that's true.

Both of them, she and my best friend, both said this line, in consolation: "We understand how you feel."

You understand how I feel?

Have you loved someone so much that when you said you were willing to wait you were serious?

Have you felt how it is to miss someone that you haven't seen for months, having only the thought of her returning in the future to hold on to?

Do you know how it feels to wait for three years for someone you know is having fun with other guys?

How about to feel led on knowingly by that girl you have waited for years only for her to turn to your best friend who knows how you felt about that girl in the space of a month?

Trusting and baring your heart out to your best friend only for him to step on it as a matter of convenience to get to the one you love?

Looking like a fool to everyone you know because your best friend misled you?

How about feel betrayed and abandoned and stepped on by the two friends that were like your brother and sister?

How about feeling that all that happened because it was all your fault for loving, hanging on, trusting, hoping, in the first place?

No, you will never know how I feel.