The World Turns Cold on my Birthday
It's at the start of the Simbang Gabi where the breeze turns cold for Christmas, and this year, on my birthday it was just a little bit colder. So we us three talked it out, almost a month ago on J's birthday, November 23, and all this time I don't understand. I don't understand their explanations and reasons. They cleared up some stuff, but in the end I don't understand it all.
Our talk cleared up the hurt J and I shared, the fact that they didn't tell us. They said they didn't because they knew how we'd feel and how we'll react, and so chose to wait for the 'right time'. That is, waited so long that eventually I found out first before they got the chance to tell me. Well, they waited till the world knew and it only became a matter time. That's what I don't understand. They only made the bad news exponentially worse, and I don't understand how they couldn't imagine how it hurts to hear it from some stranger instead of straight from your friends.
I couldn't understand the rest of their reasons. Maybe because I was angry, or I couldn't think straight because of the emotion of the moment. With regards to why they did, my best friend said something about her new 'culture' from Europe. You think that's an excuse? I couldn't remember exactly the rest of his reasons but all of it sounded shallow and weak to me.
Come to think of it, he was the one I should have talked to more. But it came down between me and my issues with her. So we talked, and I said all that I wanted to say, that is everything I have up to that point. And like my best friend, I didn't understand her. But it felt good getting all those stuff off my chest. The anger disappeared, but what I was left it was emptiness. Without the anger I finally felt the pain of what they did.
I talked with my parents about this whole story, and they each pointed out a thing I didn't see before. My mom said the couple felt worse than I did. I had to laugh, but she explained that they will never be completely happy together because their guilt will come between them. I had to admit, she may be right, and this is me being bitter; I do hope that's true.
Both of them, she and my best friend, both said this line, in consolation: "We understand how you feel."
You understand how I feel?
Have you loved someone so much that when you said you were willing to wait you were serious?
Have you felt how it is to miss someone that you haven't seen for months, having only the thought of her returning in the future to hold on to?
Do you know how it feels to wait for three years for someone you know is having fun with other guys?
How about to feel led on knowingly by that girl you have waited for years only for her to turn to your best friend who knows how you felt about that girl in the space of a month?
Trusting and baring your heart out to your best friend only for him to step on it as a matter of convenience to get to the one you love?
Looking like a fool to everyone you know because your best friend misled you?
How about feel betrayed and abandoned and stepped on by the two friends that were like your brother and sister?
How about feeling that all that happened because it was all your fault for loving, hanging on, trusting, hoping, in the first place?
No, you will never know how I feel.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The Twist
I guess I should write about this whole affair once and for all. The past two installments of this story I’ve rewritten to practically to forgive and forget about everything. But now the story has taken a weird twist. It’s not really about my best friend getting together with my ex-girlfriend. That by itself is alright with me. But it’s that considering my relationships and history with them, they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. Just shows how much they value me as a friend.
Background of the past 5 months. She came back June, and for that month and July I was glad because she was back and we were hanging out a lot. I escorted her around campus and went out with her to meet old friends, which included my best friend. Soon we three were hanging out, watching movies together. They’d always call me to join them in the mall or at her house after my classes. Then sometime in July I found myself waiting for their invites which never came. I chalked this up to them being busy, since she always is and he is a nurse-in-training. But soon I found out that they still were going out without me. I felt a little left out, but ignored it since they said that they just bump into each other in the mall, not as if they were forgetting about me. This was the month she changed.
