Unemployment Blues
I've been unproductive for the past week. That's what I get for trusting an EC. It's either they're really taking their sweet time making a decision, or I've mis-assessed how evil they actually are and that they have already decided to not call us back but didn't even bother the normal courtesy to inform us. Either way, I still can't believe that considering what we've done for them this past 2 months,and the "professional" relationships we have established, they'd leave us hanging like this. That's why deep down I'm actually keeping some hope that they'd still contact us soon. But I can't hope and wait forever, so I'd give them a day or two before I put my head back in the job hunting game. Also that actually; I'm still hoping that I'd get spared the tremendous hassle of another job hunt.
Surprisingly, I was somewhat looking forward to taking this job, even though research and marketing (worse, the two together, research marketing) is a field I didn't really want to get into. My primary reason for wanting to stay, aside from the shallow yet practical reason of finally having an adequately paying job over the medium-term, was the training. Yes, the workplace is stressful, but this has challenged me to become a better worker, learning habits that weren't properly inculcated into me during high school or college. I was looking forward to being forced to up my game, to level up during the short time I was planning to stay with that company.
Also, I was looking forward to learning something about marketing. Even though in principle I still don't like the idea of it, I can't deny that it has some utility. And utility to me, though I wouldn't want to stick to that field in the future, I would appreciate gaining some potentially useful knowledge and skills from the stuff I was gonna do.
Now my mom tells me to give them until Wednesday before I formally job hunt once more. The idea of it still sucks but what can I do. This is what happens when you place your hope and trust in an EC.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
College do-over
I remember this one time, at campus, I was frantically trying to figure out how to arrange my electives to get my European studies minor in a year. The minor allowed Histo 18, European history to be taken as an elective which would have meant that I could have conveniently fulfilled a requirement for the minor without trying and taking up another elective slot since it was a core subject. That is, if I haven't taken Histo 16, Asian History, already instead.
Which made me say with conviction, "The next time I go through college I'm taking Histo 18 for sure!"
Then a few seconds later, "Oh yeah..." Face palm.
It might have been the effect of playing too much video games that made me unconsciously think that I have the power to repeat college as easy as playing through a game one more time out of boredom. That, or everyone has that wish where we could relive a part of our lives, this time correcting for the mistakes I have learned along the way. For me, I think it was the former.
Well I'm just thinking of my simple college do-overs. One would be that, taking Histo 18 instead of 16. Another would be taking German or Italian instead of French. I used to be so obsessed with trying to learn French, and now I don't remember why. Ondoy washed away all my French readings, and along with it almost everything I learned in class. Words, pronunciation, conjugation, all gone. Now, with my interest in World War II and immersing myself in many a movie that has German in it, and, having recently watched When in Rome I'm wishing I took German or Italian instead. I think pronouncing either would have been easier.
Another would be a trick I learned in my last sem. I saw some of my classmates using a notebook made by binding their old readings together so that the clean white backs become the writing pads. That was simply genius. I can't believe I never thought of that, a mind-bogglingly simple way of recycling old readings and getting a free notebook at the same time. I wish I encountered it sooner so I would have done it, though it's not like I take a lot of notes, but still. Well, I'll be teaching that trick to my kids one day.
How about you? I bet you have a simple college do over moment too.
Oh college, how I miss it. I wish I could go to school again. You know what, I think I shall do that. But not Ateneo, I go there often enough. I think I'll go to some other college and see what life is like there.
I remember this one time, at campus, I was frantically trying to figure out how to arrange my electives to get my European studies minor in a year. The minor allowed Histo 18, European history to be taken as an elective which would have meant that I could have conveniently fulfilled a requirement for the minor without trying and taking up another elective slot since it was a core subject. That is, if I haven't taken Histo 16, Asian History, already instead.
Which made me say with conviction, "The next time I go through college I'm taking Histo 18 for sure!"
Then a few seconds later, "Oh yeah..." Face palm.
It might have been the effect of playing too much video games that made me unconsciously think that I have the power to repeat college as easy as playing through a game one more time out of boredom. That, or everyone has that wish where we could relive a part of our lives, this time correcting for the mistakes I have learned along the way. For me, I think it was the former.
Well I'm just thinking of my simple college do-overs. One would be that, taking Histo 18 instead of 16. Another would be taking German or Italian instead of French. I used to be so obsessed with trying to learn French, and now I don't remember why. Ondoy washed away all my French readings, and along with it almost everything I learned in class. Words, pronunciation, conjugation, all gone. Now, with my interest in World War II and immersing myself in many a movie that has German in it, and, having recently watched When in Rome I'm wishing I took German or Italian instead. I think pronouncing either would have been easier.
Another would be a trick I learned in my last sem. I saw some of my classmates using a notebook made by binding their old readings together so that the clean white backs become the writing pads. That was simply genius. I can't believe I never thought of that, a mind-bogglingly simple way of recycling old readings and getting a free notebook at the same time. I wish I encountered it sooner so I would have done it, though it's not like I take a lot of notes, but still. Well, I'll be teaching that trick to my kids one day.
How about you? I bet you have a simple college do over moment too.
Oh college, how I miss it. I wish I could go to school again. You know what, I think I shall do that. But not Ateneo, I go there often enough. I think I'll go to some other college and see what life is like there.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Cruel Joke
The first time I said it, I might have been exagerrating. This time though I believe it's warranted already. Granted it's probably not intentional, but they should have seen what they were doing. We were (verging on) desperate for a job, and here is one we would really love, promising all the aspects we wanted; decent pay and a chance to work for others while getting to travel. A lot.
And then we were told we had a good chance so we should apply. I did, and the reply the first time was "thanks, we'll call you next year when we're hiring". Wait what? you told us we could apply but apparently not hiring yet. A bit bitter I thought that that was the cruel joke. We were told the chances were high, they were looking for guys, the interview will be easy etc., and then bam, see you next year. I shrugged the thought of, just thought that because since it's November and hirings are difficult during the Christmas season. So I waited patiently.
3 months later and it was on again. My friend delayed his application till the New Year to skip the holiday hiring funk, and so we hoped this would trigger the interview calls. Add again with assurances of 'the company is expanding, looking for guys like you, etc' and we thought this thing was practically in the bag after the interview until the message. Sorry guys, apparently we're not hiring after all. What.
See that's the cruel joke right there. Oh you guys want to join our company, sure just send your applications. We're looking for people like you. Got your resume, just wait for our call next year. Oh I thought your friend is applying? I 'm waiting for his application. Oh here it is, sorry though we're not hiring anytime soon. Wow, thanks for getting our hopes up and stringing us along for months.
Ok, I'm done ranting now. It's time to move on and resume looking for a job. It just sucks to be led on like that.
The first time I said it, I might have been exagerrating. This time though I believe it's warranted already. Granted it's probably not intentional, but they should have seen what they were doing. We were (verging on) desperate for a job, and here is one we would really love, promising all the aspects we wanted; decent pay and a chance to work for others while getting to travel. A lot.
And then we were told we had a good chance so we should apply. I did, and the reply the first time was "thanks, we'll call you next year when we're hiring". Wait what? you told us we could apply but apparently not hiring yet. A bit bitter I thought that that was the cruel joke. We were told the chances were high, they were looking for guys, the interview will be easy etc., and then bam, see you next year. I shrugged the thought of, just thought that because since it's November and hirings are difficult during the Christmas season. So I waited patiently.
3 months later and it was on again. My friend delayed his application till the New Year to skip the holiday hiring funk, and so we hoped this would trigger the interview calls. Add again with assurances of 'the company is expanding, looking for guys like you, etc' and we thought this thing was practically in the bag after the interview until the message. Sorry guys, apparently we're not hiring after all. What.
See that's the cruel joke right there. Oh you guys want to join our company, sure just send your applications. We're looking for people like you. Got your resume, just wait for our call next year. Oh I thought your friend is applying? I 'm waiting for his application. Oh here it is, sorry though we're not hiring anytime soon. Wow, thanks for getting our hopes up and stringing us along for months.
Ok, I'm done ranting now. It's time to move on and resume looking for a job. It just sucks to be led on like that.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
21
Yeah so 30 minutes ago was my birthday. Nothing major, went to mass at my school chapel, spent the day with 2 close friends, treated myself to some me-mw time and had a pleasant dinner with my parents at home. For some reason, though tradition or social media portrays it, I don't feel any big deal about turning 21. Actually, I don't feel anything special about today. The whole run-up to my birthday this year, I wasn't excited or anything. I almost feel pressured to make as much a big deal of it as others who know about it are.
Maybe it's the lack of structure, like in school I can compare and track the dates leading to my birthday. Or maybe it's the depressing feeling of being useless unemployed bum that's sapping my enthusiasm. I'm leaning on the second one. My friend told me the same feeling got to her before she got the job, and she's right. It does get to you.
Nayway, since Operation Writers Block stalled because of my internship and subsequent bummery, and now being tied-down by an assignment in transcription that I am now regretting, I haven't written a while. I have actually started writing some things but haven't gotten around to finishing them yet. Now it's the pressure of delivering the transcript that is so mind-numbing to finish thats hindering me. I'll call it quits after this second one. I've had it with listening to recordings.
Regarding my social experiment that is to wipe my birthdate information from FB to see if anyone will remember at all, I'm surprised that less people greeted me than I expected. More over, minus my 2 friends who I hanged out with and a close guy friend, the greetings I got came from the people I didn't expect them from. An ES friend, my partner that I'm ashamed to say I ditched in CO, and my tita. And that's it. I'm actually surprised, and a little bit hurt actually. Only these people remembered my birthday- though don't get me wrong it warms my heart to receive greetings from them. All the rest of my friends, including the ones I really thought would, didn't remember it without the help of FB. Eh but screw that. At least I know that she still remembered, and that is enough for me today.
Thank you God, for my 21 years, of being alive and being so blessed, for my friends, my family, everyone I know, and everyone I love.
Yeah so 30 minutes ago was my birthday. Nothing major, went to mass at my school chapel, spent the day with 2 close friends, treated myself to some me-mw time and had a pleasant dinner with my parents at home. For some reason, though tradition or social media portrays it, I don't feel any big deal about turning 21. Actually, I don't feel anything special about today. The whole run-up to my birthday this year, I wasn't excited or anything. I almost feel pressured to make as much a big deal of it as others who know about it are.
Maybe it's the lack of structure, like in school I can compare and track the dates leading to my birthday. Or maybe it's the depressing feeling of being useless unemployed bum that's sapping my enthusiasm. I'm leaning on the second one. My friend told me the same feeling got to her before she got the job, and she's right. It does get to you.
Nayway, since Operation Writers Block stalled because of my internship and subsequent bummery, and now being tied-down by an assignment in transcription that I am now regretting, I haven't written a while. I have actually started writing some things but haven't gotten around to finishing them yet. Now it's the pressure of delivering the transcript that is so mind-numbing to finish thats hindering me. I'll call it quits after this second one. I've had it with listening to recordings.
Regarding my social experiment that is to wipe my birthdate information from FB to see if anyone will remember at all, I'm surprised that less people greeted me than I expected. More over, minus my 2 friends who I hanged out with and a close guy friend, the greetings I got came from the people I didn't expect them from. An ES friend, my partner that I'm ashamed to say I ditched in CO, and my tita. And that's it. I'm actually surprised, and a little bit hurt actually. Only these people remembered my birthday- though don't get me wrong it warms my heart to receive greetings from them. All the rest of my friends, including the ones I really thought would, didn't remember it without the help of FB. Eh but screw that. At least I know that she still remembered, and that is enough for me today.
Thank you God, for my 21 years, of being alive and being so blessed, for my friends, my family, everyone I know, and everyone I love.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Problems
Since it appears that I'll have a legitimate change at landing a writing position, I should really make it a point to continue my practice of writing, at the very least every other day.
Of course, this writing job at the Foundation is not my first choice. I would love to get inside zedpi rather than the foundation because I am experiencing office work now at A-Sog and it is not really the type of thing I would like to do for long. The idea of staying in a cubicle or room day after day typing stuff into the computer is frankly almost my idea of hell. Zedpi is so far the closest thing I could think of the perfect job within reasonable reach.
