Responsibility

I took the job because first, I wanted to give back to the organization that has become my family, and since no one was inclined to I saw the need for someone to step up to the position and so I did. I also saw it as an opportunity to learn something useful. And I took the job because I wanted to become more responsible.

I'm not a responsible guy, nor am I industrious or have rock solid discipline. I'm almost always late for everything, I put things off if possible, I don't do work if I know it won't kill me if I didn't. I accepted these things of me and even turned it into a lifestyle, the 'stress free-living' student life. I prefer to be the idea man, say something and let someone else do it. Like how my new idol the Street Strategist puts it, I'm a man of 'unlimited imagination but of limited talent'. I've always talked about not wanting to join the corporate world because it's too constricting and I want to live a life free of the drive for money. Well, I really do want not to spend my days working in a 6x8 cubicle, but also because I know I won't survive in the corporate world with all it's deadlines. Same reason why I know now that I won't survive in the Sciences; I just don't have the discipline for it. And that's why i fear taking a position of responsibility. I'm afraid I'd let people down.

And that's why I took the job. Because I know this time, I will be forced to become responsible. I would never want to let my friends down. I saw this as an opportunity to change myself before I enter the real world.

And now I'm here, I think I bit off more than I can chew. I ran for the position knowing nothing about it. I cited experience in my resume - bullshit, that's only 10% true. I did hold positions, but i did nothing in them. I would have loved to, for training and experience, but i never did (not of my own fault or choosing). So I took the job with zero knowledge - and if I only knew what I was getting myself into, I would have thought twice before volunteering. The sheer amount of paperwork and deadline screams the need for discipline and responsibility which I wanted to get doing the job in the first place. I've got myself in my own catch-22.

In fact I have so much non-experience that those people who don't have my job know more about it, including those younger than me (sophomores). I'm dumbfounded about how they know more about my job than me. I think even the assistant I got knows more than me.

I got a headache during plevsem hearing about all the plans, because all those plans means work for me. I'm the most irresponsible guy in the group and I'm holding the job with the most work. I'm amazed how I got myself in this stupid position.

And during that meeting I could feel the pressure piling. every project I hear being planned is another week's worth or more of paperwork, every project a need to get more sponsors. I could already feel the load of it all, taxing my sanity in the incoming year, and I haven't even factored in my academics yet. I was getting overwhelmed of it all that I almost lost it and shouted at the president when she told the group something I didn't know about which I should have. Stress, and peer pressure. I feel like I'm about to get hit by a truck.

Curiously though, even with the anticipated pressure I feel excited with the coming year. It feels like I'm switching from feeling overwhelmed at the amount of effort to make to feeling excited at the good I could do- like a mini manic-depressive cycle. i wonder if this is the rush people who thrive in pressure talk about, you know like doctors.

If it's a lesson in responsibility I wanted to learn, I'll be learning it the hard way. This year's gonna be a crash course in discipline for me. Oh what the hell was I thinking. Here's to a great incoming school year.

Summer Vacation Loser

I'm such a loser during summer vacation. Where my friends have been going to places like Rome, Singapore, Hong Kong, the US, Boracay, Puerto, or even just their provinces like Zambales or Batangas, the most exciting (and only, if not my trip to the local mall last monday) place I've been in the past 2 weeks of vacation has been the cemetery.

Sleep can only kill so many hours of the day, and so as not to go insane of boredom in the times where I'm not eating, watching the TV, playing video games or sleeping, I've resorted to reread my DS subject readings. Yes! I'm not joking. I'm shifting through pages of course readings - during summer vacation. At least I'm comforted by the thought of doing something productive. I've reread and finally understood our first ever article which I didn't finish and read another one which I didn't read at all. Well, better late than never. Also trying to read the articles we didn't take up. There's actually some pretty good stuff there. I also have the His Dark Materials Trilogy of novels I've wanted to read since watching the Golden Compass but weirdly I've been putting of reading it. just another in the long list of summer readings I want to accomplish.

While we are in the topic of summer, I've got to watching the new Terminator series on C/S and AXN, and I'm excited to see one of my favorite actresses again on TV. Summer Glau beats Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Terminator any day. Kristanna Loken, eat your heart out.

Thoughts of an idealistic Development Studies undergrad

Rice shortage crisis, NBN-ZTE controversy, Sumilao land case, extra-judicial killings, political killings, Spratly's dealings, 4 Trillion peso debt, greedy government officials with their own agendas, fertilizer fund scam, convicted plunderer getting pardon, convicted plunderer on-stage an anti-corruption rally, convicted plunderer having a realistic chance of running again as president; motions for impeachment, coup de etat attempts, mutineer getting elected as a senator, actors as politicians; food prices rising, fastfood items cost rising, oil prices rising, transportation fare rising, electricity costs rising, +20% of the population living under $1 a day; overcrowded classrooms, lack of public school teachers, inadequate school supplies, inaccurate textbooks, 67 of 100 primary school students graduate, of that 45 finish high school, 26 enter and 7 students finish college; OVERPOPULATION, overflowing landfills, overfishing, massive deforestation, deadly air pollution, pollution of water sources, disease outbreaks, climate change impacts; Bishops meddling in politics, use of the mass as a political tool, church refusal on population control issue; distrust on the police, police abusing their power, a legal Communist party, a legal communist party with an armed insurgent group, an insurgent problem as old as my dad, unending military conflict in the south; a generally apathetic youth, concerned only in finding a nice job, preferably overseas...
























The Philippines is going to hell before I even graduate...

Fool's Day

Yep, today is the perfect day for me to resume blogging. It's time to stop being foolish and get my life back on track. You see, for the past 2 months I've been Lazy - capital "L" because it's not the normal kind of laziness. I felt like I was depressed - without the emo-sadness, just the lack of motivation to do anything. I haven't even blogged, and that's not because my life has been uneventful. See that; my last post has been at the start of February about a joke music survey when I've spent Valentines Day alone, did my long-delayed electronic waste drive project, swiped 5-pounds worth of freebie reading materials from World Bank and Asian Development Bank, got showered by ashes watching a fireworks display in San Beda after parading around the Malacanang area for 3 hours, watched the foolishness that is the House of Representatives in person, became bartender for a night, became inducted as the new ESS Finance officer, survived swimming class, hopped through 14 different churches in a single day, finished the second year of my College life and so many more. I didn't write anything down because I lost my driving force, my enthusiasm, my inspiration or whatever you called it. I wanted to express my thoughts, but I couldn't get myself to do it. Pure laziness. I couldn't even care less about school anymore, which was foolish because it left me in a bad situation in some of my classes grade-wise. I have a stack of books I've wanted to read and I haven't touched one yet. My religiosity even waned. All that was in my mind was watching anime and playing DotA. Foolishness I tell you.

Well, that phase ends today. I'm forcing myself to breakout of this foolish Lazy-motivationally-depressed state, and the first step is this: forcing myself to write this new blogpost, and I tell you that took some intense self-talk before I got my butt in front of my computer and start typing. I've got so many things that I want to do, so many things in my mind and so many things I want to say. And it all starts with this post.