Problems

Since it appears that I'll have a legitimate change at landing a writing position, I should really make it a point to continue my practice of writing, at the very least every other day.

Of course, this writing job at the Foundation is not my first choice. I would love to get inside zedpi rather than the foundation because I am experiencing office work now at A-Sog and it is not really the type of thing I would like to do for long. The idea of staying in a cubicle or room day after day typing stuff into the computer is frankly almost my idea of hell. Zedpi is so far the closest thing I could think of the perfect job within reasonable reach.

Of course, if the opportunity presented itself I wouldn't be able to gamble it for a chance to get to zedpi; that is just unwise. If both are lost then I will be forced to rely on an equally unsure back-up plan of ensuring that I get hired in A-Sog. So it looks like I will have to prepare for the first real job interview of my life, to be able to ensure that I have a full-hearted chance of landing the job at the foundation and just hope that if I don't get it i will have a chance of getting in a job with a lot of fieldwork which I would love more. Talk about a class A problem. Having a lot of good options is just as stressful as having no options at all.

Since I am talking about problems, I might as well take this chance to put to writing the one problem that has stuck to me all this years like crazy glue. I've been bottling up all this negative feelings that i don't know how to get rid off. I'm stuck between deciding whether to bring it up, or just continue my isolationist policy.

if I do bring it up, how should I say it? What do I actually want? I would say that I really miss the friends that hurt me. I miss them so much it hurts, but then I still feel that all is not resolved since the last time so putting up a mask where I am still hurt just by seeing them is equally bad if not worse. It's the hedgehogs dilemma; I couldn't get close without getting hurt, but I am hurting as well from the distance.

I would say that I wish for the past back where we could hang-out like normal, but in this situation it is impossible. They are together, which means any attempt I do will most likely end up as me being a third wheel - that is , if by some miracle they are actually free.

I would say that I miss talking to her, but then I get the feeling that she thinks of me as a bother anyway so if I try to put things back it will be just a sad attempt. Any thing try will just be another sad thing.

All this, because all this years and heartbreaks, I still feel the same way, and so all my actions are undeniable colored by some complex emotion. So what do I want to do exactly? Regain old friendships? Is it possible? Do they actually care? i guess, given the next opportunity, I would take it to tell her this, and try to unburden myself with all this negativity

Hay. Anyway, I have other important things to thing about, other things that make me happy. Let's start with preparing for that job interview tomorrow.