Of course, if the opportunity presented itself I wouldn't be able to gamble it for a chance to get to zedpi; that is just unwise. If both are lost then I will be forced to rely on an equally unsure back-up plan of ensuring that I get hired in A-Sog. So it looks like I will have to prepare for the first real job interview of my life, to be able to ensure that I have a full-hearted chance of landing the job at the foundation and just hope that if I don't get it i will have a chance of getting in a job with a lot of fieldwork which I would love more. Talk about a class A problem. Having a lot of good options is just as stressful as having no options at all.
Since I am talking about problems, I might as well take this chance to put to writing the one problem that has stuck to me all this years like crazy glue. I've been bottling up all this negative feelings that i don't know how to get rid off. I'm stuck between deciding whether to bring it up, or just continue my isolationist policy.
if I do bring it up, how should I say it? What do I actually want? I would say that I really miss the friends that hurt me. I miss them so much it hurts, but then I still feel that all is not resolved since the last time so putting up a mask where I am still hurt just by seeing them is equally bad if not worse. It's the hedgehogs dilemma; I couldn't get close without getting hurt, but I am hurting as well from the distance.
I would say that I wish for the past back where we could hang-out like normal, but in this situation it is impossible. They are together, which means any attempt I do will most likely end up as me being a third wheel - that is , if by some miracle they are actually free.
I would say that I miss talking to her, but then I get the feeling that she thinks of me as a bother anyway so if I try to put things back it will be just a sad attempt. Any thing try will just be another sad thing.
All this, because all this years and heartbreaks, I still feel the same way, and so all my actions are undeniable colored by some complex emotion. So what do I want to do exactly? Regain old friendships? Is it possible? Do they actually care? i guess, given the next opportunity, I would take it to tell her this, and try to unburden myself with all this negativity
Hay. Anyway, I have other important things to thing about, other things that make me happy. Let's start with preparing for that job interview tomorrow.
Since it appears that I'll have a legitimate change at landing a writing position, I should really make it a point to continue my practice of writing, at the very least every other day.
Of course, this writing job at the Foundation is not my first choice. I would love to get inside zedpi rather than the foundation because I am experiencing office work now at A-Sog and it is not really the type of thing I would like to do for long. The idea of staying in a cubicle or room day after day typing stuff into the computer is frankly almost my idea of hell. Zedpi is so far the closest thing I could think of the perfect job within reasonable reach.
Of course, if the opportunity presented itself I wouldn't be able to gamble it for a chance to get to zedpi; that is just unwise. If both are lost then I will be forced to rely on an equally unsure back-up plan of ensuring that I get hired in A-Sog. So it looks like I will have to prepare for the first real job interview of my life, to be able to ensure that I have a full-hearted chance of landing the job at the foundation and just hope that if I don't get it i will have a chance of getting in a job with a lot of fieldwork which I would love more. Talk about a class A problem. Having a lot of good options is just as stressful as having no options at all.
Since I am talking about problems, I might as well take this chance to put to writing the one problem that has stuck to me all this years like crazy glue. I've been bottling up all this negative feelings that i don't know how to get rid off. I'm stuck between deciding whether to bring it up, or just continue my isolationist policy.
if I do bring it up, how should I say it? What do I actually want? I would say that I really miss the friends that hurt me. I miss them so much it hurts, but then I still feel that all is not resolved since the last time so putting up a mask where I am still hurt just by seeing them is equally bad if not worse. It's the hedgehogs dilemma; I couldn't get close without getting hurt, but I am hurting as well from the distance.
I would say that I wish for the past back where we could hang-out like normal, but in this situation it is impossible. They are together, which means any attempt I do will most likely end up as me being a third wheel - that is , if by some miracle they are actually free.
I would say that I miss talking to her, but then I get the feeling that she thinks of me as a bother anyway so if I try to put things back it will be just a sad attempt. Any thing try will just be another sad thing.
All this, because all this years and heartbreaks, I still feel the same way, and so all my actions are undeniable colored by some complex emotion. So what do I want to do exactly? Regain old friendships? Is it possible? Do they actually care? i guess, given the next opportunity, I would take it to tell her this, and try to unburden myself with all this negativity
Hay. Anyway, I have other important things to thing about, other things that make me happy. Let's start with preparing for that job interview tomorrow.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
OWB Low Battery
So I've come upon another creative, life-energy, mental dry spell that I can't even think of the next sentence I will write after this upon. It's ridiculous. Well I know it will end eventually but what should I do until then? I can't tap a well that has gone dry, I have to wait for the stream of consciousness to flow again naturally. I haven't discovered a way to break out of this phase yet.
nothing. Nada. Zilch. All I could think of doing now is just keep reading, and hopefully that can spark some kind of reaction in my mind. Brings me to a thought though about having professional help. R has the luxury, time and money to take seminars and classes that is improving his craft. Mine is basically a self-help thing. Should I edit and polish my past pieces or should I leave them as is as a markers of my improvement? Hmm.. haven't really thought about it. I guess I'll just try making better new ones. But again, the problem here is that i have nothing to write about. Low battery, a situation where my mind is silent and I have no idea of how to jump-starting it back up.
So I've come upon another creative, life-energy, mental dry spell that I can't even think of the next sentence I will write after this upon. It's ridiculous. Well I know it will end eventually but what should I do until then? I can't tap a well that has gone dry, I have to wait for the stream of consciousness to flow again naturally. I haven't discovered a way to break out of this phase yet.
nothing. Nada. Zilch. All I could think of doing now is just keep reading, and hopefully that can spark some kind of reaction in my mind. Brings me to a thought though about having professional help. R has the luxury, time and money to take seminars and classes that is improving his craft. Mine is basically a self-help thing. Should I edit and polish my past pieces or should I leave them as is as a markers of my improvement? Hmm.. haven't really thought about it. I guess I'll just try making better new ones. But again, the problem here is that i have nothing to write about. Low battery, a situation where my mind is silent and I have no idea of how to jump-starting it back up.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Motivation
This is actually the difficult aspect of writing, that is, finding the motivation that will compel me to do so. So far I've only written when it comes naturally, because that means I've got a good handle on how to write it, what's the purpose and a good angle for it. If not, I will struggle to put into words my abstract thoughts and it is difficult. I should work on this next - forcing a free write on something more serious, because well these last 3 posts are techincally forced free writes.I have enough ideas keeping me annoyingly awake at night these past few days, half-baked concepts and unfinished paragrapgh constructions about the road not taken, being normal and opinion writing that given any idle time my mind will race through the topic until it hits a brick wall. I'm basically mental blogging the entire day. I wish that there comes a technology that can translate thought to text someday. Or I should just carry a recorder around. It's either that, or I'm entering another meh phase.
RiB
Yeah so I watched Rhytmn in Blue last night. I didn't know it was that big an event. I've basically ignored it my entire college life since it's about dance. Perhaps also since there was no influence around me then would have dragged us or at least made me curious enough to watch it.
I was surprised at how good the other orgs are. I was expecting simple dance routines since these are basically ad hoc danced teams that the different orgs put together for the contest. But their choreography was actually at a competititve level - so good in fact that even orgs that you wouldn't expect to have a group of talented dancers like BoX or AMS (sorry for the stereotype) actually out performed even CADs. Well, CADs' numbers were boring.
Of course the reason we went there was to support Ann, and so we waited eagerly for their group to come on stage. And she was amazing, especially since she says it's her first time. She seemed like a natural, and they even flipped her around. Not many first timers you'd expect who are willing to do that.
I should remember to bring my camera. At least thanks to Ann, I managed to see an event that is actually amazing that I've missed my whole college life, so I'm thankful for that. It reminded me why Ateneans are the cream of the crop, and why I love my school. Cmon, even our Math geeks (sorry haha) can tear up a dance floor. Give Ateneans a flat stage, and they will show you that they can compete at anything, and win.
This is actually the difficult aspect of writing, that is, finding the motivation that will compel me to do so. So far I've only written when it comes naturally, because that means I've got a good handle on how to write it, what's the purpose and a good angle for it. If not, I will struggle to put into words my abstract thoughts and it is difficult. I should work on this next - forcing a free write on something more serious, because well these last 3 posts are techincally forced free writes.I have enough ideas keeping me annoyingly awake at night these past few days, half-baked concepts and unfinished paragrapgh constructions about the road not taken, being normal and opinion writing that given any idle time my mind will race through the topic until it hits a brick wall. I'm basically mental blogging the entire day. I wish that there comes a technology that can translate thought to text someday. Or I should just carry a recorder around. It's either that, or I'm entering another meh phase.
RiB
Yeah so I watched Rhytmn in Blue last night. I didn't know it was that big an event. I've basically ignored it my entire college life since it's about dance. Perhaps also since there was no influence around me then would have dragged us or at least made me curious enough to watch it.
I was surprised at how good the other orgs are. I was expecting simple dance routines since these are basically ad hoc danced teams that the different orgs put together for the contest. But their choreography was actually at a competititve level - so good in fact that even orgs that you wouldn't expect to have a group of talented dancers like BoX or AMS (sorry for the stereotype) actually out performed even CADs. Well, CADs' numbers were boring.
Of course the reason we went there was to support Ann, and so we waited eagerly for their group to come on stage. And she was amazing, especially since she says it's her first time. She seemed like a natural, and they even flipped her around. Not many first timers you'd expect who are willing to do that.
I should remember to bring my camera. At least thanks to Ann, I managed to see an event that is actually amazing that I've missed my whole college life, so I'm thankful for that. It reminded me why Ateneans are the cream of the crop, and why I love my school. Cmon, even our Math geeks (sorry haha) can tear up a dance floor. Give Ateneans a flat stage, and they will show you that they can compete at anything, and win.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
OWB: Writing Rules
Like the many lists of rules I've managed to come with these past few years, I'm laying one down for my writing.
Rule #1: Write it down immediately. This goes for both snippets of thoughts randomly conjured (the purpose of the free-notes notebook) and blogging about a new experience. Since it has happened 3 nights ago the excitement of Saturday's Nitro night are starting to wear off, and hence the accompanying motivation to write about it and possibly any creative juice I could squeeze into writing it as well. So the next time I come across a new experience, I'll set a date with a drafting board.
Rule #2: Read, read, read. This comes naturally to me that I don't even have to say it to myself, but what I'll be doing is laying down some corollary rules. Like what type of stuff to read. Instead of spending my time playing Civilizations (thank God the last obsession ended with the realization that my current empire sucks), I will read the newspaper more. Maybe not the entertainment sections, but more of those articles that needed writing talent in it's creation. Opinions and essays. I just saw bloggers' collection of other blogs, and I'll make it a point to browse through those as well. Read more, watch less. Lessen distractions and other stuff that can add noise to my already noisy mind.
Rule #3: Proofread! Careless mistakes and run-on sentences are always present in my writing. I will be more conscientious in my writing that I will edit it. Since most of my blogs are basically just draft qualities, I could probably let slip fixing sentence constructions. But I shall at least give them a once over and correct typos. For more serious pieces I shall proofread them more. At least in terms of typos, I should be perfect.
Perhaps I should make a tier of my writing qualities, like draft-quality blogposts such as these, then medium-quality narrative posts for experiences that will require more editing, and portfolio-level essays that will need serious editing and polishing. Yeah, I think I will do that.
With that the foundations of my rules for writing are established. Tomorrow perhaps I could practice my narrative blogging after watching RiB. The past few days have been boring, with the only ray of sunshine being Kits starting to reply once again with an equal casting of a shadow with the start of waiting for A-SoG's reply to my application for internship.
When i get a column of my own some day, I'll name it Past Midnight, because apparently my writing happens after 12mn.
Like the many lists of rules I've managed to come with these past few years, I'm laying one down for my writing.
