Responsibility

I took the job because first, I wanted to give back to the organization that has become my family, and since no one was inclined to I saw the need for someone to step up to the position and so I did. I also saw it as an opportunity to learn something useful. And I took the job because I wanted to become more responsible.

I'm not a responsible guy, nor am I industrious or have rock solid discipline. I'm almost always late for everything, I put things off if possible, I don't do work if I know it won't kill me if I didn't. I accepted these things of me and even turned it into a lifestyle, the 'stress free-living' student life. I prefer to be the idea man, say something and let someone else do it. Like how my new idol the Street Strategist puts it, I'm a man of 'unlimited imagination but of limited talent'. I've always talked about not wanting to join the corporate world because it's too constricting and I want to live a life free of the drive for money. Well, I really do want not to spend my days working in a 6x8 cubicle, but also because I know I won't survive in the corporate world with all it's deadlines. Same reason why I know now that I won't survive in the Sciences; I just don't have the discipline for it. And that's why i fear taking a position of responsibility. I'm afraid I'd let people down.

And that's why I took the job. Because I know this time, I will be forced to become responsible. I would never want to let my friends down. I saw this as an opportunity to change myself before I enter the real world.

And now I'm here, I think I bit off more than I can chew. I ran for the position knowing nothing about it. I cited experience in my resume - bullshit, that's only 10% true. I did hold positions, but i did nothing in them. I would have loved to, for training and experience, but i never did (not of my own fault or choosing). So I took the job with zero knowledge - and if I only knew what I was getting myself into, I would have thought twice before volunteering. The sheer amount of paperwork and deadline screams the need for discipline and responsibility which I wanted to get doing the job in the first place. I've got myself in my own catch-22.

In fact I have so much non-experience that those people who don't have my job know more about it, including those younger than me (sophomores). I'm dumbfounded about how they know more about my job than me. I think even the assistant I got knows more than me.

I got a headache during plevsem hearing about all the plans, because all those plans means work for me. I'm the most irresponsible guy in the group and I'm holding the job with the most work. I'm amazed how I got myself in this stupid position.

And during that meeting I could feel the pressure piling. every project I hear being planned is another week's worth or more of paperwork, every project a need to get more sponsors. I could already feel the load of it all, taxing my sanity in the incoming year, and I haven't even factored in my academics yet. I was getting overwhelmed of it all that I almost lost it and shouted at the president when she told the group something I didn't know about which I should have. Stress, and peer pressure. I feel like I'm about to get hit by a truck.

Curiously though, even with the anticipated pressure I feel excited with the coming year. It feels like I'm switching from feeling overwhelmed at the amount of effort to make to feeling excited at the good I could do- like a mini manic-depressive cycle. i wonder if this is the rush people who thrive in pressure talk about, you know like doctors.

If it's a lesson in responsibility I wanted to learn, I'll be learning it the hard way. This year's gonna be a crash course in discipline for me. Oh what the hell was I thinking. Here's to a great incoming school year.