Where in the first month she was the one texting me and asking me to help her and stuff, my contact with her suddenly disappeared. She stopped texting, and I didn’t see her for a month. I taught this was just her being engrossed in school, but then I learn that she and my best friend have still been going out during that time. What was I to think? I became angry because I suddenly felt that she was using me. Looking back I saw that all the things that involved me had a reason. She started text convos; she was bored. She asked me to accompany her home, I did. I was her campus guide until she met her blockmates. She was curiously affectionate one night; I learn that it was their monthsary (then Swiss bf). What, I was stand-in bf for the night because she was lonely? I got angry and I talked to my best friend about it. Well like a good best friend he agreed with what I said. He said that he also found it weird that they were hanging out without me, and in this regard he echoed some of my contempt of how she was acting. In this conversation too we talked about how he wanted to court our mutual friend, which we shall call J. J was 2 batches lower and was like a little sister to all of us, which presented the difficulty. J’s parent’s knew of our relationship and I guess disapproved his attempts and wanted them to remain friends. I think J feels the same way, or is just wary of the implications arising from taking their relationship to the next level. Back to my side of the story, later that week I confronted her about how I felt like I existed only if she needed something. In the ensuing drama she explained that I was making a big deal out of it, that it was complicated, that it was just normal, and that she was just really busy and that just because she wasn’t talking to me anymore doesn’t she was ignoring me or forgetting me. I let it go after hearing that from her. I realized there was indeed a reason for her every move on me, I just made the mistake of thinking that it was conscious and intentional.
A month went by where I tried to make it normal again while respecting her busy nature by not imposing too much. But it was becoming apparent that she was avoiding me. She doesn’t receive any of my messages for a week but when she starts and I reply and there’s no problem. Then one night I come home and see them together from one of their mall trips*. She was too busy to talk to me but apparently not busy to go out with my best friend who’s studying nursing? I got pissed off again. Same thought. She, no they, were disregarding me. I came home ranting, and my parents tried to calm me down by, of all things, saying that’s it’s ok. They might have a relationship already. I found the idea preposterous. I told them it’s impossible, I know who my best friend likes (that’ll be J ) and if it indeed it was true, they’re my friends and they would have told me. The idea did come into my mind for a second but I dismissed it immediately. Next day I came home and got a trike ride beside one of the guys me and my best friend used to play with in the local pub who knew me, but who’s name escapes me. We passed by her house and this guy asked me if the girl who lives there is my best friend’s girlfriend, because he saw them together. I told him the same thing I told my parents, but that time I thought that it was indeed true. I still thought that if it was, they would have told me.
Few days later, I met J and she told me if ‘I knew’. Then I knew. They were together indeed. Surprisingly I wasn’t angry, nor was I heartbroken. It was more of indifference. Contempt that they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. J said that both of them didn’t know how to tell both of us because they knew how we would react. They had been a couple going on 3 weeks. That means they were already together went I went to my best friend’s house and talked him about why she texted all of a sudden that night and echoed my irk that she never texts unless she needs something. And that night when I bumped into them after their trip to the mall*. I guess they told J because they knew she would tell me so they wouldn‘t have to do it themselves.
My best friend is one of the few people who knew how I felt. He was one that I was comfortable to open up and tell exactly how I felt about her. I seriously never saw it coming. I thought they were just friends hanging out, and I trusted him to take care of her and I was ok with that. Discounting the notion that as a best friend you don’t get together with the girl your friend has feelings for even though she is his ex-girlfriend as a concept that doesn’t exist in Philippine culture, at least as a friend he would have told me something was happening instead of just riding on whatever I say to him regarding what I thought of her. He was agreeing with me even if something was already going on between them. What the hell.
She knew too how I felt about her. She told me that nothing was wrong, that she wasn’t purposely ignoring me and that both of them weren’t forgetting about me, and that them hanging out without me was just a matter of coincidence and whatever twist of circumstance and that was just normal. She said she was busy and that she didn’t receive my messages. Bare-faced lies.
I’m angry because both of them played me a fool all this months. They strung me along, pretended right to my face. I looked stupid in front them, in front of my friends, in front of my parents, even in front of J‘s parents. I asked her about the whole thing just a while ago. She said it was the complicated thing she told me about I talked to her about having a reason for everything having to do with me. It all makes sense now. There was a reason for avoiding me, and it was my best friend. And this just makes me all the more the fool for not seeing it. I’m angry because I was practically the last to know. I had to learn about this whole affair from a stranger, rather from them. Don’t I deserve to hear it from my ‘friends‘? Apparently not.