Rule #1: Write it down immediately. This goes for both snippets of thoughts randomly conjured (the purpose of the free-notes notebook) and blogging about a new experience. Since it has happened 3 nights ago the excitement of Saturday's Nitro night are starting to wear off, and hence the accompanying motivation to write about it and possibly any creative juice I could squeeze into writing it as well. So the next time I come across a new experience, I'll set a date with a drafting board.
Rule #2: Read, read, read. This comes naturally to me that I don't even have to say it to myself, but what I'll be doing is laying down some corollary rules. Like what type of stuff to read. Instead of spending my time playing Civilizations (thank God the last obsession ended with the realization that my current empire sucks), I will read the newspaper more. Maybe not the entertainment sections, but more of those articles that needed writing talent in it's creation. Opinions and essays. I just saw bloggers' collection of other blogs, and I'll make it a point to browse through those as well. Read more, watch less. Lessen distractions and other stuff that can add noise to my already noisy mind.
Rule #3: Proofread! Careless mistakes and run-on sentences are always present in my writing. I will be more conscientious in my writing that I will edit it. Since most of my blogs are basically just draft qualities, I could probably let slip fixing sentence constructions. But I shall at least give them a once over and correct typos. For more serious pieces I shall proofread them more. At least in terms of typos, I should be perfect.
Perhaps I should make a tier of my writing qualities, like draft-quality blogposts such as these, then medium-quality narrative posts for experiences that will require more editing, and portfolio-level essays that will need serious editing and polishing. Yeah, I think I will do that.
With that the foundations of my rules for writing are established. Tomorrow perhaps I could practice my narrative blogging after watching RiB. The past few days have been boring, with the only ray of sunshine being Kits starting to reply once again with an equal casting of a shadow with the start of waiting for A-SoG's reply to my application for internship.
When i get a column of my own some day, I'll name it Past Midnight, because apparently my writing happens after 12mn.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Blogging Back
So I've just finished rereading my old blogposts. Really, there is a discernible difference in my writing style from before and after 2008. I can't articulate it well, but before 2008 I was more conversational, like I was talking to someone in particular that made the post sound, natural. And after 2008, it seems like the writing is now without an audience. I can't get a handle on the distinct nuance of this writing style, but I know that it's different. I guess the only way to exercise back to that style is try narrative blogging again.
Blogging for the sake of doing is actually an effective way of exercising my writing ability. Reading back I see that my wittiest comes from that unedited explosion of thought that comes from writing about a new experience or epiphany. I used to write about even my most mundane opinions, and still make a good post. Surprisingly I could even end it with a profound thought. All it lacks perhaps is a second reading and clearing up careless mistakes and typos.
I guess due to the events of 2008 I taken more to internally picking apart my thought processes and held off coming to any conclusion until I figured it all out. Perhaps also my isolationist policy contributed to the sudden decline of my blog posts. I've come ignore or suppress my opinions, unlike the way I used to shamelessly write it down and present it to the world. I have to break this mold. Blog, even for the sake of blogging. This will be my 'conditioning' exercise as part of Operation Writers Block. Until I am satisfied that I have regained my ability to be witty and naturally conversational. Shall I blog about last Saturday's Nitrogen dinner? Perhaps I should. It will be a good exercise. And this is the latent purpose of blogging that I should remember. Writing about my experiences, putting o paper my reactions and thoughts about it, thte wonder that comes from doing something for the first time or stepping foot on a place I've never been, will allow me to relive them later, and God knows I get to more adventures that I actually acknowledge. but that will have to wait for tomorrow. It's past midnight already.
So I've just finished rereading my old blogposts. Really, there is a discernible difference in my writing style from before and after 2008. I can't articulate it well, but before 2008 I was more conversational, like I was talking to someone in particular that made the post sound, natural. And after 2008, it seems like the writing is now without an audience. I can't get a handle on the distinct nuance of this writing style, but I know that it's different. I guess the only way to exercise back to that style is try narrative blogging again.
Blogging for the sake of doing is actually an effective way of exercising my writing ability. Reading back I see that my wittiest comes from that unedited explosion of thought that comes from writing about a new experience or epiphany. I used to write about even my most mundane opinions, and still make a good post. Surprisingly I could even end it with a profound thought. All it lacks perhaps is a second reading and clearing up careless mistakes and typos.
I guess due to the events of 2008 I taken more to internally picking apart my thought processes and held off coming to any conclusion until I figured it all out. Perhaps also my isolationist policy contributed to the sudden decline of my blog posts. I've come ignore or suppress my opinions, unlike the way I used to shamelessly write it down and present it to the world. I have to break this mold. Blog, even for the sake of blogging. This will be my 'conditioning' exercise as part of Operation Writers Block. Until I am satisfied that I have regained my ability to be witty and naturally conversational. Shall I blog about last Saturday's Nitrogen dinner? Perhaps I should. It will be a good exercise. And this is the latent purpose of blogging that I should remember. Writing about my experiences, putting o paper my reactions and thoughts about it, thte wonder that comes from doing something for the first time or stepping foot on a place I've never been, will allow me to relive them later, and God knows I get to more adventures that I actually acknowledge. but that will have to wait for tomorrow. It's past midnight already.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Operation Writer's Block
First title that came to mind. This is my attempt to make myself a good, or dare I hope, I great writer. And like any other discipline, I will become better at it with practice, and so this is the point of this post. This is the first step of that thousand mile journey, the first few strides of my training for the marathon. If I want to become a writer, I will have to write (or type).
Like any well-executed military operation Writers Block begins with an assessment of my strengths, a study of my capabilities, a review of procedures; a recon mission if you will. And so I have browsed, to whatever point I deemed was relevant for me at this point, several chapters of my underused book Writer's Express, which was actually helpful. i got several ideas by which to train and practice with. Second, I have reread my past works, at least the contents of this blog. I will have to schedule reviewing my written works tomorrow. Rereading my previous entries have told me one thing. Yeah, without a doubt, I am a good writer.
But beyond that narcissistic proclamation of natural ability and affirmation of my God-given talents, that exercise has shown me where I would start, where my strength lies. My writing strength comes from free writing, that unfiltered collision of my thoughts and the keyboard. This is where my wit is revealed, when I don't try to control it. I have noticed, before the unfortunate events of that crappy year that is 2008, that I wrote often, and I wrote freely. My tone was light and my writing voice conversational (which I could tell is not how I am writing now so that is something I am trying to gain back). I was just like talking to my blog. But when 2008 hit, my entries became infrequent and heavy. It was emotional and dark, and it seemed like all entries after that are serious and grave in tone, like I'm trying to explain something carefully. It went from random narratives to deep philosophical dissections of my distressed emotional psyche. The spontaneity disappeared; posts were heavily edited, and wit and sarcasm all but gone.
I think the better writing style of mine was before 2008, when I still could create witty turns of phrases and novel ways of telling the story. And I know it is so because when I recall writing those pieces like Worms of the Heart or Tough Shoes I did it without minimal editing, like it came naturally. But after heartbreak 2008, when I try writing something I remember being so serious, writing and rewriting even the first sentence just trying to get it perfectly.
That's why this post feels like it just runs on, like a Kelvin talking after having 5 cups of coffee. It's because this is a free write, I'm typing everything that comes to mind. I'm trying to break free from that habit I developed of screening my thought and carefully crafting my sentences. I'm not letting myself stop typing, hoping that eventually I will unclog that mental dam that was created from the rubble that 2008 caused and what is now blocking my perfectly fine and entertainingly sarcastic stream of consciousness. I must get him back, that guy that can write oh so naturally.
So what now dear blog? What's the plan? I have already identified my free writing notebook as well as a handy-dandy free-notes notebook for traveling. I have made a date with the Writers Express book for writing some practice articles. But to get ol' conversational writer back I will need practice, so I guess that will be here. I will return to blogging about my random days and fun experiences. This will be my daily stretching of my writing muscles. Can I do it? Will I be able to do it? I hope so. But this I say, Operation Writer's Block has begun, and it will be awesome.
Expect more mundane posts, returning here soon.
First title that came to mind. This is my attempt to make myself a good, or dare I hope, I great writer. And like any other discipline, I will become better at it with practice, and so this is the point of this post. This is the first step of that thousand mile journey, the first few strides of my training for the marathon. If I want to become a writer, I will have to write (or type).
Like any well-executed military operation Writers Block begins with an assessment of my strengths, a study of my capabilities, a review of procedures; a recon mission if you will. And so I have browsed, to whatever point I deemed was relevant for me at this point, several chapters of my underused book Writer's Express, which was actually helpful. i got several ideas by which to train and practice with. Second, I have reread my past works, at least the contents of this blog. I will have to schedule reviewing my written works tomorrow. Rereading my previous entries have told me one thing. Yeah, without a doubt, I am a good writer.
But beyond that narcissistic proclamation of natural ability and affirmation of my God-given talents, that exercise has shown me where I would start, where my strength lies. My writing strength comes from free writing, that unfiltered collision of my thoughts and the keyboard. This is where my wit is revealed, when I don't try to control it. I have noticed, before the unfortunate events of that crappy year that is 2008, that I wrote often, and I wrote freely. My tone was light and my writing voice conversational (which I could tell is not how I am writing now so that is something I am trying to gain back). I was just like talking to my blog. But when 2008 hit, my entries became infrequent and heavy. It was emotional and dark, and it seemed like all entries after that are serious and grave in tone, like I'm trying to explain something carefully. It went from random narratives to deep philosophical dissections of my distressed emotional psyche. The spontaneity disappeared; posts were heavily edited, and wit and sarcasm all but gone.
I think the better writing style of mine was before 2008, when I still could create witty turns of phrases and novel ways of telling the story. And I know it is so because when I recall writing those pieces like Worms of the Heart or Tough Shoes I did it without minimal editing, like it came naturally. But after heartbreak 2008, when I try writing something I remember being so serious, writing and rewriting even the first sentence just trying to get it perfectly.
That's why this post feels like it just runs on, like a Kelvin talking after having 5 cups of coffee. It's because this is a free write, I'm typing everything that comes to mind. I'm trying to break free from that habit I developed of screening my thought and carefully crafting my sentences. I'm not letting myself stop typing, hoping that eventually I will unclog that mental dam that was created from the rubble that 2008 caused and what is now blocking my perfectly fine and entertainingly sarcastic stream of consciousness. I must get him back, that guy that can write oh so naturally.
So what now dear blog? What's the plan? I have already identified my free writing notebook as well as a handy-dandy free-notes notebook for traveling. I have made a date with the Writers Express book for writing some practice articles. But to get ol' conversational writer back I will need practice, so I guess that will be here. I will return to blogging about my random days and fun experiences. This will be my daily stretching of my writing muscles. Can I do it? Will I be able to do it? I hope so. But this I say, Operation Writer's Block has begun, and it will be awesome.
Expect more mundane posts, returning here soon.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Crisis of Conscience
To stay or to stop CO: that is the question. The past few days I have been tortured by this choice. I have explored all foreseeable consequences, all my motivations, all my reservations and opinions, broken through all my excuses and rationalizations to arrive at the shameful origin of my dilemma and yet I haven’t gotten any closer to arriving at a decision. Thinking about this is agonizing enough that I have started drinking again just to calm myself down.
My excuse at first was that I wouldn’t want to fight with my parents over having to stay in the area being that they don’t like the idea. Now that they told me they’d support me with anything, I found myself suddenly asking if, indeed in the first place, I want to. The problem with me is not just staying in the area, which was simple enough, but actually having to live there for an extended period of time. Suddenly demand of having to leave my comforts, my middle-class life which was starting to and supposed to be trending up, became unreasonable.
The shallow shameful selfish reason
I mean, I love the work, I love helping the people fight for what we believe is just, I love being part of a cause that is bigger than me, but why do I have to sacrifice my comfortable life for it? Why can’t I stay where I am, doing what I do now? Why do I have to go the extra mile and leave my comforts to experience what the people in our communities are experiencing? Isn’t it enough that we understand their plight by seeing it and working with them all day?
Of course there is the answer that it is part of the training, that it is a necessary part of Integration and Social Investigation, to see for ourselves. I’ll give them that, but that for me is the extra mile. For me our integration with the community is enough for us to work effectively within the community.
