Things I'll leave unsaid, for now...or forever

The girl of my dreams is back, and she's driving me crazy once more. 2 years after she left, I've tried my best to move on, and I did, to a certain degree. I've been living my college life to the fullest I could, and the best analogy I could think of to explain that is that my life has been like my favorite cake, the best, and she is like the icing - I could live without it, but the cake would be incomplete. But here I am, the hopeless romantic, the naive boy who still believes that love conquers all and that the stars will bring you back to each other; kept a persistent hope in the face of relentless doubt that one day we will be together again, a tiny tiny annoying thorn in the back of my head. I tried my best to forget about it, to smother it with practicality and stone cold reality, but it just won't go away. I can say a part of me did move on; time can do that for you. Out of sight, out of mind. But now that she's back, she brought with her all the memories and thoughts and hope I've learned to suppress all this years .

Now the part of me that clung to hope is daring me to hope, fighting against the part of me that accepted reality and moved on, that wants to move on. And there is also the part of me that remembers the promise I made two years ago. I'm being pulled in different directions, and all that it's making me is weary. Confused and weary because I don't really know how I would feel. Do I still hope, or will I turn my back on her and go forward?

I can ignore her, that's easy. I could just live my college life like I did the past two years. We have different schedules, I have responsibilities - it's very easy to lose myself in my work now. But I do want to be with her. i want to keep her company, but also I'm telling her to find her blockmates and stick with them so that she can have new friends to hang out with. ARRGHHH!! I'm just so confused.

And here - the girl of my dreams is ridiculously out of my league. She's rich, I'm not. I've been to Bataan and Batangas, she's been to Berlin and Bern. I haven't left Luzon, she has been to most of Europe. I've wanted to learn how to speak French, she can. She missed her first day at school and yet she still aced the quiz on chemistry. Her parents will allow her current boyfriend to stay at her house during vacation, they're surprised I'm even still in Ateneo (now that one hurts). But it's exactly all these things and everything else that I love about her.

Now she's back, she's filling up my every waking thought again. she's my biggest distraction, and also my inspiration. Whenever I'm with her, it's as if all the world just falls away and all I can feel and think about is her and that I'm happy. Just that. I'm happy. I've never felt like that with someone else.

She doesn't know the power she has over me. I'm willing to go out of my way to do something for her. I was running errands for her here when she was in Europe during Valentines day. I walked her home at midnight and walked home alone in the dark streets alone after that. I'm willing to get up early in the morning just to accompany her in school (if you know me you would know how important sleep to me is). I even kept that promise I made to her before she left. I waited.

She knows that I still love her. She can tell it from the way I look at her. The annoying thing is she acts like...the way she acted when we were together, giving me that look that makes me fall every time. Believe me or not, but I've thought of her every single day for the last two years. But this, along with everything else I'll leave unsaid.