Crisis of Conscience

To stay or to stop CO: that is the question. The past few days I have been tortured by this choice. I have explored all foreseeable consequences, all my motivations, all my reservations and opinions, broken through all my excuses and rationalizations to arrive at the shameful origin of my dilemma and yet I haven’t gotten any closer to arriving at a decision. Thinking about this is agonizing enough that I have started drinking again just to calm myself down.

My excuse at first was that I wouldn’t want to fight with my parents over having to stay in the area being that they don’t like the idea. Now that they told me they’d support me with anything, I found myself suddenly asking if, indeed in the first place, I want to. The problem with me is not just staying in the area, which was simple enough, but actually having to live there for an extended period of time. Suddenly demand of having to leave my comforts, my middle-class life which was starting to and supposed to be trending up, became unreasonable.

The shallow shameful selfish reason

I mean, I love the work, I love helping the people fight for what we believe is just, I love being part of a cause that is bigger than me, but why do I have to sacrifice my comfortable life for it? Why can’t I stay where I am, doing what I do now? Why do I have to go the extra mile and leave my comforts to experience what the people in our communities are experiencing? Isn’t it enough that we understand their plight by seeing it and working with them all day?

Of course there is the answer that it is part of the training, that it is a necessary part of Integration and Social Investigation, to see for ourselves. I’ll give them that, but that for me is the extra mile. For me our integration with the community is enough for us to work effectively within the community.

Having to live in the area to me is leaving all the comforts I’ve come to be accustomed to. I said I have no problem dealing with it, and I have experienced it before so I knew I could, but having to actually ‘live’ like that and not just experience it once in a while, scared me. This is me, the middle-class, who found that the idea of leaving behind my comfortable life terrifying and unnecessary.

Am I ashamed of having come to this realization? Of course I am. But I believe I’ve come to the origin of my current reservations about continuing with the training. It is as selfish a reason as it could get. I ask, why should I go there, when I can still help somehow, but without sacrificing my life, my luxuries? I found myself suddenly hesitant to go that far.

The other reasons

This demand of the program I guess was the tipping point that prompted me to reconsider about continuing. Our group has raised other opinions, concerns and issues regarding the direction we’re taking.

CO is not for us. I think my batchmates and I have reached this consensus pretty early on. We discovered the qualities of organizers, the type of work and demands are incompatible with who we are. For me, the qualities required to be a good CO are a clash with my personality. I find it difficult to push myself to talk randomly with other people. The confrontational aspect of issue-based methodology is another factor. Agitating people, having that fighting attitude, the necessity of inciting conflict confrontation is anathema to a person who prefers to be inconspicuous.

I say I wish that they made it clear that the life of a CO is irregular work hours, irregular work days, that the methodology requires us to pick a fight with authority. When we joined community organizing was pretty simple and straightforward. It’s only lately that I grasped the real meaning of it. That said I would have most probably joined anyway just to try it out.

The work by itself, despite the personality clash, like Abby said, we could do, but the life is a different story. Unfortunately, the CO work and life is the same. I think I’m not ready for this level of commitment and to forego my current life.

The thing here is, if we already have these doubts, somewhere down the line this could develop into unhappiness of our current situation. If we continue and in the end we discovered that we didn’t our decision our regret might turn to resentment, that we will be doing our work half-heartedly and we’ll be dragging ourselves to the area. We might get cranky about simple things. I might start getting drunk in the area just to feel better. Hell I already started drinking.

Reasons to stay

I told ma’am France that our 6-month no-commitment training already puts us in a bad position from the beginning. By then we have grown attached to the people, the area, the cause, our workplace, and to say goodbye to that by our personal decision is difficult. Francis was in the area only 2 weeks and people were already looking for him. Now that we are contemplating leaving half-way we already find ourselves in this difficult position. We cannot just walk away now from the people who we have grown close and have already come to expect something of us. They might grow cynical of people like us who say we want to help but then leave. That is my biggest consideration, it’s not just a personal decision, they are too many people that will get affected by it.

Besides what will they say if we suddenly leave? They’ll think badly of not just us. The reputation of Ateneo will be tarnished. They’ll say ateneans are too weak. Our mentors will look down upon DS students. Sir Leland will skin us alive. Our personal involvement has become too deep that we’ll be damaging relationships when we pull out.

Personally though I love the work, or at least the concept, if not the actual way we go about it. Our PO s are initiating what seems to be a large scale change soon that might benefit a lot of people that I would love to be part of. There is also the environmental aspect of our organization’s work. The erratic nature of my work; the irregular hours, the ever shifting schedules is fun in it’s dynamicity but I must admit it is starting to take its toll. Maybe at this point in my life I want structure and as sense of normalcy more.

The balance of judgment

Simply put our decision is this: go, in order to look out for ourselves because of the seemingly selfish thought that we could be happier doing something else, or stay since we have already made commitments not only to the program but to a lot of people we have come to know.