Having to live in the area to me is leaving all the comforts I’ve come to be accustomed to. I said I have no problem dealing with it, and I have experienced it before so I knew I could, but having to actually ‘live’ like that and not just experience it once in a while, scared me. This is me, the middle-class, who found that the idea of leaving behind my comfortable life terrifying and unnecessary.
Am I ashamed of having come to this realization? Of course I am. But I believe I’ve come to the origin of my current reservations about continuing with the training. It is as selfish a reason as it could get. I ask, why should I go there, when I can still help somehow, but without sacrificing my life, my luxuries? I found myself suddenly hesitant to go that far.
The other reasons
This demand of the program I guess was the tipping point that prompted me to reconsider about continuing. Our group has raised other opinions, concerns and issues regarding the direction we’re taking.
CO is not for us. I think my batchmates and I have reached this consensus pretty early on. We discovered the qualities of organizers, the type of work and demands are incompatible with who we are. For me, the qualities required to be a good CO are a clash with my personality. I find it difficult to push myself to talk randomly with other people. The confrontational aspect of issue-based methodology is another factor. Agitating people, having that fighting attitude, the necessity of inciting conflict confrontation is anathema to a person who prefers to be inconspicuous.
I say I wish that they made it clear that the life of a CO is irregular work hours, irregular work days, that the methodology requires us to pick a fight with authority. When we joined community organizing was pretty simple and straightforward. It’s only lately that I grasped the real meaning of it. That said I would have most probably joined anyway just to try it out.
The work by itself, despite the personality clash, like Abby said, we could do, but the life is a different story. Unfortunately, the CO work and life is the same. I think I’m not ready for this level of commitment and to forego my current life.
The thing here is, if we already have these doubts, somewhere down the line this could develop into unhappiness of our current situation. If we continue and in the end we discovered that we didn’t our decision our regret might turn to resentment, that we will be doing our work half-heartedly and we’ll be dragging ourselves to the area. We might get cranky about simple things. I might start getting drunk in the area just to feel better. Hell I already started drinking.
Reasons to stay
I told ma’am France that our 6-month no-commitment training already puts us in a bad position from the beginning. By then we have grown attached to the people, the area, the cause, our workplace, and to say goodbye to that by our personal decision is difficult. Francis was in the area only 2 weeks and people were already looking for him. Now that we are contemplating leaving half-way we already find ourselves in this difficult position. We cannot just walk away now from the people who we have grown close and have already come to expect something of us. They might grow cynical of people like us who say we want to help but then leave. That is my biggest consideration, it’s not just a personal decision, they are too many people that will get affected by it.
Besides what will they say if we suddenly leave? They’ll think badly of not just us. The reputation of Ateneo will be tarnished. They’ll say ateneans are too weak. Our mentors will look down upon DS students. Sir Leland will skin us alive. Our personal involvement has become too deep that we’ll be damaging relationships when we pull out.
Personally though I love the work, or at least the concept, if not the actual way we go about it. Our PO s are initiating what seems to be a large scale change soon that might benefit a lot of people that I would love to be part of. There is also the environmental aspect of our organization’s work. The erratic nature of my work; the irregular hours, the ever shifting schedules is fun in it’s dynamicity but I must admit it is starting to take its toll. Maybe at this point in my life I want structure and as sense of normalcy more.
The balance of judgment
Simply put our decision is this: go, in order to look out for ourselves because of the seemingly selfish thought that we could be happier doing something else, or stay since we have already made commitments not only to the program but to a lot of people we have come to know.
The crisis of conscience here is that if we go, we’ll be carrying with us the burden of the guilt that we cannot go beyond ourselves, sacrifice our own happiness and have to say goodbye, to all the people we have made connections to.
If we stay and we become unhappy, we’ll be wasting out trainors time and resources doing something half-heartedly, with us having to drag ourselves to do something that we don’t like.
The options
In the course of writing the above paragraphs I have surpassed the surge of emotion that left me writhing in agony about this decision. I thank God that I finally got the sign; I should stay, if only to honor the commitment I made to the program, to not abandon the people so suddenly without a better excuse than my selfish one.
At least this has calmed me down from my torturous dilemma, but when I approached ma’am France about this she threw another curve ball. If we will continue the program and complete the 6-months, TriCorps will be expecting us to stay longer, understandably because by then theoretically they would have invested resources for us to become “real” COs. However, coming from my painful decision making and coming up with the best compromise, taking to account the stuff Sir Leland that I learned from Mon, of us staying and managing our best to work through the last 3 months, we will be taking full advantage of the 6-month escape clause Sir Leland has worked in for us. My argument is that if we already have our doubts as of now, the best we could do is finish our commitment but barring any sudden change in our personal outlook that’s the best we could offer.
The thing here is the investment problem posed by Ms. Jane. Mon, after expressing her doubts, learned of Ms. Jane’s opinion that it is best for both of them if Mon will discontinue the program because it ill not be worth her time and resources to train someone who won’t be fully committed.
Now my plan is pose the same argument to the panel. If TriCorp will expect us to stay but we are adamant that we won’t, and as of now we have already our reservations, will it still be prudent to continue the program? I have just effectively threw the ball in their court. I will have expressed my willingness to work through the rest of my three months, but if I am to leave, which I kinda like to anyway, it will come from their decision, or at least a mutual one. Sneaky? Perhaps.
My first question is if they could find us something else to do, because we would love to continue the work we have already started but not as CO s. If that is really nonnegotiable then, like Mon ,I will continue to help as a volunteer on my own expense and on my own time, without the intent of the training, until I find a different job and I don’t have the time anymore. That’s the best option I could think of.
If I think about it Sir Leland will still push me to go through the program. The argument will be if I would want to help anyway why not just do it as the Trainee CO. My counter would be I would be bound by the requirements of the training and that is the part I don’t like. Other than it would just be an appeal to save face.
But I think now I have already made peace with my decision to stay. I have set my mind to do whatever it is asked of me on my training for the next 3 months. Personally, I love to stop right here, but then, I have made too many commitments, and by principle I have said that I would honor any promise I made.
Despicable me
Negative groundworking? Though it is not my express intent to sow seeds of dissent among my other CO-lleagues I may already infecting them with the idea of their dissatisfaction. As I explore and uncover that they have that spark of doubt and hesitation within them I am already giving it air so that it could start to burn. I articulate their unspoken reservations and give it power to take hold. At the same time, and I will admit this mostly conscious, I will be giving the panel the idea that it is indeed better to let us go already. I’ll be leveraging passions against each other so that the burden of decision will not fall on my shoulders with my loaded arguments. How to load them effectively, now that is another thing….
To stay or to stop CO: that is the question. The past few days I have been tortured by this choice. I have explored all foreseeable consequences, all my motivations, all my reservations and opinions, broken through all my excuses and rationalizations to arrive at the shameful origin of my dilemma and yet I haven’t gotten any closer to arriving at a decision. Thinking about this is agonizing enough that I have started drinking again just to calm myself down.
My excuse at first was that I wouldn’t want to fight with my parents over having to stay in the area being that they don’t like the idea. Now that they told me they’d support me with anything, I found myself suddenly asking if, indeed in the first place, I want to. The problem with me is not just staying in the area, which was simple enough, but actually having to live there for an extended period of time. Suddenly demand of having to leave my comforts, my middle-class life which was starting to and supposed to be trending up, became unreasonable.
The shallow shameful selfish reason
I mean, I love the work, I love helping the people fight for what we believe is just, I love being part of a cause that is bigger than me, but why do I have to sacrifice my comfortable life for it? Why can’t I stay where I am, doing what I do now? Why do I have to go the extra mile and leave my comforts to experience what the people in our communities are experiencing? Isn’t it enough that we understand their plight by seeing it and working with them all day?
Of course there is the answer that it is part of the training, that it is a necessary part of Integration and Social Investigation, to see for ourselves. I’ll give them that, but that for me is the extra mile. For me our integration with the community is enough for us to work effectively within the community.
Having to live in the area to me is leaving all the comforts I’ve come to be accustomed to. I said I have no problem dealing with it, and I have experienced it before so I knew I could, but having to actually ‘live’ like that and not just experience it once in a while, scared me. This is me, the middle-class, who found that the idea of leaving behind my comfortable life terrifying and unnecessary.
Am I ashamed of having come to this realization? Of course I am. But I believe I’ve come to the origin of my current reservations about continuing with the training. It is as selfish a reason as it could get. I ask, why should I go there, when I can still help somehow, but without sacrificing my life, my luxuries? I found myself suddenly hesitant to go that far.
The other reasons
This demand of the program I guess was the tipping point that prompted me to reconsider about continuing. Our group has raised other opinions, concerns and issues regarding the direction we’re taking.
CO is not for us. I think my batchmates and I have reached this consensus pretty early on. We discovered the qualities of organizers, the type of work and demands are incompatible with who we are. For me, the qualities required to be a good CO are a clash with my personality. I find it difficult to push myself to talk randomly with other people. The confrontational aspect of issue-based methodology is another factor. Agitating people, having that fighting attitude, the necessity of inciting conflict confrontation is anathema to a person who prefers to be inconspicuous.
I say I wish that they made it clear that the life of a CO is irregular work hours, irregular work days, that the methodology requires us to pick a fight with authority. When we joined community organizing was pretty simple and straightforward. It’s only lately that I grasped the real meaning of it. That said I would have most probably joined anyway just to try it out.
The work by itself, despite the personality clash, like Abby said, we could do, but the life is a different story. Unfortunately, the CO work and life is the same. I think I’m not ready for this level of commitment and to forego my current life.
The thing here is, if we already have these doubts, somewhere down the line this could develop into unhappiness of our current situation. If we continue and in the end we discovered that we didn’t our decision our regret might turn to resentment, that we will be doing our work half-heartedly and we’ll be dragging ourselves to the area. We might get cranky about simple things. I might start getting drunk in the area just to feel better. Hell I already started drinking.
Reasons to stay
I told ma’am France that our 6-month no-commitment training already puts us in a bad position from the beginning. By then we have grown attached to the people, the area, the cause, our workplace, and to say goodbye to that by our personal decision is difficult. Francis was in the area only 2 weeks and people were already looking for him. Now that we are contemplating leaving half-way we already find ourselves in this difficult position. We cannot just walk away now from the people who we have grown close and have already come to expect something of us. They might grow cynical of people like us who say we want to help but then leave. That is my biggest consideration, it’s not just a personal decision, they are too many people that will get affected by it.
Besides what will they say if we suddenly leave? They’ll think badly of not just us. The reputation of Ateneo will be tarnished. They’ll say ateneans are too weak. Our mentors will look down upon DS students. Sir Leland will skin us alive. Our personal involvement has become too deep that we’ll be damaging relationships when we pull out.
Personally though I love the work, or at least the concept, if not the actual way we go about it. Our PO s are initiating what seems to be a large scale change soon that might benefit a lot of people that I would love to be part of. There is also the environmental aspect of our organization’s work. The erratic nature of my work; the irregular hours, the ever shifting schedules is fun in it’s dynamicity but I must admit it is starting to take its toll. Maybe at this point in my life I want structure and as sense of normalcy more.
The balance of judgment
Simply put our decision is this: go, in order to look out for ourselves because of the seemingly selfish thought that we could be happier doing something else, or stay since we have already made commitments not only to the program but to a lot of people we have come to know.
The crisis of conscience here is that if we go, we’ll be carrying with us the burden of the guilt that we cannot go beyond ourselves, sacrifice our own happiness and have to say goodbye, to all the people we have made connections to.
If we stay and we become unhappy, we’ll be wasting out trainors time and resources doing something half-heartedly, with us having to drag ourselves to do something that we don’t like.
The options
In the course of writing the above paragraphs I have surpassed the surge of emotion that left me writhing in agony about this decision. I thank God that I finally got the sign; I should stay, if only to honor the commitment I made to the program, to not abandon the people so suddenly without a better excuse than my selfish one.