I never saw it coming because all this time I knew that my best friend still liked J and that he was intending to move. I know my best friend has a history of moving on girls two at a time or even when he is presently in a relationship. J told me that she was surprised because when he told her how long they’ve been going out, she remembers that during that time my best friend was still making the moves on her. I wonder if my best friend’s new girl friend knows about this.
She being the object of my naïve undying love for the past two years has been known by my friends who I have told my long love story too. And through the course of my numerous story telling I’ve encountered comments about her. “She is just using you”, “she probably had a guy already when she broke up with you”, “maybe she’s collecting boyfriends”. My answer to those were “she’s not like that” or “of course she won’t do that.” Her history speaks for itself - three bfs in a year with little or no time in between them. All these people have told me her less than desirable approach to men and relationships and I kinda knew it too, but I wouldn’t hear it. I even defended her. I put her on a pedestal and I didn’t want to believe these ugly comments, or I refused to see the truth. I can’t believe of all people, I would be one blinded by love.
I wonder if they knew the possible consequences of their actions, or if these consequences even exist, or if they cared. Of course they knew J and I would react in some way, or else they wouldn’t have hesitated, or in my case didn’t at all, to tell us. How I would act they wouldn’t know. Actually, even I don’t know how I will act. These are my closest friends, but I feel betrayed. Do you know how it will feel to be a third wheel to the girl you love and your best friend? It’s painfully awkward. I love them both, but what they did isn’t easily forgivable. In the possible debate of who is right I won’t have any supporters. All my high school friends are friends with both of them, and they’ll side with the couple. I’m tied to my HS friends through them, so if I alienate myself from them, I’ll be burning close to all the ties to my high school friends, save for a few. But, I can’t pretend that everything is alright for me. Frankly I’m tired of acting, and I’m tired of being made the fool. I’ve resolved to cut all my ties with them even if that means destroying our friendships and isolating myself from my high school friends, because to me, those two did it themselves. It’s not like they’ll miss me.
And so begins another melodramatic Christmas season. This is becoming an unholy pattern.
I guess I should write about this whole affair once and for all. The past two installments of this story I’ve rewritten to practically to forgive and forget about everything. But now the story has taken a weird twist. It’s not really about my best friend getting together with my ex-girlfriend. That by itself is alright with me. But it’s that considering my relationships and history with them, they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. Just shows how much they value me as a friend.
Background of the past 5 months. She came back June, and for that month and July I was glad because she was back and we were hanging out a lot. I escorted her around campus and went out with her to meet old friends, which included my best friend. Soon we three were hanging out, watching movies together. They’d always call me to join them in the mall or at her house after my classes. Then sometime in July I found myself waiting for their invites which never came. I chalked this up to them being busy, since she always is and he is a nurse-in-training. But soon I found out that they still were going out without me. I felt a little left out, but ignored it since they said that they just bump into each other in the mall, not as if they were forgetting about me. This was the month she changed.
Where in the first month she was the one texting me and asking me to help her and stuff, my contact with her suddenly disappeared. She stopped texting, and I didn’t see her for a month. I taught this was just her being engrossed in school, but then I learn that she and my best friend have still been going out during that time. What was I to think? I became angry because I suddenly felt that she was using me. Looking back I saw that all the things that involved me had a reason. She started text convos; she was bored. She asked me to accompany her home, I did. I was her campus guide until she met her blockmates. She was curiously affectionate one night; I learn that it was their monthsary (then Swiss bf). What, I was stand-in bf for the night because she was lonely? I got angry and I talked to my best friend about it. Well like a good best friend he agreed with what I said. He said that he also found it weird that they were hanging out without me, and in this regard he echoed some of my contempt of how she was acting. In this conversation too we talked about how he wanted to court our mutual friend, which we shall call J. J was 2 batches lower and was like a little sister to all of us, which presented the difficulty. J’s parent’s knew of our relationship and I guess disapproved his attempts and wanted them to remain friends. I think J feels the same way, or is just wary of the implications arising from taking their relationship to the next level. Back to my side of the story, later that week I confronted her about how I felt like I existed only if she needed something. In the ensuing drama she explained that I was making a big deal out of it, that it was complicated, that it was just normal, and that she was just really busy and that just because she wasn’t talking to me anymore doesn’t she was ignoring me or forgetting me. I let it go after hearing that from her. I realized there was indeed a reason for her every move on me, I just made the mistake of thinking that it was conscious and intentional.
