21

Yeah so 30 minutes ago was my birthday. Nothing major, went to mass at my school chapel, spent the day with 2 close friends, treated myself to some me-mw time and had a pleasant dinner with my parents at home. For some reason, though tradition or social media portrays it, I don't feel any big deal about turning 21. Actually, I don't feel anything special about today. The whole run-up to my birthday this year, I wasn't excited or anything. I almost feel pressured to make as much a big deal of it as others who know about it are.

Maybe it's the lack of structure, like in school I can compare and track the dates leading to my birthday. Or maybe it's the depressing feeling of being useless unemployed bum that's sapping my enthusiasm. I'm leaning on the second one. My friend told me the same feeling got to her before she got the job, and she's right. It does get to you.

Nayway, since Operation Writers Block stalled because of my internship and subsequent bummery, and now being tied-down by an assignment in transcription that I am now regretting, I haven't written a while. I have actually started writing some things but haven't gotten around to finishing them yet. Now it's the pressure of delivering the transcript that is so mind-numbing to finish thats hindering me. I'll call it quits after this second one. I've had it with listening to recordings.

Regarding my social experiment that is to wipe my birthdate information from FB to see if anyone will remember at all, I'm surprised that less people greeted me than I expected. More over, minus my 2 friends who I hanged out with and a close guy friend, the greetings I got came from the people I didn't expect them from. An ES friend, my partner that I'm ashamed to say I ditched in CO, and my tita. And that's it. I'm actually surprised, and a little bit hurt actually. Only these people remembered my birthday- though don't get me wrong it warms my heart to receive greetings from them. All the rest of my friends, including the ones I really thought would, didn't remember it without the help of FB. Eh but screw that. At least I know that she still remembered, and that is enough for me today.

Thank you God, for my 21 years, of being alive and being so blessed, for my friends, my family, everyone I know, and everyone I love.

Problems

Since it appears that I'll have a legitimate change at landing a writing position, I should really make it a point to continue my practice of writing, at the very least every other day.

Of course, this writing job at the Foundation is not my first choice. I would love to get inside zedpi rather than the foundation because I am experiencing office work now at A-Sog and it is not really the type of thing I would like to do for long. The idea of staying in a cubicle or room day after day typing stuff into the computer is frankly almost my idea of hell. Zedpi is so far the closest thing I could think of the perfect job within reasonable reach.

Of course, if the opportunity presented itself I wouldn't be able to gamble it for a chance to get to zedpi; that is just unwise. If both are lost then I will be forced to rely on an equally unsure back-up plan of ensuring that I get hired in A-Sog. So it looks like I will have to prepare for the first real job interview of my life, to be able to ensure that I have a full-hearted chance of landing the job at the foundation and just hope that if I don't get it i will have a chance of getting in a job with a lot of fieldwork which I would love more. Talk about a class A problem. Having a lot of good options is just as stressful as having no options at all.

Since I am talking about problems, I might as well take this chance to put to writing the one problem that has stuck to me all this years like crazy glue. I've been bottling up all this negative feelings that i don't know how to get rid off. I'm stuck between deciding whether to bring it up, or just continue my isolationist policy.

if I do bring it up, how should I say it? What do I actually want? I would say that I really miss the friends that hurt me. I miss them so much it hurts, but then I still feel that all is not resolved since the last time so putting up a mask where I am still hurt just by seeing them is equally bad if not worse. It's the hedgehogs dilemma; I couldn't get close without getting hurt, but I am hurting as well from the distance.

I would say that I wish for the past back where we could hang-out like normal, but in this situation it is impossible. They are together, which means any attempt I do will most likely end up as me being a third wheel - that is , if by some miracle they are actually free.

I would say that I miss talking to her, but then I get the feeling that she thinks of me as a bother anyway so if I try to put things back it will be just a sad attempt. Any thing try will just be another sad thing.

All this, because all this years and heartbreaks, I still feel the same way, and so all my actions are undeniable colored by some complex emotion. So what do I want to do exactly? Regain old friendships? Is it possible? Do they actually care? i guess, given the next opportunity, I would take it to tell her this, and try to unburden myself with all this negativity

Hay. Anyway, I have other important things to thing about, other things that make me happy. Let's start with preparing for that job interview tomorrow.