At least this has calmed me down from my torturous dilemma, but when I approached ma’am France about this she threw another curve ball. If we will continue the program and complete the 6-months, TriCorps will be expecting us to stay longer, understandably because by then theoretically they would have invested resources for us to become “real” COs. However, coming from my painful decision making and coming up with the best compromise, taking to account the stuff Sir Leland that I learned from Mon, of us staying and managing our best to work through the last 3 months, we will be taking full advantage of the 6-month escape clause Sir Leland has worked in for us. My argument is that if we already have our doubts as of now, the best we could do is finish our commitment but barring any sudden change in our personal outlook that’s the best we could offer.
The thing here is the investment problem posed by Ms. Jane. Mon, after expressing her doubts, learned of Ms. Jane’s opinion that it is best for both of them if Mon will discontinue the program because it ill not be worth her time and resources to train someone who won’t be fully committed.
Now my plan is pose the same argument to the panel. If TriCorp will expect us to stay but we are adamant that we won’t, and as of now we have already our reservations, will it still be prudent to continue the program? I have just effectively threw the ball in their court. I will have expressed my willingness to work through the rest of my three months, but if I am to leave, which I kinda like to anyway, it will come from their decision, or at least a mutual one. Sneaky? Perhaps.
My first question is if they could find us something else to do, because we would love to continue the work we have already started but not as CO s. If that is really nonnegotiable then, like Mon ,I will continue to help as a volunteer on my own expense and on my own time, without the intent of the training, until I find a different job and I don’t have the time anymore. That’s the best option I could think of.
If I think about it Sir Leland will still push me to go through the program. The argument will be if I would want to help anyway why not just do it as the Trainee CO. My counter would be I would be bound by the requirements of the training and that is the part I don’t like. Other than it would just be an appeal to save face.
But I think now I have already made peace with my decision to stay. I have set my mind to do whatever it is asked of me on my training for the next 3 months. Personally, I love to stop right here, but then, I have made too many commitments, and by principle I have said that I would honor any promise I made.
Despicable me
Negative groundworking? Though it is not my express intent to sow seeds of dissent among my other CO-lleagues I may already infecting them with the idea of their dissatisfaction. As I explore and uncover that they have that spark of doubt and hesitation within them I am already giving it air so that it could start to burn. I articulate their unspoken reservations and give it power to take hold. At the same time, and I will admit this mostly conscious, I will be giving the panel the idea that it is indeed better to let us go already. I’ll be leveraging passions against each other so that the burden of decision will not fall on my shoulders with my loaded arguments. How to load them effectively, now that is another thing….
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Ann’s random story.
Ann telling me a random story at Jun’s b-day got me thinking. What was that about? It’s the subject; it wasn’t something you’d just casually blurt out. Was it some sort of hint or signal? Is there more to it or am I just over thinking? Was it really just a ‘random’ story?
I like AnN, but I haven’t thought about seriously doing something about it. Plan AnN doesn’t go further than intelligence gathering. Integration was successful (haha, use of CO terms concepts begin) was successful during finals week, and after some investigating all I got was that she’s not into relationships or even a hint of wanting one, nor notion of teenage romance; basically, all I sense is this wall. The tentative plan therefore was unchanged: continue casual chats and probing questions at every possible opportunity to see if there are any chinks in that wall or if there is any hint of her responding whilst trying to become closer as friends.
Haven’t been able to see her often this past couple months, but then in Shakeys I managed to talk to her again. It was just small talk, but then she suddenly shared this random story of hers.
It was inconsequential and unnecessary, but the topic only made it curious. It was the type of story that’s significant for you and won’t share unless you want to tell someone else about it as a form of catharsis, in which case it means you are close and trusted enough to be confided with a personal story, or if not, it’s not worth sharing because the other person wouldn‘t understand.
Too bad events cut our talk short and I wasn‘t able to explore more what’s behind the story. But it started troubling me. Was this a sign that she thinks we’re already close enough for her to be able to confide this random personal story of hers? Is she hinting that she really doesn’t entertain thoughts of getting into a relationship even if she likes the guy meaning I have a bug’s chance against a windshield of ever getting anywhere with her? Or in the end, is it really just a random story?
Argh. Girls and their mind games. Next time, groundwork.
Ann telling me a random story at Jun’s b-day got me thinking. What was that about? It’s the subject; it wasn’t something you’d just casually blurt out. Was it some sort of hint or signal? Is there more to it or am I just over thinking? Was it really just a ‘random’ story?
I like AnN, but I haven’t thought about seriously doing something about it. Plan AnN doesn’t go further than intelligence gathering. Integration was successful (haha, use of CO terms concepts begin) was successful during finals week, and after some investigating all I got was that she’s not into relationships or even a hint of wanting one, nor notion of teenage romance; basically, all I sense is this wall. The tentative plan therefore was unchanged: continue casual chats and probing questions at every possible opportunity to see if there are any chinks in that wall or if there is any hint of her responding whilst trying to become closer as friends.
Haven’t been able to see her often this past couple months, but then in Shakeys I managed to talk to her again. It was just small talk, but then she suddenly shared this random story of hers.
It was inconsequential and unnecessary, but the topic only made it curious. It was the type of story that’s significant for you and won’t share unless you want to tell someone else about it as a form of catharsis, in which case it means you are close and trusted enough to be confided with a personal story, or if not, it’s not worth sharing because the other person wouldn‘t understand.
Too bad events cut our talk short and I wasn‘t able to explore more what’s behind the story. But it started troubling me. Was this a sign that she thinks we’re already close enough for her to be able to confide this random personal story of hers? Is she hinting that she really doesn’t entertain thoughts of getting into a relationship even if she likes the guy meaning I have a bug’s chance against a windshield of ever getting anywhere with her? Or in the end, is it really just a random story?
Argh. Girls and their mind games. Next time, groundwork.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What did I get myself into?
Yesterday was the official start of our 6-month training program as community organizers, and this was the question I was asking myself while I listened to the stories of the veteran organizers that shared to us their first days on the job.
From how they describe it being a community organizer is not an ordinary job. I think the word insidious describes it best. The experienced organizers told us how they go into the urban poor communities and infiltrate them by scouting the layout of the area, making small talk here, randomly chatting up people there, hanging out at the spots where people come together, even going as far as going house to house to strike up a conversation anyway they can. They fabricate identities and establish cover stories so as to be able to talk to people and get them to lower their guard. Their purpose is to try to get a ‘feel’ for the situation of the community by how the residents tell it and to hopefully eventually gain their trust as well. They’ll get known one way or the other; as the friendly newcomer or the overly curious person who people suspect is an NBI asset or drug dealer - but the point is, the people will get to know them and trust them. And then like agents provocateur the locals realize there is something more to these newcomers when finally their covers are blown and they start their work as organizers.
We were all laughing nervously. All the veterans said the same thing: “make 25 contacts a day” and the thought of going us through the same thing daunted us. It even goes against common sense - one would think of approaching barangay officials first if your task is to know the community but no, they purposely don't go to them. Can you imagine what that is like? Going to an area you know nothing about, casually walking up to a stranger and chatting them up, and you have to get to know at least 25 people a day? We sure can’t. I can’t. My policy in life is to remain inconspicuous, to be quiet, to be an observer. No unnecessary interaction. If I will just get to be with a person only for a while I won’t bother establishing a relationship. No attachments, easy to let go. I’m also introverted.
Besides, I don’t wanna lie. Well, not lie to people I don’t know. Making cover stories, fabricating identities doesn’t sit well for me. Starting of relationships by deception doesn’t sound right. Well at least, when we thought about it, we won’t go through that same method. The veterans will already be established in the area and we could introduce ourselves as their trainees. But the thought of what the first-time organizers did still amazes me.
Yesterday was the official start of our 6-month training program as community organizers, and this was the question I was asking myself while I listened to the stories of the veteran organizers that shared to us their first days on the job.
From how they describe it being a community organizer is not an ordinary job. I think the word insidious describes it best. The experienced organizers told us how they go into the urban poor communities and infiltrate them by scouting the layout of the area, making small talk here, randomly chatting up people there, hanging out at the spots where people come together, even going as far as going house to house to strike up a conversation anyway they can. They fabricate identities and establish cover stories so as to be able to talk to people and get them to lower their guard. Their purpose is to try to get a ‘feel’ for the situation of the community by how the residents tell it and to hopefully eventually gain their trust as well. They’ll get known one way or the other; as the friendly newcomer or the overly curious person who people suspect is an NBI asset or drug dealer - but the point is, the people will get to know them and trust them. And then like agents provocateur the locals realize there is something more to these newcomers when finally their covers are blown and they start their work as organizers.
We were all laughing nervously. All the veterans said the same thing: “make 25 contacts a day” and the thought of going us through the same thing daunted us. It even goes against common sense - one would think of approaching barangay officials first if your task is to know the community but no, they purposely don't go to them. Can you imagine what that is like? Going to an area you know nothing about, casually walking up to a stranger and chatting them up, and you have to get to know at least 25 people a day? We sure can’t. I can’t. My policy in life is to remain inconspicuous, to be quiet, to be an observer. No unnecessary interaction. If I will just get to be with a person only for a while I won’t bother establishing a relationship. No attachments, easy to let go. I’m also introverted.
Besides, I don’t wanna lie. Well, not lie to people I don’t know. Making cover stories, fabricating identities doesn’t sit well for me. Starting of relationships by deception doesn’t sound right. Well at least, when we thought about it, we won’t go through that same method. The veterans will already be established in the area and we could introduce ourselves as their trainees. But the thought of what the first-time organizers did still amazes me.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A Blue Rose for…
Ok so the Blue Rose is an actual rose, given during the Blue Roast event as a way for seniors to express their hidden feelings, whatever form or degree it may be, to a certain someone. The rose maybe given to the guy or girl someone had a crush on since 1st year but never had the chance to talk to. A friend who never had a clue you felt that way. Whatever the example and no matter what Mon says, it is understood to have a romantic meaning to it, more or less. It is the chance to say something and avoid regret.
I didn’t give my Blue rose to anyone. And its not because there are no special girls during my college life. On the contrary, there are many that I want to give one to, but since I can’t give them all one - and I bet you’ll think it’s stupid - I thought it best not to give to anyone.
They are the ones who at some point in college I had a crush on. But even then that term doesn’t quite explain it all. I had feelings for them yes, in whatever form, for one reason or another I didn’t choose to do anything about it. I chose to keep them as friends. Regrets? I'll have to wait a few years to find out.
So if I had the chance, I would love to have given a blue rose to the girl who kept me company early morning before class for a year.
One to the girl I met on the beach, and the one I was with when I saw my first shooting star.
Certainly a rose to the only girl who can make me stop in awe whenever I see her, though I never got to talk to her.
Of course I would give one to the only girl who I admitted I feelings to.
One to the girl I stayed awake with waiting for the sunrise, and another to the girl I talked and walked with on a dark street one cold windy night
And perhaps too to the girl I danced with on a rooftop while the sun was setting
to the girl who I walked with in a garden as all the lights went out.
One to the girl I gave my heart to, even though she broke it.
Whoever these girls end up with are some of the luckest bastards in the world
Ok so the Blue Rose is an actual rose, given during the Blue Roast event as a way for seniors to express their hidden feelings, whatever form or degree it may be, to a certain someone. The rose maybe given to the guy or girl someone had a crush on since 1st year but never had the chance to talk to. A friend who never had a clue you felt that way. Whatever the example and no matter what Mon says, it is understood to have a romantic meaning to it, more or less. It is the chance to say something and avoid regret.
I didn’t give my Blue rose to anyone. And its not because there are no special girls during my college life. On the contrary, there are many that I want to give one to, but since I can’t give them all one - and I bet you’ll think it’s stupid - I thought it best not to give to anyone.
They are the ones who at some point in college I had a crush on. But even then that term doesn’t quite explain it all. I had feelings for them yes, in whatever form, for one reason or another I didn’t choose to do anything about it. I chose to keep them as friends. Regrets? I'll have to wait a few years to find out.