A month went by where I tried to make it normal again while respecting her busy nature by not imposing too much. But it was becoming apparent that she was avoiding me. She doesn’t receive any of my messages for a week but when she starts and I reply and there’s no problem. Then one night I come home and see them together from one of their mall trips*. She was too busy to talk to me but apparently not busy to go out with my best friend who’s studying nursing? I got pissed off again. Same thought. She, no they, were disregarding me. I came home ranting, and my parents tried to calm me down by, of all things, saying that’s it’s ok. They might have a relationship already. I found the idea preposterous. I told them it’s impossible, I know who my best friend likes (that’ll be J ) and if it indeed it was true, they’re my friends and they would have told me. The idea did come into my mind for a second but I dismissed it immediately. Next day I came home and got a trike ride beside one of the guys me and my best friend used to play with in the local pub who knew me, but who’s name escapes me. We passed by her house and this guy asked me if the girl who lives there is my best friend’s girlfriend, because he saw them together. I told him the same thing I told my parents, but that time I thought that it was indeed true. I still thought that if it was, they would have told me.
Few days later, I met J and she told me if ‘I knew’. Then I knew. They were together indeed. Surprisingly I wasn’t angry, nor was I heartbroken. It was more of indifference. Contempt that they didn’t even bother to tell me personally. J said that both of them didn’t know how to tell both of us because they knew how we would react. They had been a couple going on 3 weeks. That means they were already together went I went to my best friend’s house and talked him about why she texted all of a sudden that night and echoed my irk that she never texts unless she needs something. And that night when I bumped into them after their trip to the mall*. I guess they told J because they knew she would tell me so they wouldn‘t have to do it themselves.
My best friend is one of the few people who knew how I felt. He was one that I was comfortable to open up and tell exactly how I felt about her. I seriously never saw it coming. I thought they were just friends hanging out, and I trusted him to take care of her and I was ok with that. Discounting the notion that as a best friend you don’t get together with the girl your friend has feelings for even though she is his ex-girlfriend as a concept that doesn’t exist in Philippine culture, at least as a friend he would have told me something was happening instead of just riding on whatever I say to him regarding what I thought of her. He was agreeing with me even if something was already going on between them. What the hell.
She knew too how I felt about her. She told me that nothing was wrong, that she wasn’t purposely ignoring me and that both of them weren’t forgetting about me, and that them hanging out without me was just a matter of coincidence and whatever twist of circumstance and that was just normal. She said she was busy and that she didn’t receive my messages. Bare-faced lies.
I’m angry because both of them played me a fool all this months. They strung me along, pretended right to my face. I looked stupid in front them, in front of my friends, in front of my parents, even in front of J‘s parents. I asked her about the whole thing just a while ago. She said it was the complicated thing she told me about I talked to her about having a reason for everything having to do with me. It all makes sense now. There was a reason for avoiding me, and it was my best friend. And this just makes me all the more the fool for not seeing it. I’m angry because I was practically the last to know. I had to learn about this whole affair from a stranger, rather from them. Don’t I deserve to hear it from my ‘friends‘? Apparently not.
I never saw it coming because all this time I knew that my best friend still liked J and that he was intending to move. I know my best friend has a history of moving on girls two at a time or even when he is presently in a relationship. J told me that she was surprised because when he told her how long they’ve been going out, she remembers that during that time my best friend was still making the moves on her. I wonder if my best friend’s new girl friend knows about this.
