Unemployment Blues

I've been unproductive for the past week. That's what I get for trusting an EC. It's either they're really taking their sweet time making a decision, or I've mis-assessed how evil they actually are and that they have already decided to not call us back but didn't even bother the normal courtesy to inform us. Either way, I still can't believe that considering what we've done for them this past 2 months,and the "professional" relationships we have established, they'd leave us hanging like this. That's why deep down I'm actually keeping some hope that they'd still contact us soon. But I can't hope and wait forever, so I'd give them a day or two before I put my head back in the job hunting game. Also that actually; I'm still hoping that I'd get spared the tremendous hassle of another job hunt.

Surprisingly, I was somewhat looking forward to taking this job, even though research and marketing (worse, the two together, research marketing) is a field I didn't really want to get into. My primary reason for wanting to stay, aside from the shallow yet practical reason of finally having an adequately paying job over the medium-term, was the training. Yes, the workplace is stressful, but this has challenged me to become a better worker, learning habits that weren't properly inculcated into me during high school or college. I was looking forward to being forced to up my game, to level up during the short time I was planning to stay with that company.

Also, I was looking forward to learning something about marketing. Even though in principle I still don't like the idea of it, I can't deny that it has some utility. And utility to me, though I wouldn't want to stick to that field in the future, I would appreciate gaining some potentially useful knowledge and skills from the stuff I was gonna do.

Now my mom tells me to give them until Wednesday before I formally job hunt once more. The idea of it still sucks but what can I do. This is what happens when you place your hope and trust in an EC.

College do-over

I remember this one time, at campus, I was frantically trying to figure out how to arrange my electives to get my European studies minor in a year. The minor allowed Histo 18, European history to be taken as an elective which would have meant that I could have conveniently fulfilled a requirement for the minor without trying and taking up another elective slot since it was a core subject. That is, if I haven't taken Histo 16, Asian History, already instead.


Which made me say with conviction, "The next time I go through college I'm taking Histo 18 for sure!"


Then a few seconds later, "Oh yeah..." Face palm.


It might have been the effect of playing too much video games that made me unconsciously think that I have the power to repeat college as easy as playing through a game one more time out of boredom. That, or everyone has that wish where we could relive a part of our lives, this time correcting for the mistakes I have learned along the way. For me, I think it was the former.


Well I'm just thinking of my simple college do-overs. One would be that, taking Histo 18 instead of 16. Another would be taking German or Italian instead of French. I used to be so obsessed with trying to learn French, and now I don't remember why. Ondoy washed away all my French readings, and along with it almost everything I learned in class. Words, pronunciation, conjugation, all gone. Now, with my interest in World War II and immersing myself in many a movie that has German in it, and, having recently watched When in Rome I'm wishing I took German or Italian instead. I think pronouncing either would have been easier.


Another would be a trick I learned in my last sem. I saw some of my classmates using a notebook made by binding their old readings together so that the clean white backs become the writing pads. That was simply genius. I can't believe I never thought of that, a mind-bogglingly simple way of recycling old readings and getting a free notebook at the same time. I wish I encountered it sooner so I would have done it, though it's not like I take a lot of notes, but still. Well, I'll be teaching that trick to my kids one day.


How about you? I bet you have a simple college do over moment too.



Oh college, how I miss it. I wish I could go to school again. You know what, I think I shall do that. But not Ateneo, I go there often enough. I think I'll go to some other college and see what life is like there.

Cruel Joke

The first time I said it, I might have been exagerrating. This time though I believe it's warranted already. Granted it's probably not intentional, but they should have seen what they were doing. We were (verging on) desperate for a job, and here is one we would really love, promising all the aspects we wanted; decent pay and a chance to work for others while getting to travel. A lot.

And then we were told we had a good chance so we should apply. I did, and the reply the first time was "thanks, we'll call you next year when we're hiring". Wait what? you told us we could apply but apparently not hiring yet. A bit bitter I thought that that was the cruel joke. We were told the chances were high, they were looking for guys, the interview will be easy etc., and then bam, see you next year. I shrugged the thought of, just thought that because since it's November and hirings are difficult during the Christmas season. So I waited patiently.

3 months later and it was on again. My friend delayed his application till the New Year to skip the holiday hiring funk, and so we hoped this would trigger the interview calls. Add again with assurances of 'the company is expanding, looking for guys like you, etc' and we thought this thing was practically in the bag after the interview until the message. Sorry guys, apparently we're not hiring after all. What.