So if I had the chance, I would love to have given a blue rose to the girl who kept me company early morning before class for a year.
One to the girl I met on the beach, and the one I was with when I saw my first shooting star.
Certainly a rose to the only girl who can make me stop in awe whenever I see her, though I never got to talk to her.
Of course I would give one to the only girl who I admitted I feelings to.
One to the girl I stayed awake with waiting for the sunrise, and another to the girl I talked and walked with on a dark street one cold windy night
And perhaps too to the girl I danced with on a rooftop while the sun was setting
to the girl who I walked with in a garden as all the lights went out.
One to the girl I gave my heart to, even though she broke it.
Whoever these girls end up with are some of the luckest bastards in the world
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
On the Brink of Graduation
So I haven't blogged about anything since Ketsana (yes, I like that name better). Chalk it up to lazyness for not writing anything down, but I did have alot of blog-worthy experiences that I could have reflected on that went by these past 6 months. There's the week to the death and funeral of J's mom, J's birthday, the decision to not got to pampanga that I regret, the useless HS alumni general assembly, doing my thesis, the uneventful Christmas season, the job fair, my fun trainwreck orals in theology, going through accounting class and getting a B for doing nothing and of course, what it's like to be a graduating college senior, with the future and all that.
At least of all those I was planning to make blogs about old friends and broken bridges, career planning and a special Blue rose post. And of those most probably I'll make the Blue rose one because it is the easiest. I guess I haven't written anything senior syndrome related because it hasn't sunken in yet that I'll be thrown volently in to the real world in a few weeks. That I'll be leaving the life I've just gotten around to getting used to. That 4 years of college is indeed over. That and I have plenty of distraction from anime to my friends occasional drama.
So what now dear blog? Where do I start writing again? I actually don't know. Well, let's see. It seems like I will have plenty of time in my hands for a while.
So I haven't blogged about anything since Ketsana (yes, I like that name better). Chalk it up to lazyness for not writing anything down, but I did have alot of blog-worthy experiences that I could have reflected on that went by these past 6 months. There's the week to the death and funeral of J's mom, J's birthday, the decision to not got to pampanga that I regret, the useless HS alumni general assembly, doing my thesis, the uneventful Christmas season, the job fair, my fun trainwreck orals in theology, going through accounting class and getting a B for doing nothing and of course, what it's like to be a graduating college senior, with the future and all that.
At least of all those I was planning to make blogs about old friends and broken bridges, career planning and a special Blue rose post. And of those most probably I'll make the Blue rose one because it is the easiest. I guess I haven't written anything senior syndrome related because it hasn't sunken in yet that I'll be thrown volently in to the real world in a few weeks. That I'll be leaving the life I've just gotten around to getting used to. That 4 years of college is indeed over. That and I have plenty of distraction from anime to my friends occasional drama.
So what now dear blog? Where do I start writing again? I actually don't know. Well, let's see. It seems like I will have plenty of time in my hands for a while.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
AD 2009
I haven't posted anything recently here, partly because now I'm managing 3 blogs and I just forgot to repost some here, but mostly because I haven't gotten the inclination to update on my personal life, even though so much has happened. I'll mark the start of AD 2009 around the time of ASOG summer practicum. I can't say there was a specific date, but I remember the moment I realized it: at the business lounge at NAIA, when I was staring at a freezer of FREE beer, and I passed it up.
Well you won't understand the significance of that unless you know what I was like 4-6 months before then. I finally understood why people would drink to drown their sorrows; because for some reason it really works. I didn't need to be passed out drunk. Just drinking made me feel better, and being inebriated was just icing on the cake. I would never pass up alcohol and I'll get as much of it as I can. Beer became my favorite drink, and so in that moment where I didn't get the overwhelming urge to grab a cold can and down it on site was significant. A month back and I wouldn't care that it was 5 am - it was free and thus fair game.
It was then that I can say I finally got over it, being with good friends and traveling the country. But then after that, maybe until now, I came to a period that I would put in the words 'meh'. I wasn't interested in anything. My mind was blank. I'm not browsing for anything on the internet. I haven't blogged anything for a while and I'm not making a big deal about the lasts of my college life. I was just going through the motions of daily life. I was NR - no reaction. NR to life. And it sort of made sense, because after climbing out of the rut I dug myself in the past year, I found myself in a psychological plateau, or it’s like after climbing I just dropped dead from exhaustion.
Or if you want the emo version, I felt bad for so long I forgot how to feel anything else.
And so that's the short story of what has happened in my personal life these past 6 months. I'm still, or at least I feel like I'm in the end stages of the meh phase. I mean alot of things has/is happening. Practicum, immersion, first sem of senior year, 21 units, thesis, new friends, old friends, problems, J's problems, and more things that I don't bother to blog about. But let's see. the Bers are starting again and maybe AD 2009 will pick up speed soon.
I haven't posted anything recently here, partly because now I'm managing 3 blogs and I just forgot to repost some here, but mostly because I haven't gotten the inclination to update on my personal life, even though so much has happened. I'll mark the start of AD 2009 around the time of ASOG summer practicum. I can't say there was a specific date, but I remember the moment I realized it: at the business lounge at NAIA, when I was staring at a freezer of FREE beer, and I passed it up.
Well you won't understand the significance of that unless you know what I was like 4-6 months before then. I finally understood why people would drink to drown their sorrows; because for some reason it really works. I didn't need to be passed out drunk. Just drinking made me feel better, and being inebriated was just icing on the cake. I would never pass up alcohol and I'll get as much of it as I can. Beer became my favorite drink, and so in that moment where I didn't get the overwhelming urge to grab a cold can and down it on site was significant. A month back and I wouldn't care that it was 5 am - it was free and thus fair game.
It was then that I can say I finally got over it, being with good friends and traveling the country. But then after that, maybe until now, I came to a period that I would put in the words 'meh'. I wasn't interested in anything. My mind was blank. I'm not browsing for anything on the internet. I haven't blogged anything for a while and I'm not making a big deal about the lasts of my college life. I was just going through the motions of daily life. I was NR - no reaction. NR to life. And it sort of made sense, because after climbing out of the rut I dug myself in the past year, I found myself in a psychological plateau, or it’s like after climbing I just dropped dead from exhaustion.
Or if you want the emo version, I felt bad for so long I forgot how to feel anything else.
And so that's the short story of what has happened in my personal life these past 6 months. I'm still, or at least I feel like I'm in the end stages of the meh phase. I mean alot of things has/is happening. Practicum, immersion, first sem of senior year, 21 units, thesis, new friends, old friends, problems, J's problems, and more things that I don't bother to blog about. But let's see. the Bers are starting again and maybe AD 2009 will pick up speed soon.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Peace of Mind
Amongst the many memorable experiences related to our immersion in the 7 Lakes area in Laguna, my favorite one would be sleeping in the middle of the lake. My foster family had a hut in the middle of the lake to watch over their fishpens. Tatay Pando offered it as a place to sleep for the night, an offer I was all too eager to take.
From the moment we rowed out into the darkness I felt as if I was at home in the lake. The tranquility was profound. You could hear everything; your own breath, the gentle swoosh of the oar, the quiet slosh of the banca slicing through water, the flapping of bird wings, the fish swimming near the surface - and at the same time, nothing.
I wasn't alone of course. Our OSCI formator Kuya Raffy and my buddy Angelo were kind of dragged along, and Christian rowed us there. They went in the small room and slept almost immediately, but I didn't. I wanted to stay up as long as possible, and if I was going to sleep I'd do it outside, on one of the benches barely covered by the hut.
From all the noise of daily urban and academic life, the silence being in the middle of the lake that night was almost breathtaking in its serenity. The lake surface was so still as if it was a mirror, and the squares of the fishpens divided it and made it look like as if it was a pane of stained glass, reflecting the mountains that were silhouetted by the lights from the houses at its' base and the sky bright from stars that could only shine away from the cities. I was staring at this picturesque view from the bench where I lay, my feet pointing out the porch and so it was as if I had a magnificent wall painting at my feet. Under the small roof, with the whole lake at my feet and nothing but a net on my right side to keep me from falling into the water, it was my closest to sleeping under the stars. I stayed up as long as I can and tried to burn that image into my memory.
The silence was only broken by the occasional bird and sound of fish making more fish. The gentlest of breezes made for a cool night. In the darkness, and silence, in the middle of nature's tranquility, I found peace and a quiet mind. I just tried to enjoy it as much as I can, because I knew it wouldn't last.
Amongst the many memorable experiences related to our immersion in the 7 Lakes area in Laguna, my favorite one would be sleeping in the middle of the lake. My foster family had a hut in the middle of the lake to watch over their fishpens. Tatay Pando offered it as a place to sleep for the night, an offer I was all too eager to take.
From the moment we rowed out into the darkness I felt as if I was at home in the lake. The tranquility was profound. You could hear everything; your own breath, the gentle swoosh of the oar, the quiet slosh of the banca slicing through water, the flapping of bird wings, the fish swimming near the surface - and at the same time, nothing.
I wasn't alone of course. Our OSCI formator Kuya Raffy and my buddy Angelo were kind of dragged along, and Christian rowed us there. They went in the small room and slept almost immediately, but I didn't. I wanted to stay up as long as possible, and if I was going to sleep I'd do it outside, on one of the benches barely covered by the hut.
From all the noise of daily urban and academic life, the silence being in the middle of the lake that night was almost breathtaking in its serenity. The lake surface was so still as if it was a mirror, and the squares of the fishpens divided it and made it look like as if it was a pane of stained glass, reflecting the mountains that were silhouetted by the lights from the houses at its' base and the sky bright from stars that could only shine away from the cities. I was staring at this picturesque view from the bench where I lay, my feet pointing out the porch and so it was as if I had a magnificent wall painting at my feet. Under the small roof, with the whole lake at my feet and nothing but a net on my right side to keep me from falling into the water, it was my closest to sleeping under the stars. I stayed up as long as I can and tried to burn that image into my memory.
The silence was only broken by the occasional bird and sound of fish making more fish. The gentlest of breezes made for a cool night. In the darkness, and silence, in the middle of nature's tranquility, I found peace and a quiet mind. I just tried to enjoy it as much as I can, because I knew it wouldn't last.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Last Saturday was the scheduled run of the COMELEC’s local visits for voters registrations at our village, and so of course having pondered when is the best time to pay a visit to the municipal hall and go through the long process of getting registered, I took this opportunity to finally get it done and with less hassle (example of procrastination paying off).
It was scheduled from 8-am to 5pm, and although I got there right after breakfast there were already a lot of people lined up. Try to picture this: an enclosed covered court (like this: []), one half of which is just for picking up the registration form. The line for this simple process runs along the wall of the half court (the upper half of this [] ), and then doubles back when it reaches the end to form a second row along the wall. Judging by the pace it would have taken me more than 2 hours to get a form, which was kind of ok for me since I got all morning. Then I saw someone I knew, way ahead of the line, and I thought of how long he must have waited (and still had to wait). Still more than a hundred people between us, he almost at his turn to get the form and me getting fired up for some competition, I stood up and approached a friendly COMELEC officer. A little asking, a little explaining, a little ID showing and voila, I got my form and skipped about 2 hours more of waiting in line, ahead of my friend.
I hurried over to the other half of the covered court to widen my lead some more. It was here that people filled up the form that took hours for them to get. I started answering, and embarrassingly I had to pause to think about what to write in “city/municipality”. I figured it out a sec later, but it was 1 more than it should have taken. More on that later.
After accomplishing the form and after the place where they add other information only COMELEC people knew, I headed straight for line for the picture taking. I already know that getting my voter’s ID was next to impossible, so I thought this, the other half of the 6 hours of the whole registration process, was useless. They only had one camera which meant they could only accommodate 1 person at a time. The line stretched for another 1 and a half hour. You know, if they had two cameras it would have gone twice as fast, but apparently they didn’t think of that. I got to the line, 6 persons ahead of my friend who when he saw me asked “how did you get ahead of me?!” All I did was wave and smile, though what I really wanted to do was shout “In your face!!!1!111!1!1!!!!” so the whole court would hear.