She being the object of my naïve undying love for the past two years has been known by my friends who I have told my long love story too. And through the course of my numerous story telling I’ve encountered comments about her. “She is just using you”, “she probably had a guy already when she broke up with you”, “maybe she’s collecting boyfriends”. My answer to those were “she’s not like that” or “of course she won’t do that.” Her history speaks for itself - three bfs in a year with little or no time in between them. All these people have told me her less than desirable approach to men and relationships and I kinda knew it too, but I wouldn’t hear it. I even defended her. I put her on a pedestal and I didn’t want to believe these ugly comments, or I refused to see the truth. I can’t believe of all people, I would be one blinded by love.
I wonder if they knew the possible consequences of their actions, or if these consequences even exist, or if they cared. Of course they knew J and I would react in some way, or else they wouldn’t have hesitated, or in my case didn’t at all, to tell us. How I would act they wouldn’t know. Actually, even I don’t know how I will act. These are my closest friends, but I feel betrayed. Do you know how it will feel to be a third wheel to the girl you love and your best friend? It’s painfully awkward. I love them both, but what they did isn’t easily forgivable. In the possible debate of who is right I won’t have any supporters. All my high school friends are friends with both of them, and they’ll side with the couple. I’m tied to my HS friends through them, so if I alienate myself from them, I’ll be burning close to all the ties to my high school friends, save for a few. But, I can’t pretend that everything is alright for me. Frankly I’m tired of acting, and I’m tired of being made the fool. I’ve resolved to cut all my ties with them even if that means destroying our friendships and isolating myself from my high school friends, because to me, those two did it themselves. It’s not like they’ll miss me.
And so begins another melodramatic Christmas season. This is becoming an unholy pattern.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
1st Sem of the last half of my College life
This semester has got to be the worst for my academic life. Well, I knew it was going to be 3 weeks in. That early I said to myself, “this sem is screwed up, I’ll just ride it out and change and put all my effort next sem.” And that’s what I did. Finals week became damage control just to prevent the bad grades I’m expecting from becoming worse.
The semester started well actually. Philo seemed fun, Theology under Dacanay was intimidating in a good way, and my DS subjects were interesting, of course.. But then this whole personal problem thing took effect and my whole life got derailed. All these distractions. Include the fact that I got into playing DotA more, which I admit I became an unhealthy habit; given a choice between working on an assignment or studying, or playing a game, I would almost always choose to play then cram on my academics later. Here’s how I messed up this semester.
Like I said Philo seemed fun. My teacher was funny in a way that he explained concepts using stupid stories from the past or layman’s analogies, which made the class lively and understanding easy. However soon the readings became more and more of an headache to read, and as the concepts became more and more abstract my resistance to subject increased with it. With the lessons hitting a brick wall in my head I found my mind slipping in class, which to me is like leaving a computer idle; sooner or later it will power down and hibernate. And that’s what happened. One day I fell asleep in class and for the rest of the semester I spent more time asleep than I was awake and listening. Which is bad because whatever easy-to-understand explanation sir Pasco gave in class was wasted on me. When time came for long tests and papers that involves philosophizing, I lacked the knowledge to explain it save for whatever term I think I heard in my dreams or what I remember getting a glimpse of in the blackboard in the times I am awake to shift to a more comfortable sleeping position. And philo finals was technically my first real orals. I had a week to study all the concepts I slept through the whole semester, which I wasted. I studied 9 thesis statements from scratch 7 hours before the orals. Come orals time I just said all the things I can think off even remotely related to the thesis statement. End grade, C+.
I would say my favorite class this semester would be Theology. Fr. Dacanay kept the class attentive with an unholy mix of fear and entertainment. Who knew a priest could have so many sex jokes be crass with it too. What he taught wasn't just dogmatic Church teaching, but the moral reasoning behind it. Not what just the Church says, but why it says it. He deserves his legendary reputation and i recommend taking him to everyone; everyone who is willing to gamble his/her grades that is. That said my problem for Theo was that my quiz grades were erratic. A 3 this week will turn into an F the next. Part of the reason for that is I didn't study well for the quizzes. I would read the required reading for that test 10 minutes before the class while walking to it. I didn't take any orals. The first chance i skipped because I was still intimidated by the thought. The second chance I missed the sign-up and almost missed the written test because I didn't know the right dates. The finals orals I decided not to take because by then I couldn’t gamble with my grades anymore. My group didn’t help at all. Or I should say they did. Because even though they are a group of little pretentious queen bee wannabes who do things at the last minute, they still manage to do the stuff that’s needed to be done. End grade: D. Yeah I survived.