The crisis of conscience here is that if we go, we’ll be carrying with us the burden of the guilt that we cannot go beyond ourselves, sacrifice our own happiness and have to say goodbye, to all the people we have made connections to.

If we stay and we become unhappy, we’ll be wasting out trainors time and resources doing something half-heartedly, with us having to drag ourselves to do something that we don’t like.

The options

In the course of writing the above paragraphs I have surpassed the surge of emotion that left me writhing in agony about this decision. I thank God that I finally got the sign; I should stay, if only to honor the commitment I made to the program, to not abandon the people so suddenly without a better excuse than my selfish one.

At least this has calmed me down from my torturous dilemma, but when I approached ma’am France about this she threw another curve ball. If we will continue the program and complete the 6-months, TriCorps will be expecting us to stay longer, understandably because by then theoretically they would have invested resources for us to become “real” COs. However, coming from my painful decision making and coming up with the best compromise, taking to account the stuff Sir Leland that I learned from Mon, of us staying and managing our best to work through the last 3 months, we will be taking full advantage of the 6-month escape clause Sir Leland has worked in for us. My argument is that if we already have our doubts as of now, the best we could do is finish our commitment but barring any sudden change in our personal outlook that’s the best we could offer.

The thing here is the investment problem posed by Ms. Jane. Mon, after expressing her doubts, learned of Ms. Jane’s opinion that it is best for both of them if Mon will discontinue the program because it ill not be worth her time and resources to train someone who won’t be fully committed.

Now my plan is pose the same argument to the panel. If TriCorp will expect us to stay but we are adamant that we won’t, and as of now we have already our reservations, will it still be prudent to continue the program? I have just effectively threw the ball in their court. I will have expressed my willingness to work through the rest of my three months, but if I am to leave, which I kinda like to anyway, it will come from their decision, or at least a mutual one. Sneaky? Perhaps.

My first question is if they could find us something else to do, because we would love to continue the work we have already started but not as CO s. If that is really nonnegotiable then, like Mon ,I will continue to help as a volunteer on my own expense and on my own time, without the intent of the training, until I find a different job and I don’t have the time anymore. That’s the best option I could think of.

If I think about it Sir Leland will still push me to go through the program. The argument will be if I would want to help anyway why not just do it as the Trainee CO. My counter would be I would be bound by the requirements of the training and that is the part I don’t like. Other than it would just be an appeal to save face.

But I think now I have already made peace with my decision to stay. I have set my mind to do whatever it is asked of me on my training for the next 3 months. Personally, I love to stop right here, but then, I have made too many commitments, and by principle I have said that I would honor any promise I made.

Despicable me

Negative groundworking? Though it is not my express intent to sow seeds of dissent among my other CO-lleagues I may already infecting them with the idea of their dissatisfaction. As I explore and uncover that they have that spark of doubt and hesitation within them I am already giving it air so that it could start to burn. I articulate their unspoken reservations and give it power to take hold. At the same time, and I will admit this mostly conscious, I will be giving the panel the idea that it is indeed better to let us go already. I’ll be leveraging passions against each other so that the burden of decision will not fall on my shoulders with my loaded arguments. How to load them effectively, now that is another thing….

Ann’s random story.

Ann telling me a random story at Jun’s b-day got me thinking. What was that about? It’s the subject; it wasn’t something you’d just casually blurt out. Was it some sort of hint or signal? Is there more to it or am I just over thinking? Was it really just a ‘random’ story?

I like AnN, but I haven’t thought about seriously doing something about it. Plan AnN doesn’t go further than intelligence gathering. Integration was successful (haha, use of CO terms concepts begin) was successful during finals week, and after some investigating all I got was that she’s not into relationships or even a hint of wanting one, nor notion of teenage romance; basically, all I sense is this wall. The tentative plan therefore was unchanged: continue casual chats and probing questions at every possible opportunity to see if there are any chinks in that wall or if there is any hint of her responding whilst trying to become closer as friends.

Haven’t been able to see her often this past couple months, but then in Shakeys I managed to talk to her again. It was just small talk, but then she suddenly shared this random story of hers.

It was inconsequential and unnecessary, but the topic only made it curious. It was the type of story that’s significant for you and won’t share unless you want to tell someone else about it as a form of catharsis, in which case it means you are close and trusted enough to be confided with a personal story, or if not, it’s not worth sharing because the other person wouldn‘t understand.

Too bad events cut our talk short and I wasn‘t able to explore more what’s behind the story. But it started troubling me. Was this a sign that she thinks we’re already close enough for her to be able to confide this random personal story of hers? Is she hinting that she really doesn’t entertain thoughts of getting into a relationship even if she likes the guy meaning I have a bug’s chance against a windshield of ever getting anywhere with her? Or in the end, is it really just a random story?