If you think about it, this process shouldn't even last half an hour.
Back to municipalities. I never really cared or understood the distinction of cities and municipalities. I only got to appreciate (notice) the supposed relative autonomy of provinces and municipalities during my first practicum/working tour of the Philippines. Maybe because for those living at the national capital like me, local government units lose their distinction since we are right beside the seat of government, or LGUs actions are lost in the noise coming from the congress or I just haven’t had a chance to do business with our municipality which made it invisible to me. I always thought that Cainta, Angono, Antipolo, Binangonan etc. were just names for places. Only when out to the far provinces did I see the importance of municipalities. Being so far away from Manila people turn to their local government units for support and services.
However these LGUs are still dependent on the national government. They wait for information materials to be brought to them before they can distribute them. There are like colonies waiting for word from their masters in Manila. That’s why I say give the LGUs more freedom since they are the ones who know the reality of their respective localities. They should be capable of more independent action and not reliant on the national government which is bogged down by endless political bickering. That’s why I believe that Federalism is the way for the Philippines. Decentralized autonomous states or provinces, able to decide and act on their own, according to their own unique realities. Even with little traveling you will realize how diverse the Philippines really is. Drive two hours away from Manila in any direction and you’ll get to a place where people already speak another dialect. Drive two hours more and the dialect changes yet again. Unity in diversity, like what the EU says (EU subjects kicking in), not forceful integration into one homogenous national identity.
It was scheduled from 8-am to 5pm, and although I got there right after breakfast there were already a lot of people lined up. Try to picture this: an enclosed covered court (like this: []), one half of which is just for picking up the registration form. The line for this simple process runs along the wall of the half court (the upper half of this [] ), and then doubles back when it reaches the end to form a second row along the wall. Judging by the pace it would have taken me more than 2 hours to get a form, which was kind of ok for me since I got all morning. Then I saw someone I knew, way ahead of the line, and I thought of how long he must have waited (and still had to wait). Still more than a hundred people between us, he almost at his turn to get the form and me getting fired up for some competition, I stood up and approached a friendly COMELEC officer. A little asking, a little explaining, a little ID showing and voila, I got my form and skipped about 2 hours more of waiting in line, ahead of my friend.
I hurried over to the other half of the covered court to widen my lead some more. It was here that people filled up the form that took hours for them to get. I started answering, and embarrassingly I had to pause to think about what to write in “city/municipality”. I figured it out a sec later, but it was 1 more than it should have taken. More on that later.
After accomplishing the form and after the place where they add other information only COMELEC people knew, I headed straight for line for the picture taking. I already know that getting my voter’s ID was next to impossible, so I thought this, the other half of the 6 hours of the whole registration process, was useless. They only had one camera which meant they could only accommodate 1 person at a time. The line stretched for another 1 and a half hour. You know, if they had two cameras it would have gone twice as fast, but apparently they didn’t think of that. I got to the line, 6 persons ahead of my friend who when he saw me asked “how did you get ahead of me?!” All I did was wave and smile, though what I really wanted to do was shout “In your face!!!1!111!1!1!!!!” so the whole court would hear.
If you think about it, this process shouldn't even last half an hour.
Back to municipalities. I never really cared or understood the distinction of cities and municipalities. I only got to appreciate (notice) the supposed relative autonomy of provinces and municipalities during my first practicum/working tour of the Philippines. Maybe because for those living at the national capital like me, local government units lose their distinction since we are right beside the seat of government, or LGUs actions are lost in the noise coming from the congress or I just haven’t had a chance to do business with our municipality which made it invisible to me. I always thought that Cainta, Angono, Antipolo, Binangonan etc. were just names for places. Only when out to the far provinces did I see the importance of municipalities. Being so far away from Manila people turn to their local government units for support and services.
However these LGUs are still dependent on the national government. They wait for information materials to be brought to them before they can distribute them. There are like colonies waiting for word from their masters in Manila. That’s why I say give the LGUs more freedom since they are the ones who know the reality of their respective localities. They should be capable of more independent action and not reliant on the national government which is bogged down by endless political bickering. That’s why I believe that Federalism is the way for the Philippines. Decentralized autonomous states or provinces, able to decide and act on their own, according to their own unique realities. Even with little traveling you will realize how diverse the Philippines really is. Drive two hours away from Manila in any direction and you’ll get to a place where people already speak another dialect. Drive two hours more and the dialect changes yet again. Unity in diversity, like what the EU says (EU subjects kicking in), not forceful integration into one homogenous national identity.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Lucky
Being that I am typing (typed) this alone, in the deathly silence of my second practicum here in the office of the Foundation for Philippine Environment, and doing nothing but breathe and listen to the clock count the seconds till the end of the day 5 and a half hours away, I guess now is the best time to reminisce about my amazing adventure in my first practicum.
What did we do? We created a survey for the UNDP under the Ateneo School of Government to find out people’s perception and awareness level concerning climate change, the output of which will be the Philippines‘ official communication to the UN. Using that we blitzed through north Luzon, tested the survey first in Pampanga before we headed to Cagayan and then worked our way down through Isabela, Ifugao and Benguet. We didn’t stay in one place too long; we came, we interviewed, then we left for the next place, at most staying only 2 nights. A day after this grueling weeklong trip of 6 - 12 hour bus rides every other day some of us left immediately south to do the same thing over again, hitting Visayas at Bohol and Leyte and then Surigao Del Norte in Mindanao, crossing seas when summer storms were hitting the Philippines left and right.
You see I’ve always wanted to travel. My mom is a traveler and I guess I got that itch to see new places from her. However, we don’t. We don’t have the luxury to go to tourist spots on a whim, and we don’t even bother thinking about going abroad for vacations. Where my cousins half my age and close friends are already seasoned international travelers, I’ve yet to even leave Luzon island, not even had the chance to step foot on another island like Corregidor (and don’t give me that ‘but Corregidor is part of Luzon’. I said Luzon island, not the Luzon political boundary). For the longest time my world was just home and school, and the trips to certain of metro manila I had to go to out of necessity were already a treat of a new adventure. Even going to the province only happened every 2 or more years. That’s why when I hit college I started taking every opportunity to go out there, joining ESS and volunteering for orgs like GK and ISO. I wanted to go as far away as I can.
The opportunity arose when sir Leland recommended ISO and CCEFI as a practicum. Both are supposedly 1 month immersions. I’ve already experienced working with ISO, and the CCEFI thing was exciting - be based in Cebu for a month to work in community-based coastal resource management. I wanted to go, but like I said to sir; I want to travel, the question is if I’ll be allowed to. Being an only child requires a lot of negotiating with the parents especially when it comes to traveling and being away from home for long periods of time. Not only are they apprehensive concerning the duration and distance, being fieldwork is tiring and me showing that I’m vulnerable to asthma attacks during my trips already, they are also concerned with the finances. Enrolling in 2 subjects in summer was bad enough ( library fee being so high when we’re not gonna use it because we’ll be working), they cringe at the idea of the living expenses being posted that long that far. I wasn’t too bummed when they advised against taking either practicum; I already thought it was unlikely anyway, but here was another opportunity to leave Luzon island, which is my present goal contentment-for-the-moment-when-achieved, slipping by.
This became a topic between me and my mom one lunch. I told her of my imperative to leave Luzon as soon as possible. She tried to reassure me with the talk of being able to see the world in due time, that I shouldn’t rush it, and be patient and just wait till it comes - which had the opposite effect to what she intended. I became riled up; patience?! I say life is short and we don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I won’t wait for something to come when I can seize its. Now see this kind of straight talk about the fickleness of fate makes my mom terribly uncomfortable, but I’ve this impatience for life since being on the brink when I caught dengue (and several other instances between then and now which only, shall we say, reinforced that notion), and having gone through philo class and Heidegger I can now openly talk about it and just blame it on what I learn in school.
Then an alternative came when sir Leland recommended that I join a project an alumni approached him about. We’ve seen the email calling for volunteers, and I would have joined in a heartbeat if we didn’t have practicum. It never occurred to any of us that it could be a one, until sir Leland recommended it. It promised expense-paid fieldwork, but no exact details, and it was environmental. I took it, or rather sir Leland threw me there and all I had to do was say yes.
I started even before the sem officially ended. After the stress we went through Research Methods class, it was kinda annoying to find ourselves in the same kind of work. We talked about developing research instruments and properly made surveys and methodologies and tabulating and analyzing SPSS results, but since we were also talking about sampling in the provinces we were looking forward to fieldwork. The project had 18 target provinces, and as I was telling this to my parents while pointing out the possibilities over a large Philippine map, my mom was getting excited. And in a sort of half-gloating, half-consoling way, and in an all too Filipino manner of murdering English sayings she said ‘see, when one door closes, a window opens’. And like a good son who corrects his parents out of love while dismissing a wise counsel at the same time I said ‘mom, you mean another door opens’. While this was true I was still hung up on the opportunity to go leave Luzon passing me by. My mom said ‘you’ll get that opportunity again. For now you get to explore Luzon before you explore the rest of the Philippines and then the world. Baby steps.’
Talk about baby steps! In the space of 3 weeks I’ve managed to visit 8 provinces plus 2 more by virtue of being there to get to another province (bus stopovers not counted), 9 of which for the first time. I got to see the Banaue Rice Terraces which was spectacular, and even if I didn’t get to see the Chocolate Hills or a single tarsier in Bohol I don’t really mind because I got my first plane ride (at business class at that) and that alone is enough for me. Now I can say that I’ve finally left Luzon now that I’ve gone to both Visayas and Mindanao in a week. Then it was also my first time to visit provincial capitols, to spend the night in a government office; first time to interview Filipinos speaking another dialect; first time on an inter-island boat, on a RoRo, and in an ambulance (and thank God it wasn’t for real). We spent more than 30 hours stiff and unmoving in buses. We ran through heavy rains in Baguio without umbrellas. I slipped somewhere and got laughed at by a friend. We crashed a political family’s party. We got to cruise on a river and jump in another one that was getting higher by the second because of the rains. It was an extreme road trip/tour of the Philippines where I got to see what our country looks like away from the modernity of Manila, and what an amazing point of view and insights it gives. We got a glimpse of how most Filipinos live. And it was with awesome company, which made it an ultimate barkada outing (UBO). And all this basically for the price of one summer class.
I told someone once that I had a plan to get an all-expense paid trip to Europe by junior year. Well, I didn’t quite make it to Europe. But this was the same person who jokingly said that while she was touring the Europe, I was touring the Philippines. I’m sure it became truer than both of us thought it can be. At least this time, I’m proud of that comparison.
I’ve been lucky. Lucky to have been where I have been. And recalling the shenanigans and the extreme weather, lucky to be home again. I’m not jealous of those who will hit the other 10 provinces and repeat what we did while we spent day in and day out in the same office - well, I might be a little bit. But I’m already content with what I’ve got to experience so far. And if staying in this freezing office whose only sound is the aircon running and fingers typing is the balance for that awesome adventure then, I’ll serve my time here with a smile.
I just have to say, FPE has some excellent coffee.
Being that I am typing (typed) this alone, in the deathly silence of my second practicum here in the office of the Foundation for Philippine Environment, and doing nothing but breathe and listen to the clock count the seconds till the end of the day 5 and a half hours away, I guess now is the best time to reminisce about my amazing adventure in my first practicum.
What did we do? We created a survey for the UNDP under the Ateneo School of Government to find out people’s perception and awareness level concerning climate change, the output of which will be the Philippines‘ official communication to the UN. Using that we blitzed through north Luzon, tested the survey first in Pampanga before we headed to Cagayan and then worked our way down through Isabela, Ifugao and Benguet. We didn’t stay in one place too long; we came, we interviewed, then we left for the next place, at most staying only 2 nights. A day after this grueling weeklong trip of 6 - 12 hour bus rides every other day some of us left immediately south to do the same thing over again, hitting Visayas at Bohol and Leyte and then Surigao Del Norte in Mindanao, crossing seas when summer storms were hitting the Philippines left and right.