And since I've put off this post and I'm getting tired of it, let me speed through the rest of the subjects.
DS 102. Slept through it the whole sem, didn't read the readings. C+
DS 112. Only problem is surprise low quiz grades. C+
DS 130. Loved it. Normal effort. Surprised to get a B
OrgMan. Thought it will be easy. But it turns out I didn't put in my side of the effort, and i regret that. Sir is the type of guy who will perfectly mirror the amount of effort you put in. Grade: C. I deserved it.
This semester has got to be the worst for my academic life. Well, I knew it was going to be 3 weeks in. That early I said to myself, “this sem is screwed up, I’ll just ride it out and change and put all my effort next sem.” And that’s what I did. Finals week became damage control just to prevent the bad grades I’m expecting from becoming worse.
The semester started well actually. Philo seemed fun, Theology under Dacanay was intimidating in a good way, and my DS subjects were interesting, of course.. But then this whole personal problem thing took effect and my whole life got derailed. All these distractions. Include the fact that I got into playing DotA more, which I admit I became an unhealthy habit; given a choice between working on an assignment or studying, or playing a game, I would almost always choose to play then cram on my academics later. Here’s how I messed up this semester.
Like I said Philo seemed fun. My teacher was funny in a way that he explained concepts using stupid stories from the past or layman’s analogies, which made the class lively and understanding easy. However soon the readings became more and more of an headache to read, and as the concepts became more and more abstract my resistance to subject increased with it. With the lessons hitting a brick wall in my head I found my mind slipping in class, which to me is like leaving a computer idle; sooner or later it will power down and hibernate. And that’s what happened. One day I fell asleep in class and for the rest of the semester I spent more time asleep than I was awake and listening. Which is bad because whatever easy-to-understand explanation sir Pasco gave in class was wasted on me. When time came for long tests and papers that involves philosophizing, I lacked the knowledge to explain it save for whatever term I think I heard in my dreams or what I remember getting a glimpse of in the blackboard in the times I am awake to shift to a more comfortable sleeping position. And philo finals was technically my first real orals. I had a week to study all the concepts I slept through the whole semester, which I wasted. I studied 9 thesis statements from scratch 7 hours before the orals. Come orals time I just said all the things I can think off even remotely related to the thesis statement. End grade, C+.
I would say my favorite class this semester would be Theology. Fr. Dacanay kept the class attentive with an unholy mix of fear and entertainment. Who knew a priest could have so many sex jokes be crass with it too. What he taught wasn't just dogmatic Church teaching, but the moral reasoning behind it. Not what just the Church says, but why it says it. He deserves his legendary reputation and i recommend taking him to everyone; everyone who is willing to gamble his/her grades that is. That said my problem for Theo was that my quiz grades were erratic. A 3 this week will turn into an F the next. Part of the reason for that is I didn't study well for the quizzes. I would read the required reading for that test 10 minutes before the class while walking to it. I didn't take any orals. The first chance i skipped because I was still intimidated by the thought. The second chance I missed the sign-up and almost missed the written test because I didn't know the right dates. The finals orals I decided not to take because by then I couldn’t gamble with my grades anymore. My group didn’t help at all. Or I should say they did. Because even though they are a group of little pretentious queen bee wannabes who do things at the last minute, they still manage to do the stuff that’s needed to be done. End grade: D. Yeah I survived.
And since I've put off this post and I'm getting tired of it, let me speed through the rest of the subjects.