OWB Low Battery

So I've come upon another creative, life-energy, mental dry spell that I can't even think of the next sentence I will write after this upon. It's ridiculous. Well I know it will end eventually but what should I do until then? I can't tap a well that has gone dry, I have to wait for the stream of consciousness to flow again naturally. I haven't discovered a way to break out of this phase yet.

nothing. Nada. Zilch. All I could think of doing now is just keep reading, and hopefully that can spark some kind of reaction in my mind. Brings me to a thought though about having professional help. R has the luxury, time and money to take seminars and classes that is improving his craft. Mine is basically a self-help thing. Should I edit and polish my past pieces or should I leave them as is as a markers of my improvement? Hmm.. haven't really thought about it. I guess I'll just try making better new ones. But again, the problem here is that i have nothing to write about. Low battery, a situation where my mind is silent and I have no idea of how to jump-starting it back up.

Motivation

This is actually the difficult aspect of writing, that is, finding the motivation that will compel me to do so. So far I've only written when it comes naturally, because that means I've got a good handle on how to write it, what's the purpose and a good angle for it. If not, I will struggle to put into words my abstract thoughts and it is difficult. I should work on this next - forcing a free write on something more serious, because well these last 3 posts are techincally forced free writes.I have enough ideas keeping me annoyingly awake at night these past few days, half-baked concepts and unfinished paragrapgh constructions about the road not taken, being normal and opinion writing that given any idle time my mind will race through the topic until it hits a brick wall. I'm basically mental blogging the entire day. I wish that there comes a technology that can translate thought to text someday. Or I should just carry a recorder around. It's either that, or I'm entering another meh phase.

RiB

Yeah so I watched Rhytmn in Blue last night. I didn't know it was that big an event. I've basically ignored it my entire college life since it's about dance. Perhaps also since there was no influence around me then would have dragged us or at least made me curious enough to watch it.

I was surprised at how good the other orgs are. I was expecting simple dance routines since these are basically ad hoc danced teams that the different orgs put together for the contest. But their choreography was actually at a competititve level - so good in fact that even orgs that you wouldn't expect to have a group of talented dancers like BoX or AMS (sorry for the stereotype) actually out performed even CADs. Well, CADs' numbers were boring.

Of course the reason we went there was to support Ann, and so we waited eagerly for their group to come on stage. And she was amazing, especially since she says it's her first time. She seemed like a natural, and they even flipped her around. Not many first timers you'd expect who are willing to do that.

I should remember to bring my camera. At least thanks to Ann, I managed to see an event that is actually amazing that I've missed my whole college life, so I'm thankful for that. It reminded me why Ateneans are the cream of the crop, and why I love my school. Cmon, even our Math geeks (sorry haha) can tear up a dance floor. Give Ateneans a flat stage, and they will show you that they can compete at anything, and win.

OWB: Writing Rules

Like the many lists of rules I've managed to come with these past few years, I'm laying one down for my writing.

Rule #1: Write it down immediately. This goes for both snippets of thoughts randomly conjured (the purpose of the free-notes notebook) and blogging about a new experience. Since it has happened 3 nights ago the excitement of Saturday's Nitro night are starting to wear off, and hence the accompanying motivation to write about it and possibly any creative juice I could squeeze into writing it as well. So the next time I come across a new experience, I'll set a date with a drafting board.

Rule #2: Read, read, read. This comes naturally to me that I don't even have to say it to myself, but what I'll be doing is laying down some corollary rules. Like what type of stuff to read. Instead of spending my time playing Civilizations (thank God the last obsession ended with the realization that my current empire sucks), I will read the newspaper more. Maybe not the entertainment sections, but more of those articles that needed writing talent in it's creation. Opinions and essays. I just saw bloggers' collection of other blogs, and I'll make it a point to browse through those as well. Read more, watch less. Lessen distractions and other stuff that can add noise to my already noisy mind.

Rule #3: Proofread! Careless mistakes and run-on sentences are always present in my writing. I will be more conscientious in my writing that I will edit it. Since most of my blogs are basically just draft qualities, I could probably let slip fixing sentence constructions. But I shall at least give them a once over and correct typos. For more serious pieces I shall proofread them more. At least in terms of typos, I should be perfect.

Perhaps I should make a tier of my writing qualities, like draft-quality blogposts such as these, then medium-quality narrative posts for experiences that will require more editing, and portfolio-level essays that will need serious editing and polishing. Yeah, I think I will do that.

With that the foundations of my rules for writing are established. Tomorrow perhaps I could practice my narrative blogging after watching RiB. The past few days have been boring, with the only ray of sunshine being Kits starting to reply once again with an equal casting of a shadow with the start of waiting for A-SoG's reply to my application for internship.

When i get a column of my own some day, I'll name it Past Midnight, because apparently my writing happens after 12mn.