You see I’ve always wanted to travel. My mom is a traveler and I guess I got that itch to see new places from her. However, we don’t. We don’t have the luxury to go to tourist spots on a whim, and we don’t even bother thinking about going abroad for vacations. Where my cousins half my age and close friends are already seasoned international travelers, I’ve yet to even leave Luzon island, not even had the chance to step foot on another island like Corregidor (and don’t give me that ‘but Corregidor is part of Luzon’. I said Luzon island, not the Luzon political boundary). For the longest time my world was just home and school, and the trips to certain of metro manila I had to go to out of necessity were already a treat of a new adventure. Even going to the province only happened every 2 or more years. That’s why when I hit college I started taking every opportunity to go out there, joining ESS and volunteering for orgs like GK and ISO. I wanted to go as far away as I can.
The opportunity arose when sir Leland recommended ISO and CCEFI as a practicum. Both are supposedly 1 month immersions. I’ve already experienced working with ISO, and the CCEFI thing was exciting - be based in Cebu for a month to work in community-based coastal resource management. I wanted to go, but like I said to sir; I want to travel, the question is if I’ll be allowed to. Being an only child requires a lot of negotiating with the parents especially when it comes to traveling and being away from home for long periods of time. Not only are they apprehensive concerning the duration and distance, being fieldwork is tiring and me showing that I’m vulnerable to asthma attacks during my trips already, they are also concerned with the finances. Enrolling in 2 subjects in summer was bad enough ( library fee being so high when we’re not gonna use it because we’ll be working), they cringe at the idea of the living expenses being posted that long that far. I wasn’t too bummed when they advised against taking either practicum; I already thought it was unlikely anyway, but here was another opportunity to leave Luzon island, which is my present goal contentment-for-the-moment-when-achieved, slipping by.
This became a topic between me and my mom one lunch. I told her of my imperative to leave Luzon as soon as possible. She tried to reassure me with the talk of being able to see the world in due time, that I shouldn’t rush it, and be patient and just wait till it comes - which had the opposite effect to what she intended. I became riled up; patience?! I say life is short and we don’t know what will happen tomorrow; I won’t wait for something to come when I can seize its. Now see this kind of straight talk about the fickleness of fate makes my mom terribly uncomfortable, but I’ve this impatience for life since being on the brink when I caught dengue (and several other instances between then and now which only, shall we say, reinforced that notion), and having gone through philo class and Heidegger I can now openly talk about it and just blame it on what I learn in school.
Then an alternative came when sir Leland recommended that I join a project an alumni approached him about. We’ve seen the email calling for volunteers, and I would have joined in a heartbeat if we didn’t have practicum. It never occurred to any of us that it could be a one, until sir Leland recommended it. It promised expense-paid fieldwork, but no exact details, and it was environmental. I took it, or rather sir Leland threw me there and all I had to do was say yes.
I started even before the sem officially ended. After the stress we went through Research Methods class, it was kinda annoying to find ourselves in the same kind of work. We talked about developing research instruments and properly made surveys and methodologies and tabulating and analyzing SPSS results, but since we were also talking about sampling in the provinces we were looking forward to fieldwork. The project had 18 target provinces, and as I was telling this to my parents while pointing out the possibilities over a large Philippine map, my mom was getting excited. And in a sort of half-gloating, half-consoling way, and in an all too Filipino manner of murdering English sayings she said ‘see, when one door closes, a window opens’. And like a good son who corrects his parents out of love while dismissing a wise counsel at the same time I said ‘mom, you mean another door opens’. While this was true I was still hung up on the opportunity to go leave Luzon passing me by. My mom said ‘you’ll get that opportunity again. For now you get to explore Luzon before you explore the rest of the Philippines and then the world. Baby steps.’
Talk about baby steps! In the space of 3 weeks I’ve managed to visit 8 provinces plus 2 more by virtue of being there to get to another province (bus stopovers not counted), 9 of which for the first time. I got to see the Banaue Rice Terraces which was spectacular, and even if I didn’t get to see the Chocolate Hills or a single tarsier in Bohol I don’t really mind because I got my first plane ride (at business class at that) and that alone is enough for me. Now I can say that I’ve finally left Luzon now that I’ve gone to both Visayas and Mindanao in a week. Then it was also my first time to visit provincial capitols, to spend the night in a government office; first time to interview Filipinos speaking another dialect; first time on an inter-island boat, on a RoRo, and in an ambulance (and thank God it wasn’t for real). We spent more than 30 hours stiff and unmoving in buses. We ran through heavy rains in Baguio without umbrellas. I slipped somewhere and got laughed at by a friend. We crashed a political family’s party. We got to cruise on a river and jump in another one that was getting higher by the second because of the rains. It was an extreme road trip/tour of the Philippines where I got to see what our country looks like away from the modernity of Manila, and what an amazing point of view and insights it gives. We got a glimpse of how most Filipinos live. And it was with awesome company, which made it an ultimate barkada outing (UBO). And all this basically for the price of one summer class.
I told someone once that I had a plan to get an all-expense paid trip to Europe by junior year. Well, I didn’t quite make it to Europe. But this was the same person who jokingly said that while she was touring the Europe, I was touring the Philippines. I’m sure it became truer than both of us thought it can be. At least this time, I’m proud of that comparison.
I’ve been lucky. Lucky to have been where I have been. And recalling the shenanigans and the extreme weather, lucky to be home again. I’m not jealous of those who will hit the other 10 provinces and repeat what we did while we spent day in and day out in the same office - well, I might be a little bit. But I’m already content with what I’ve got to experience so far. And if staying in this freezing office whose only sound is the aircon running and fingers typing is the balance for that awesome adventure then, I’ll serve my time here with a smile.
I just have to say, FPE has some excellent coffee.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Universe
During my brief time in a long-distance relationship I mused to a girl on the other side of the world how every song I hear talks about separation and waiting. She said that's always the case and there is no meaning in that.
Sometime ago an elder shared how we just attach meanings to things, in a sense we create and select what we choose to believe.
Then if that's the case, then call me an idiot for believing that we can find meaning in the Universe, that it seems like we our embedded in a story where every object in it holds a meaning and all you have to do is interpret it, That there is a theme that guides our lives.
Because now with what I have failed to put into words I am hearing songs not anymore of separation and waiting, but songs that seem to exactly explain how I feel. I hear a remake/revival of one particular song by 2 artists at the same, a song by Mariah Carrie, a couple of other artists and songs even SpongeCola has helped to express what I feel but couldn't say.
Where I'm now reading a blogpost by a friend that seems to give comfort and wisdom by sharing quotes and company to those who are brokenhearted.
and where my Philosophy lessons are giving insights and helping me think about the situation in ways I couldn't have normally thought about.
And the cold breeze ties it all together.
Everything around me is helping me to to figure out what I need. Such is the Universe, a mirror that reflects ourselves.
~~~~
Listing the songs for future reference
#1. If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield, revived by Nikki Gil and someone
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
Chorus:
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
*Repeat Chorus
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
*Repeat Chorus
#2 Break even by Script
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Chorus:
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
*Repeat Chorus
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm trying make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
*Repeat Chorus
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)
#3 'Di na Mababawi by Spongecola
Ngayo'y aking inuunawang pilit
Mga pagkukulang kong iyong ginigiit
Sana'y malaman mo na tanging ikaw lamang
Ang aking iniintindi
Nakatanim pa sa'king ala-ala
Pangako mong mananatili ka
Kaya't paglisan mo'y naiwan ang pusong ito
Na ngayo'y bitin na bitin
Chorus:
'Di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa?
Nasa aking guniguni malamig mong tinig
Kasabay ng hanging na dumarampi
Na para bang ika'y nariyan sa aking paligid
Tahimik na nagmamasid
*Repeat Chorus
Nahulog na'ng mga ulap, buwan at araw, mga bituwin
Ang ginugol na panaho'y na saan? (panaho'y na saan)
'Di ba't sayang naman? (Di ba't sayang naman)
Giliw yeah yeah yeah yeah
Ngunit di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa? 2x
#4 I Stay in Love by Mariah Carey
Oh, baby
Baby
I stay in love with you
Dying inside cause
I can't stand it
Make up a break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even
Really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive
If you dont' know me
At this point
Then I highly
Doubt you ever will
I really need you
To give me
That unconditional love
I used to feel
It's no mistaking
We're just erasing
From our hearts
And minds
[Chorus:
And I know we said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby
I stay in love with you
And I keep on
Telling myself
That you'll come
Back around
And I try to front
Like "oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you]
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na
Baby
I stay in love with you
It cuts so deep
It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall
How we gon' act
Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now
Hey
What I wanna do is
wish i got next to you
With the top down
Like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know
Our heart is breaking
Can we learn
From our mistakes
I can't last
One moment alone
Now go I know
*Repeat Chorus 2x
I stay in love
Love
Oh, I stay in love
During my brief time in a long-distance relationship I mused to a girl on the other side of the world how every song I hear talks about separation and waiting. She said that's always the case and there is no meaning in that.
Sometime ago an elder shared how we just attach meanings to things, in a sense we create and select what we choose to believe.
Then if that's the case, then call me an idiot for believing that we can find meaning in the Universe, that it seems like we our embedded in a story where every object in it holds a meaning and all you have to do is interpret it, That there is a theme that guides our lives.
Because now with what I have failed to put into words I am hearing songs not anymore of separation and waiting, but songs that seem to exactly explain how I feel. I hear a remake/revival of one particular song by 2 artists at the same, a song by Mariah Carrie, a couple of other artists and songs even SpongeCola has helped to express what I feel but couldn't say.
Where I'm now reading a blogpost by a friend that seems to give comfort and wisdom by sharing quotes and company to those who are brokenhearted.
and where my Philosophy lessons are giving insights and helping me think about the situation in ways I couldn't have normally thought about.
And the cold breeze ties it all together.
Everything around me is helping me to to figure out what I need. Such is the Universe, a mirror that reflects ourselves.
~~~~
Listing the songs for future reference
#1. If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield, revived by Nikki Gil and someone
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
Chorus:
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
*Repeat Chorus
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
*Repeat Chorus
#2 Break even by Script
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Chorus:
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
*Repeat Chorus
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm trying make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
*Repeat Chorus
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)
#3 'Di na Mababawi by Spongecola
Ngayo'y aking inuunawang pilit
Mga pagkukulang kong iyong ginigiit
Sana'y malaman mo na tanging ikaw lamang
Ang aking iniintindi
Nakatanim pa sa'king ala-ala
Pangako mong mananatili ka
Kaya't paglisan mo'y naiwan ang pusong ito
Na ngayo'y bitin na bitin
Chorus:
'Di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa?
Nasa aking guniguni malamig mong tinig
Kasabay ng hanging na dumarampi
Na para bang ika'y nariyan sa aking paligid
Tahimik na nagmamasid
*Repeat Chorus
Nahulog na'ng mga ulap, buwan at araw, mga bituwin
Ang ginugol na panaho'y na saan? (panaho'y na saan)
'Di ba't sayang naman? (Di ba't sayang naman)
Giliw yeah yeah yeah yeah
Ngunit di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako 'yong pinaasa? 2x
#4 I Stay in Love by Mariah Carey
Oh, baby
Baby
I stay in love with you
Dying inside cause
I can't stand it
Make up a break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even
Really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive
If you dont' know me
At this point
Then I highly
Doubt you ever will
I really need you
To give me
That unconditional love
I used to feel
It's no mistaking
We're just erasing
From our hearts
And minds
[Chorus:
And I know we said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby
I stay in love with you
And I keep on
Telling myself
That you'll come
Back around
And I try to front
Like "oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you]
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na
Baby
I stay in love with you
It cuts so deep
It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall
How we gon' act
Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now
Hey
What I wanna do is
wish i got next to you
With the top down
Like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know
Our heart is breaking
Can we learn
From our mistakes
I can't last
One moment alone
Now go I know
*Repeat Chorus 2x
I stay in love
Love
Oh, I stay in love
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