DS 102. Slept through it the whole sem, didn't read the readings. C+
DS 112. Only problem is surprise low quiz grades. C+
DS 130. Loved it. Normal effort. Surprised to get a B
OrgMan. Thought it will be easy. But it turns out I didn't put in my side of the effort, and i regret that. Sir is the type of guy who will perfectly mirror the amount of effort you put in. Grade: C. I deserved it.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I wonder what will happen if I die?
It was after watching the UAAP finals at MVP, and I was walking around the campus, savoring the satisfaction of our victory when I came across the wake of Gab Doller at the chapel, and it hit me that in the midst of all the cheers and happiness, there exists sadness in this corner of the school. It was sad to think that his death, at least for a moment was overshadowed by the championship, and so in the hallway empty of students who were all celebrating at Araneta I came and stayed in silence to show that at least in a way, people have not forgotten.
You never really think about death, and so when someone close by dies it feels surreal. I wasn't really that close with Gab, and if not for a blogpost that mentioned him being part of World Youth Day and me remembering that a picture of the participants was in the last issue of Guidon, I wouldn't have remembered that he was my French I classmate. I knew the face but the name attached to it only weakly until I saw his picture and put them together.
I came upon his Memorial Board where a tarp was put up for his friends to write their last messages for him. I was touched and saddened by what was written. There were those expressing their shock and mourning his sudden passing. There were happy messages left as if he wasn't gone at all. And there were those remembering his friends' fondest memories of him that they will miss.
Which made me contemplate. If I die and I had a Board like this, what will people write? Will they say my death is a shock? Who will write? How many of my 'friends' will leave even a note? What will they miss of me? Will they mention a thing they remember me for or miss having?
I had this same-yet-different thought when I heard of Tara. She was shot during a robbery and was placed in a coma. The night it happened I already read about it in my friends blogs and within a week benefit concerts for her were already being planned. And i thought, who is she that she is getting this much attention and support, not out of disrespect but out of real wonder, because I didn't really know her. I wondered if something like it happened to me if the school will show the same amount of support or does it all depend on people's 'social capital'?
I have this notion of passing my day-to-day with as little impact on people as possible. Being detached from the world and the people makes me free. Staying in the back, being anonymous, keeping quiet, the guy that does (great) things with taking as little attention as possible. But to think if I die right now no one will remember me, or anything of me sucks. I guess that's the downside of keeping my distance from the world. I'm left to wonder if I left anything to anyone worth remembering.
It was after watching the UAAP finals at MVP, and I was walking around the campus, savoring the satisfaction of our victory when I came across the wake of Gab Doller at the chapel, and it hit me that in the midst of all the cheers and happiness, there exists sadness in this corner of the school. It was sad to think that his death, at least for a moment was overshadowed by the championship, and so in the hallway empty of students who were all celebrating at Araneta I came and stayed in silence to show that at least in a way, people have not forgotten.
You never really think about death, and so when someone close by dies it feels surreal. I wasn't really that close with Gab, and if not for a blogpost that mentioned him being part of World Youth Day and me remembering that a picture of the participants was in the last issue of Guidon, I wouldn't have remembered that he was my French I classmate. I knew the face but the name attached to it only weakly until I saw his picture and put them together.
I came upon his Memorial Board where a tarp was put up for his friends to write their last messages for him. I was touched and saddened by what was written. There were those expressing their shock and mourning his sudden passing. There were happy messages left as if he wasn't gone at all. And there were those remembering his friends' fondest memories of him that they will miss.
Which made me contemplate. If I die and I had a Board like this, what will people write? Will they say my death is a shock? Who will write? How many of my 'friends' will leave even a note? What will they miss of me? Will they mention a thing they remember me for or miss having?
I had this same-yet-different thought when I heard of Tara. She was shot during a robbery and was placed in a coma. The night it happened I already read about it in my friends blogs and within a week benefit concerts for her were already being planned. And i thought, who is she that she is getting this much attention and support, not out of disrespect but out of real wonder, because I didn't really know her. I wondered if something like it happened to me if the school will show the same amount of support or does it all depend on people's 'social capital'?