Argh. Girls and their mind games. Next time, groundwork.

What did I get myself into?

Yesterday was the official start of our 6-month training program as community organizers, and this was the question I was asking myself while I listened to the stories of the veteran organizers that shared to us their first days on the job.

From how they describe it being a community organizer is not an ordinary job. I think the word insidious describes it best. The experienced organizers told us how they go into the urban poor communities and infiltrate them by scouting the layout of the area, making small talk here, randomly chatting up people there, hanging out at the spots where people come together, even going as far as going house to house to strike up a conversation anyway they can. They fabricate identities and establish cover stories so as to be able to talk to people and get them to lower their guard. Their purpose is to try to get a ‘feel’ for the situation of the community by how the residents tell it and to hopefully eventually gain their trust as well. They’ll get known one way or the other; as the friendly newcomer or the overly curious person who people suspect is an NBI asset or drug dealer - but the point is, the people will get to know them and trust them. And then like agents provocateur the locals realize there is something more to these newcomers when finally their covers are blown and they start their work as organizers.

We were all laughing nervously. All the veterans said the same thing: “make 25 contacts a day” and the thought of going us through the same thing daunted us. It even goes against common sense - one would think of approaching barangay officials first if your task is to know the community but no, they purposely don't go to them. Can you imagine what that is like? Going to an area you know nothing about, casually walking up to a stranger and chatting them up, and you have to get to know at least 25 people a day? We sure can’t. I can’t. My policy in life is to remain inconspicuous, to be quiet, to be an observer. No unnecessary interaction. If I will just get to be with a person only for a while I won’t bother establishing a relationship. No attachments, easy to let go. I’m also introverted.

Besides, I don’t wanna lie. Well, not lie to people I don’t know. Making cover stories, fabricating identities doesn’t sit well for me. Starting of relationships by deception doesn’t sound right. Well at least, when we thought about it, we won’t go through that same method. The veterans will already be established in the area and we could introduce ourselves as their trainees. But the thought of what the first-time organizers did still amazes me.

A Blue Rose for…

Ok so the Blue Rose is an actual rose, given during the Blue Roast event as a way for seniors to express their hidden feelings, whatever form or degree it may be, to a certain someone. The rose maybe given to the guy or girl someone had a crush on since 1st year but never had the chance to talk to. A friend who never had a clue you felt that way. Whatever the example and no matter what Mon says, it is understood to have a romantic meaning to it, more or less. It is the chance to say something and avoid regret.

I didn’t give my Blue rose to anyone. And its not because there are no special girls during my college life. On the contrary, there are many that I want to give one to, but since I can’t give them all one - and I bet you’ll think it’s stupid - I thought it best not to give to anyone.

They are the ones who at some point in college I had a crush on. But even then that term doesn’t quite explain it all. I had feelings for them yes, in whatever form, for one reason or another I didn’t choose to do anything about it. I chose to keep them as friends. Regrets? I'll have to wait a few years to find out.

So if I had the chance, I would love to have given a blue rose to the girl who kept me company early morning before class for a year.

One to the girl I met on the beach, and the one I was with when I saw my first shooting star.

Certainly a rose to the only girl who can make me stop in awe whenever I see her, though I never got to talk to her.

Of course I would give one to the only girl who I admitted I feelings to.

One to the girl I stayed awake with waiting for the sunrise, and another to the girl I talked and walked with on a dark street one cold windy night

And perhaps too to the girl I danced with on a rooftop while the sun was setting

to the girl who I walked with in a garden as all the lights went out.

One to the girl I gave my heart to, even though she broke it.






Whoever these girls end up with are some of the luckest bastards in the world

On the Brink of Graduation

So I haven't blogged about anything since Ketsana (yes, I like that name better). Chalk it up to lazyness for not writing anything down, but I did have alot of blog-worthy experiences that I could have reflected on that went by these past 6 months. There's the week to the death and funeral of J's mom, J's birthday, the decision to not got to pampanga that I regret, the useless HS alumni general assembly, doing my thesis, the uneventful Christmas season, the job fair, my fun trainwreck orals in theology, going through accounting class and getting a B for doing nothing and of course, what it's like to be a graduating college senior, with the future and all that.

At least of all those I was planning to make blogs about old friends and broken bridges, career planning and a special Blue rose post. And of those most probably I'll make the Blue rose one because it is the easiest. I guess I haven't written anything senior syndrome related because it hasn't sunken in yet that I'll be thrown volently in to the real world in a few weeks. That I'll be leaving the life I've just gotten around to getting used to. That 4 years of college is indeed over. That and I have plenty of distraction from anime to my friends occasional drama.

So what now dear blog? Where do I start writing again? I actually don't know. Well, let's see. It seems like I will have plenty of time in my hands for a while.