See that's the cruel joke right there. Oh you guys want to join our company, sure just send your applications. We're looking for people like you. Got your resume, just wait for our call next year. Oh I thought your friend is applying? I 'm waiting for his application. Oh here it is, sorry though we're not hiring anytime soon. Wow, thanks for getting our hopes up and stringing us along for months.

Ok, I'm done ranting now. It's time to move on and resume looking for a job. It just sucks to be led on like that.

21

Yeah so 30 minutes ago was my birthday. Nothing major, went to mass at my school chapel, spent the day with 2 close friends, treated myself to some me-mw time and had a pleasant dinner with my parents at home. For some reason, though tradition or social media portrays it, I don't feel any big deal about turning 21. Actually, I don't feel anything special about today. The whole run-up to my birthday this year, I wasn't excited or anything. I almost feel pressured to make as much a big deal of it as others who know about it are.

Maybe it's the lack of structure, like in school I can compare and track the dates leading to my birthday. Or maybe it's the depressing feeling of being useless unemployed bum that's sapping my enthusiasm. I'm leaning on the second one. My friend told me the same feeling got to her before she got the job, and she's right. It does get to you.

Nayway, since Operation Writers Block stalled because of my internship and subsequent bummery, and now being tied-down by an assignment in transcription that I am now regretting, I haven't written a while. I have actually started writing some things but haven't gotten around to finishing them yet. Now it's the pressure of delivering the transcript that is so mind-numbing to finish thats hindering me. I'll call it quits after this second one. I've had it with listening to recordings.

Regarding my social experiment that is to wipe my birthdate information from FB to see if anyone will remember at all, I'm surprised that less people greeted me than I expected. More over, minus my 2 friends who I hanged out with and a close guy friend, the greetings I got came from the people I didn't expect them from. An ES friend, my partner that I'm ashamed to say I ditched in CO, and my tita. And that's it. I'm actually surprised, and a little bit hurt actually. Only these people remembered my birthday- though don't get me wrong it warms my heart to receive greetings from them. All the rest of my friends, including the ones I really thought would, didn't remember it without the help of FB. Eh but screw that. At least I know that she still remembered, and that is enough for me today.

Thank you God, for my 21 years, of being alive and being so blessed, for my friends, my family, everyone I know, and everyone I love.

Problems

Since it appears that I'll have a legitimate change at landing a writing position, I should really make it a point to continue my practice of writing, at the very least every other day.

Of course, this writing job at the Foundation is not my first choice. I would love to get inside zedpi rather than the foundation because I am experiencing office work now at A-Sog and it is not really the type of thing I would like to do for long. The idea of staying in a cubicle or room day after day typing stuff into the computer is frankly almost my idea of hell. Zedpi is so far the closest thing I could think of the perfect job within reasonable reach.

Of course, if the opportunity presented itself I wouldn't be able to gamble it for a chance to get to zedpi; that is just unwise. If both are lost then I will be forced to rely on an equally unsure back-up plan of ensuring that I get hired in A-Sog. So it looks like I will have to prepare for the first real job interview of my life, to be able to ensure that I have a full-hearted chance of landing the job at the foundation and just hope that if I don't get it i will have a chance of getting in a job with a lot of fieldwork which I would love more. Talk about a class A problem. Having a lot of good options is just as stressful as having no options at all.

Since I am talking about problems, I might as well take this chance to put to writing the one problem that has stuck to me all this years like crazy glue. I've been bottling up all this negative feelings that i don't know how to get rid off. I'm stuck between deciding whether to bring it up, or just continue my isolationist policy.

if I do bring it up, how should I say it? What do I actually want? I would say that I really miss the friends that hurt me. I miss them so much it hurts, but then I still feel that all is not resolved since the last time so putting up a mask where I am still hurt just by seeing them is equally bad if not worse. It's the hedgehogs dilemma; I couldn't get close without getting hurt, but I am hurting as well from the distance.

I would say that I wish for the past back where we could hang-out like normal, but in this situation it is impossible. They are together, which means any attempt I do will most likely end up as me being a third wheel - that is , if by some miracle they are actually free.

I would say that I miss talking to her, but then I get the feeling that she thinks of me as a bother anyway so if I try to put things back it will be just a sad attempt. Any thing try will just be another sad thing.

All this, because all this years and heartbreaks, I still feel the same way, and so all my actions are undeniable colored by some complex emotion. So what do I want to do exactly? Regain old friendships? Is it possible? Do they actually care? i guess, given the next opportunity, I would take it to tell her this, and try to unburden myself with all this negativity

Hay. Anyway, I have other important things to thing about, other things that make me happy. Let's start with preparing for that job interview tomorrow.