I have this notion of passing my day-to-day with as little impact on people as possible. Being detached from the world and the people makes me free. Staying in the back, being anonymous, keeping quiet, the guy that does (great) things with taking as little attention as possible. But to think if I die right now no one will remember me, or anything of me sucks. I guess that's the downside of keeping my distance from the world. I'm left to wonder if I left anything to anyone worth remembering.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
This is what going mad feels like
I've put off writing this post for 3 months now as I grapple what I really feel. it has gone through several writings and edits about several things, about what I felt during a particular time or about the past months. Let me say everything now, once and let me forget all about it.
I love you. I love you now as much as I had two years ago. I always think about you. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm alone, whenever I don't see you. Always. It's driving me crazy thinking about you and knowing I can't tell you anything when I see you. when all I can say is 'if you only knew.' If you only knew how much I still love you. If you only knew that I'm still waiting. If you only knew how much it hurts me whenever you tell me those things. If you only knew how much it hurts being beside you and pretending everything is ok. If you only knew I don't care about those things as long as I see you happy. If you only knew that i can't get close to another because my hope for you stops me every time.
My hope is pushing me to look for you everyday, to ask you how you are and what are you doing, to make sure that you're ok, and I'm going mad because I have to stop and tell myself that I have to let you go, that you don't care about me anymore. I'm fighting myself and it's tearing me in two. And until now I don't know if I'll still hope and wait or if I have to strength to finally let go and move on. You're making it difficult because you continue to make me hope whenever you hold my hand.
I'm telling myself that I'm too young to feel this way, that I still have my whole life ahead of me. But then I wish that I could be with you and then I'm back to square one.
I wish you didn't come back anymore. I was doing fine without you near. You have become a memory that I cherished. Now your close I find it so hard to stop myself from hoping.
I trying to cut all ties that holds me back to you and your memory. Your kinda helping me by not acknowledging me, and I think you're doing it on purpose. That's good, but I wish you could tell me more directly. I don't know, maybe I'll confront you one last time. Or I will just continue burning bridges and move on and not look back without saying another word.
Either way I take, let me say it again. I love you, always have. With this, let me leave all that I feel right here and forget about it.
I've put off writing this post for 3 months now as I grapple what I really feel. it has gone through several writings and edits about several things, about what I felt during a particular time or about the past months. Let me say everything now, once and let me forget all about it.
I love you. I love you now as much as I had two years ago. I always think about you. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm alone, whenever I don't see you. Always. It's driving me crazy thinking about you and knowing I can't tell you anything when I see you. when all I can say is 'if you only knew.' If you only knew how much I still love you. If you only knew that I'm still waiting. If you only knew how much it hurts me whenever you tell me those things. If you only knew how much it hurts being beside you and pretending everything is ok. If you only knew I don't care about those things as long as I see you happy. If you only knew that i can't get close to another because my hope for you stops me every time.
My hope is pushing me to look for you everyday, to ask you how you are and what are you doing, to make sure that you're ok, and I'm going mad because I have to stop and tell myself that I have to let you go, that you don't care about me anymore. I'm fighting myself and it's tearing me in two. And until now I don't know if I'll still hope and wait or if I have to strength to finally let go and move on. You're making it difficult because you continue to make me hope whenever you hold my hand.
I'm telling myself that I'm too young to feel this way, that I still have my whole life ahead of me. But then I wish that I could be with you and then I'm back to square one.
I wish you didn't come back anymore. I was doing fine without you near. You have become a memory that I cherished. Now your close I find it so hard to stop myself from hoping.
I trying to cut all ties that holds me back to you and your memory. Your kinda helping me by not acknowledging me, and I think you're doing it on purpose. That's good, but I wish you could tell me more directly. I don't know, maybe I'll confront you one last time. Or I will just continue burning bridges and move on and not look back without saying another word.
Either way I take, let me say it again. I love you, always have. With this, let me leave all that I feel right here and forget about it.
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